Sunday, sunday, sunday!

It's Sunday. It surely doesn't feel like one. I guess that's because tomorrow is MLK day and I am off. I had the chance to get a 3 day weekend. I'll pay for it next weekend I am sure. I went to the mall this afternoon with my parents. It wasn't too bad. I just hate going to the mall with my momma because she bitches about crowds. Duh. Mall. But they had pillow toppers on sale and honestly if I didn't already have one I would have bought one myself. I came back home and visited the message board of a room I visit to find someone didn't like my opinion of a concern I had. Yeah it ruffled me a bit but not like it used to. As weeks and months pass, I find myself increasingly bored with the chat room. I hate to say I have outgrown it, because that would insinuate that it's some how "juvenile", but that's how I feel. I sometimes feel that people put more attention into that room than their real lives and when I have a complaint it's because I don't rp in there enough or I don't spend enough time in there. Well guess what? I got living to do. But I can't condemn them for their thoughts because at one time I felt the same way. All in our own time right? It is an oasis from day to day troubles but when it becomes day to day life, it becomes a drug and a crutch. It sorta inspires me to do research. That might be an idea for my thesis. One of my professors used to be fascinated at my research ideas. I think he would like that one. But back on topic, I have been thinking of just putting up my character and leaving. There really isn't much reason to stay. I can keep in touch with the people I want to through messengers, email and phone. I guess the heartbreak is all in the action of leaving. I have been doing it for years. Guess it's like quitting smoking. It's the habit, not the addiction, you have to break.

Later this evening, April and I went to a sports bar to watch the Panthers play. (Oh they won!) I had to teach her football calls which I really enjoyed because it's not often girls get to teach someone else, male or female, football. The place was packed and I had a ball. I even tried corona with lime. (For those who don't know, I don't drink) It's not bad. Its not a margarita but still, not bad. I miss watching sports with college guys who give you hazy glances and drunk waves. The longing of days past!

So I did meet a lovely submissive who lives a couple hours from me. I found her profile on the website and loved her words the minute I read them. It was cold honesty about who she was and what she was looking for. She is collared and 21 which astounds me. How often do you see a collared girl who is only 21? I am looking forward to talking with her more. I also got 3 messages from 3 different guys today. Now that's not unusual, I get a bunch of messages from men on that site. But what makes these 3 different is that they actually seemed...dare I say it? Interesting! One even sent me his phone number. That made me a little nervous, considering he didn't even know my name but he figured since we were local it would be fine. I replied to them all and told them I was interested in someone else but I didn't mind talking to them. They seemed very grateful for my honesty and wanted to still talk. That was a nice change of pace. Normally I get a nice string of insults and curses when I tell people that and they ask why I keep my profile up. I have my reasons.

So I did speak to Michael last night for a few minutes before he had to go to work and he agreed that I needed some more of his attention. He also said that I wasn't boring him or crowding him which has calmed my fears dramatically. Dramatically, not completely. I tried to tell him in the most profound way I could how much I want to serve him and make him happy. I hate feeling like this...vulnerable. I am used to having the power, calling the shots and letting men know I am a damn good submissive, one of the best in the business. I named the time and the place and they complied. But now I find myself waiting and almost begging to for his attention. It makes me want to cry at times. It makes me second guess myself. And this too shall pass..or at least that's what I am praying for.

Sometimes I wish I could sit down with God and ask "where are you taking me?"..."Am I doing this right?"..."Am I wasting my time?". Sometimes I feel so alone, like he hears my tears but doesn't have time to answer and other times I feel like he dropped the answer on me like a ton of bricks. I just never know what kind of moment is coming. I want to go back to church but churches make me nervous. People start to probe into your life and ask you a million questions, one always being for money. I actually would like to find my old pastor. She was a good listener. I told her about losing my virginity and she was so understanding and didn't give me a long speech about it. I think I might try looking her up tomorrow.

