Attitude

Taken from Essence Magazine-July 2006-Article entitled "Do Black Women Have Too Much Attitude?"

"The rolling of the eyes. The verbal whiplash. The creatively choreographed neck twist. Black women indeed have a great deal of attitude- and its a good thing.
The Black females attitude is a vital survival trait. Without a defiant spirit , Black women would have long ago been eaten up by a society that loves and loathes their bodies and brains. Without the spunk and vitality they bring, the race wouldn't have come as far as it has. Sure, sometimes their temperamental dispositions can be overbearing. But if brothers view it from a woman's perspective, we might see just how hard it is to turn that spirit on and off at will. Most brothers don't mind how far Black women go to prove their love for us. There's no greater force on earth than a Black woman who decides to love you. Now that's an attitude we brothers need to learn to adjust to."

Isn't that a wonderful quote? Doesn't it just sum it all up? There is no greater force than a black woman who decides to love a man. I know that. I wish someone else knew that too.

Angels and Demons

Religion has never been something that I have been very comfortable with. I have only been to church about twice in the past 6 years, and those occasions were only at the urging of friends. I don't like churches in general. I find them to be the best money making scheme out there. Especially the mega-churches that are popping up all over the south. However, despite all of this I have a very strong belief in God. I believe he is everywhere. I believe that he speaks to me in his own way. Sometimes random thoughts will pop into my head and I know it's him giving me a clue. I don't pray like I should but I talk to God almost daily, in my own way.

So with all the stress that's been occurring, it seems only fitting that these would be the times that I would anticipate hearing from him. I think part of the problem I had last week was that I was focused on being angry, disappointed and hurt that I didn't take the time to just sit back and listen. So I have started to wait and listen. Lately I have been chatting back and forth with a man I met named Alfred. He is an older man but remarkably, unlike other older men in the lifestyle that I have chatted with, we have much in common. He is a bit like a hard-shelled nut though. I can't seem to crack him or get much information. I guess that only increases my interest in getting to know him. I am still a bit leery of wanting to serve him or any man for that fact right now, but I am deeply interested in spending time conversing with him. So yesterday I sent him a message apologizing for my behavior. Last week I chatted his ear off about Eric and how hurt I was and it dawned on me yesterday that I hadn't really been very considerate of him. I was wholly focused on my pain and the need to lean on someone to feel better. After that I got to thinking, how is it that when things seem to spiral out of control that there always seems to be at least one listening ear and helping hand around? I can only assume it's God putting someone in my life to help me keep going. Angels come in different forms. I really thank God for Alfred and my friends. I surely hope that one day they come to know that.

I have started cleaning out my room this week. The junk has got me going insane. Not to mention I saw a bug the other day, which probably came in through the open window, but I don't want to see anymore anytime soon. I took a box of beauty supplies to work and the girls had a ball with it. I think that just encouraged me to find more stuff to toss out and take to work. I was talking with April and she said that your room represent your life. Right now my life and my room look like hell. And personally, I am tired of both. So I do a bit a day, tossing and organizing. I think my biggest issue is the mounds of paper I have stashed everywhere. I have these great organizers that should help cut down some of that paper mess. I want to be organized in time for school to start. I really want to knock this program out by December 2007 and I think in order to do that, organization is going to be critical. Also while on the phone today with my cellphone carrier I learned that my brother has run up a $600 phone bill. I am turning his phone off in the morning. I can't help people anymore. The more I try to help, the bigger the kick in the ass is for me. I want to clean up my credit so that when I finish my grad program I can move and find a nice apartment. I want the kind of lifestyle that should be enjoyed by a single woman with a master's degree. April also gave me a bit of advice, though while she meant it in a joking way, really hit home with me. In the movie "Two Can Play That Game", Vivica Fox has a line that goes, "Occupy your damn time. Then when everything is done and finished, then you can have a breakdown". So I cannot have a breakdown until everything is finished. Until my house is clean, literally and figuratively. I am hoping by then, I won't need to. See? Angel's everywhere.