These long posts are killing my fingers. I wish I could rattle like this on my grad school essays. They are nothing more than outlines on notebook paper. I think that will be my main task for tomorrow. Yeah, just like it was for the past 3 days.

Anais Nin- a quote

This quote was left for me on a message board and I love it!

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." -Anais Nin

A restless mind

So I decided to take a break from the mind numbing world of grad school essays to write more of my thoughts that I was too tired to do last night.

I started a search for female friends on the BDSM site I frequent. I started thinking sometime I ago that might be part of my problem. I need a female friend who understands the feelings and thoughts I have at times. This is a complicated lifestyle and talking to men sometimes only complicates it even more. I did have a great male friend for several years but he seemed to have fallen off the face of the planet. I'll add more about him later. I just hope these women don't think I am talking to them because I want to have sex. I know that is cliche'd but it wouldn't be the first time that has happened to me. I try to talk to my best friend, April, about things but she doesn't really understand. To her and some of my other friends its just whips and chains. So when I tell them I don't really get in to whips and chains, they get confused. The look on their faces is almost classic. But then again if everyone understood, it would take away some of the taboo and secretiveness. I don't care what anyone says, most people enjoy this lifestyle simply because it is different, and out of the norm. If it were part of the norm it would be boring and average. Imagine that, me being "average". Sometimes I will pass a man in the mall and think "he must be dominant". Do other people think like that? See...that's why I need a new friend.

The subject of friends who share an interest in BDSM has been a rather sensitive subject for the past few months. My friend, the afore mentioned man, is Aaron. We actually met online in a role play chat room and just went from there. He lives a couple hours from here and is close in age to me, so it was only natural that we would become instant friends. I think we met about 5 years ago. I am horrible with dates and times but that sounds pretty close. We talked all the time and I mean that. For hours on the phone or online a day. The only real issue I had with Aaron was his reluctance to meet me in person. It took him 2 years to actually stop feeding me excuses and lies and finally meet me. I didn't know what the big deal was and honestly I still don't. Well, I take that back. That was until his girlfriend contacted me. I had no idea he had a girlfriend and apparently she didn't know about me either. You would think men would try to be more forthcoming in things like that because like my grandma would say "it all comes out in the wash". So he stopped calling, stopped writing and so forth. And yes it hurts. In fact it hurts like hell because she gave him and ultimatum and he accepted it. Makes me wonder if he was ever my friend to begin with. So what does all of this mean? It means that if I can't trust a man, a friend, someone I considered to be almost as close as my best friend....then who can I trust? April says I project those feelings on to Michael and every other man I have met and yes, maybe I do. But never, ever do I want to feel the way I felt when he stopped calling for 3 months and ignored my calls. How do you stop caring? I know I can't. I don't stop caring of loving anyone. If I do, then it means I never cared or loved them to begin with. Isn't that what love is? Patient, kind, never ending? (Pauses to google that quote from the Bible)

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

Yes I was paying attention in church. So if that is all true then why would you toss away a friendship for a girlfriend he describes as "overbearing"? So I asked. (of course you knew I asked...I always do) He said he is afraid no woman will ever love and marry him so he sticks with her. How sad and pathetic. I pray I never find myself in those shoes. I'd rather be alone than settle because I don't feel I am good enough to be loved by someone decent. But he has his own issues to deal with I suppose.

I still have boxes sitting in the corner of my room left from college. I graduated in May 2005 so I suppose it's time to unpack them and ship things off to goodwill. I just don't have the motivation to touch them. Maybe that's what I will do with my day off tomorrow. Oh and take down the Christmas tree. Yeah that sucker is still up.

The first of many...

It seems a bit odd to want to start a blog on Friday the 13th, but for some reason I felt today to be a perfect day to start. The past week has filled my mind with so many thoughts and questions that I have spent hours just sitting and thinking. The incredible part is that I have yet to reach any real answers or conclusions.