I am feeling better today. I am feeling more like myself. I glanced Eric's facebook and got that feeling again. Something in my mind keeps telling me he is sleeping or at least making plans to sleep with another woman. I don't have that overwhelming sense of sadness that buried my last week. Rather today, I feel irritated and annoyed. I want to call him up and say "Grab your balls and be a man and have the guts to say to me 'Jessica, I don't want you anymore'". I don't think he can do it. I don't think I will even bother to try. But what I will do is not let this once instance throw me off course. Anyone who knows me, knows I love this lifestyle. It's something that even though I denied at first, I have always known was a part of me. I don't play submissive. I AM submissive. Actually what would make me the happiest girl on earth right now is if I could just lay my head in a man's lap and have him pet my head. Maybe one day soon. I am striving to attend a BDSM function in July. I didn't want to go for fear of seeing him but like I said, I am pretty much annoyed at this point and I get the feeling he would rather not see me more than I would him. In fact, I would even bet on those odds.

Well I am going to get some more sleep (which works wonders for a depressed mood) and get up and do some more cleaning. Hopefully, God will have something else to tell me tomorrow. Better yet, I am sure he does and I look forward to listening. Finally, really truly listening.

Reunion and Realization

Well this morning I went to work. I had to open the store. There was nothing too unusual about that but for some reason I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I didn't really feel like talking to smiling. My mind seemed overrun with thoughts and feelings of depression but I wasn't fully sure why I had felt this way. After work I got something to eat and came home and kicked around online for about an hour before I took a 3 hour nap. I only woke up around 6:30 because April called to remind me about going out to meet my friend Ryan's new fiance'. I must admit I wasn't all that excited about meeting her. It seems to me that when my male friends get girlfriends or fiances, that they seem to think that means that they cannot speak to me anymore. I guess my understanding of the word "friend" is different from theirs. But in any case I got up and bummed around online a bit more, procrastinating until about 30 mins before April was coming to pick me up. I wore my new push up bra and a deep V-neck shirt. I am rather proud of how I looked tonight. I even wore make up. (waits for the gasps to stop) So after a little phone tag, April and I arrived at the house to meet her. She is rather nice really. A petite girl but she was very polite. She is studying to get into medical school. Seems very nice as well. I am actually a bit ashamed that I wasn't all that excited about meeting her. She stayed at home and studied for an exam while the 3 of us went out to dinner. We also met another friend and her husband at the restaurant. For a moment, I sat and looked around the table and smiled. It had been years since all of us had sat at the same table and yet nothing seemed different. Occasionally during dinner, Ryan would rub his leg against mine. At first I thought it was because he didn't have any room in the booth so I slid down but then he did it again. I guess it was nice to know that even with a fiance at home, he still found me attractive to some degree. He used to like me back in high school. Not fully sure why I never took him up on his offers. I guess it was for the best. I can only imagine how things would be now if we had ended a relationship on a bad note. (which I tend to do) But overall I had a good dinner and for a while, I forgot my sadness.

I called Eric earlier and left a note on his phone, asking about his week. He hasn't called back. I don't really expect him to either. I thought I was ok a couple days ago but now I realize I am not. I guess I was in such a rush to feel better that I didn't realize I wasn't. I am not ok. I want to yell and scream and get my frustration out. I feel like sometimes I am so concerned with how people will perceive me that I don't pay attention to my own mental health. I just take it all in until I have a mini breakdown. I am in desperate need for a change. I still want to explore my submission. I need to. It consumes my thoughts somedays. I am not content to be some man's sex toy. I want to meet a real dominant who can train me. I really, truly want to learn. I just don't think I can take another failed attempt and keep my sanity. I know its hard to believe, but I am tired of talking about this but it's hard to drop it when there is a continuous voice in the back of your head saying "you failed". I have thought of asking a Mistress to train me. I figure that there is no possibility of a "relationship" building from that, and therefore I can get what I am looking for. But I think I will just take this time to refine what it is that I need and want and try again. I am not ready to quit yet.

Pride

The past few days my mind has been overrun with thoughts regarding my pride. Sometimes I fear I have too much and others, not enough. The last week was interesting. I actually don't feel like it really happened, rather I was someone omniscient who was looking in. I don't feel like myself. Actually I am not sure what myself is like anymore. I feel lost. It seems like this one incident has spawned into 1001 conversations with my self that begin with "Who is Jessica?". I am so frustrated with everything. I feel inadequate. I have managed to make it 4 days without calling him. I have been tempted, very tempted, but I had to tell myself, like I have told my friends on may occasions: "Have some pride for God's sake". I feel like someone took a knife and cut me in half and left conflicting parts. One side says "Fuck him, lets find someone new" and the other half says "This isn't working, lets just quit pursuing this lifestyle". Sadly I don't agree with either view point. I don't want to just "find someone else" but I don't want to quit either. I want to take a break but even the break frustrates me. I have spent so many years postponing this exploration to give more attention to other tasks and now that I am ready, or that I think I am, it doesn't seem there is anything to see. Why is it that when I am ready, no one else is? Is my timing that bad?

I know this sounds random, but I thought of a quote today.

There is a difference, laughed Hassan, between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.
-TRIBESMEN OF GOR, Page 333

Yes it's a Gor quote. Bite me. But it's a really good quote because it explains a very fundamental difference between types of women. Right now, I have the pride of a FW. I feel myself equal to any man I meet but I strive for the pride of a slave girl, someone who is confident in her own skin and knows that there isn't any other woman who could even touch her. I find I get jealous easily these days. I have noticed a particular woman who posts on Eric's my space page regularly. It's fairly obvious to me that she is a submissive. (rather I know she is, I saw her profile on collarme.com) She is probably his new interest. I hate feeling like this. Trying to figure out what it is about her that he must find more interesting than me. It damn sure isn't her looks. I hate hearing about other submissives but honestly, I can't help asking. It's as if I am obsessed with comparing myself to them. I have no idea where this wave of jealousy has come from but it's killing me. I want it to go away but I am not even sure how it got here to start with. Perhaps I could use that as my graduate thesis. But of course I keep these thoughts to myself, because my pride will not let me admit to a man that I am jealous of a woman he mentions. That would be all the ammo he needs to boost his ego and make me look like a fool. We can't have that. No way, no how.

This post was really random but I guess it's actually a very good representation of where I am mentally. I have thoughts shooting everywhere, but ending no where.

Giving You the Best That I've Got

Do you remember that song? From the always beautiful Miss Anita Baker? I could listen to her music forever. I have been listening to that song for the past 2 days on repeat. It just seems fitting.

The situation with Eric went from bad to worst. I would call and not get an answer. Leave emails and get no replies and when I did get him on the phone, he would make up an excuse to leave after 15-20 minutes of shallow conversation about nothing. Saturday night he told me he would call sunday morning and of course, that call never happened. He told me that he had spent his day playing World of Warcraft. We spoke on the phone and online after his phone died. I got so angry at him when we were on the phone. I yelled at him for criticizing Michael for not being able to master himself and now he was doing the same thing. I told him that he had failed me and that it didn't seem fair for me to take punishments for my wrong doings and for him to walk away with the excuse that he was depressed. I understand his depression, and I sympathize with him because I have been there. However, it seemed everytime I would try to reach out to him he would reject me. I asked him if I was still his submissive and he replied I never was. I think I felt my heart fall on the street and get ran over my a truck at that moment. After a few glances at his myspace page, I am also convinced that he has interest in another woman who happens to live in the same city I live in. He even accused me of trying to guilt him because I would apologize for misunderstanding. The last thing, the accusation of guilting him, was the breaking point. I told him I quit. I decided at that moment that I would not befriend someone who thought that I would try to guilt them into being my friend. So at the moment I deleted his number and told him good night. He apologized for saying it and said that his stomach was hurting. Personally, at that moment, he could have been having a heartattack and I wouldn't have cared less. The whole weekend I talked on and off with Alfred, a very nice older Dom I met. He listens very well and I cannot explain how nice it was to talk with someone and not have them try to make a move on me. I appreciated it so much more than I think he will ever know. One night we were up until 4 am talking.