Tuesday night, Tony called me from Iraq to let me know he was coming home soon. It was really great to hear from him as I had worried many nights about his whereabouts and safety. I asked him if he had gotten my last few emails but he said he never recieved them. It figures, yahoo eats nealy half of my outgoing emails. I sent him an email last fall when he told me he was going to be home for a few months, asking him for specific dates so I could visit him. Unfortunately that was one of the letters that got missing in the confusion. As we talked I started telling him how great it would be to see him when he dropped the bomb on me that he had gotten married when he came home. He said he met a girl and within 3 months married her. I don't think it really settled in me what he had done until I asked him how she looked and he replied "She well...she looks like you". How do you process something like that? I guess to most people that doesn't seem like a comment to get worked up about but for years he asked me to date him and for years I turned him now. Not for lack of affection, which I think is pretty obvious by now, but because I never felt like I was right for him. He was always so sweet, and kind and one of the most admirable people I had ever met. He always seemed fragile and I was afraid I would break him. When he went to Iraq, I saw him change. War really breaks a man. His letters would have me in tears when he would describe the things he saw and somehow he didn't seem so fragile anymore. So yes, I started to see him in a different light. I asked him why he didn't invite me to the wedding and he said the only way you would be invited to a wedding of mine is if you were the bride. (yes he asked me to marry him once) He finished our conversation with "I love you" to which I replied the same. So a fair question to ask at this point is do I care for him? And the answer is yes, but I still believe I could never be what he needs in his life. Now he needs a wife and I know I couldn't be that for any man...at least not any day soon. I believe God does things for a reason and for once, I think I understand.

So from one man to another. The story of my life! I have spent alot of time thinking about my feelings toward Michael. He is a sweet man, endearing, interesting and able to hold an intellegent conversation. Someone with goals, which is lacking severely in this diplorable world. But lately I feel like I am boring him, losing his interest. We don't talk much, well we haven't talked at all on the phone in over 2 weeks. He is a busy man with school and work but I can't help the overwhelming feeling that maybe I am doing something wrong. One reoccuring pattern I noticed with my ex's was that they said I was too aloof and detached at times so I have been trying to be more open and honest about my feelings but honestly I feel like I am crowding him. Also I think back to times when I was with someone and didn't recognize the signs of a dying relationship and ended up the last one to know things were over. I hate that feeling. It feels like being abandoned and I don't want to deal with that again. I would rather leave before things get bad than be left. He says I have dominant side (which I completely agree with) and he is waiting for me to test him. I am not sure if that is a challenge or a warning. Add to that 2 failed attempts to have a weekend with him and you get a woman who is about at her wits end. But still I keep holding on, despite my own fears and the introduction of a couple new men who are whispering pretty words my way. For some reason I believe in him. I can't explain it but I do. I care about him more than I want to admit.

Then from 2 men to the future. So the application is in and all thats left is to send the check and my statement of purpose. I pray to God I get in to school again. My parents can't understand why I want to go back to my old college when the one right down the street offers a similar program. I think being away will force me to be completely independant in a way that being at home could never do for me. My brother may be attending the same school, which I honestly don't mind. I don't want to help him but I do want to be there to catch him if he falls. Yeah I can be a sap of a big sister when I want to be. So why graduate school? Why this school? Those are the questions I have to address in this statement I have to send in. I hear it's just to test your thinking and writing skills and honestly they don't care what you write as long as it is coherent. I want to put a little more into it. I want my professors to see the potential in me that I see in myself when I look in the mirror. I have dreams of seeing more than the foothills and coast lines of NC. I want to move to Atlanta or Florida. Orlando has always captured my attention as a potential future home. I need to get my Masters degree to be able to have the mobility I want and I know I won't be doing anything better in the next 2 years. I think the panic is in knowing I will be alone. No friends to go off to college with, no security of being in a dorm full of girls I know. Sink or swim time. I'm not ready yet but I will be.

Wow this post is monsterous. Sad thing is that if my fingers weren't so tired, I'd type more.