So that brings us to today. I called Eric during lunch today and he answered the phone (probably because I blocked my number on his caller ID) and asked about his day and suggested that he drink something instead of not eatting at all. Amazingly, he told me "thank you for calling" twice in the conversation. I don't think he thought I would call after last night. Honestly, I didn't think I would either. But something told me to check in. Maybe I am just a fool who is a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I am just someone who is determined to not give up on someone else. I hate caring about people sometimes *kicks myself*. He is far from home and without family or very many close friends. I guess I just feel like maybe, just maybe, the last thing he needs is for someone to give up on him. And maybe I need to be a savior. I know I do. It's just who I am.

So now I am on a mission to teach myself how to be "vanilla". That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jessica's BDSM blog is now turning into the story of a vanilla girl. At least that the plan. And we all know how well my plans work out.

I have taken the opportunity in all of this crap to email a few old friends and check in on them. I guess this all makes me thankful for the great people I have met in my life and how I shouldn't take them or their friendship for granted. I am really excited about the emails I have gotten back. I have one friend who is getting married in 7 weeks. Another who is newly married. One who just got a promotion at DISNEY WORLD! (lucky bitch..lol) and I heard from another who I haven't spoken to in years. So all in all, great responses!

Soo, here I am. Back at square one and starting all over again.

Or not.

Who am I?

(reposted from my collarme.com journal)

I spent some time last night looking at myself in the mirror and thinking on the question, "Who am I?" It's only 3 words but how do you answer it? And when you do, what do you do with the answer? For the first time, in a long time, I let someone make me feel like I was nothing; less than nothing even. I started to question my own self worth and it was then that I realized I had visited a place that I had no desire to visit again. I am a pretty woman, but not the prettiest, I am an intellegent woman, but not the most intellegent, and I am a submissive woman, yet admittedly, not the most submissive. However, what over shadows all of those things is my heart. I have a big heart and it is much bigger and alot more easily hurt than I will let others know. I was talking to another submissive friend of mine the other day and I asked her, "If you knew back then, what you know now, would you have entered that chatroom?" (we both learned about BDSM from the same chatroom) We both came to the conclusion that we didn't know. For all the good that comes with this lifestyle, there is alot alot of hurt and alot of pain and alot of self evaluation. When does humilation play draw the line and become real? Where is that line and how do you tell yourself "it's all play"? How do you find the trust not only in the person you submit to but in yourself. The trust that you won't fall too hard, too fast. How do you find the trust that when things get too deep that you can depend on yourself to be the one who says stop? Or that they can know when to stop? It's alot to think on and even more to figure out. I love this lifestyle and all the opportunity that it has to give, but I don't think I can take another night like last night. I need to take the time to find out "Who am I?"

So where did that last post come from?

Well, wednesday night I was in the kitchen cooking when I decided to call Eric and see how he was doing. Well of course he was horny and wanted me to talk to him in that way but I was hungry and busy working on frying some potatoes. Naturally he wasn't too happy with my refusal to play along and mentioned that maybe a good bath and dinner would set my mood right. So I decided to try to change the subject to lighten things up. I then asked him why he had closed his collarme account. Of course I was thinking he would say "Because I met you". Nope. Not at all. His answer to me was "I am tired of looking for someone and there are other things in my life that I need to concentrate on". I was stunned. For a couple of minutes I couldn't say a word. I finally added "Interesting answer" to which he replied "thank you". My next reaction was to tell him it wasn't a compliment but I told him I didn't want to keep up from bed and the he should probably turn in. Of course being a man he missed the clue and agreed. He asked me to call him on thursday but I told him to just call me instead. Then later I called him back and told him not to call me until he got off work. I knew all I would do is rip into him on his job. I sent him an email telling him my feelings and I have yet to recieve a reply from him or a call. I am thinking this might be the end.

Frustration and Revelation

I started my day at 7:00 am to take my momma to work so I could borrow the car. Afterwards I went to April's job to pick up some money to take to her gf so she could get a hotel for the weekend. I left from there to get some brake fluid for the car and do some dress shopping. I couldn't find any decent skirts or dresses. I am being disgusted with my stomach. I really need to work on it. I had dinner with April and her gf but I got that overwhelming feeling that they were ready to be rid of me. Again, April made a comment about Eric when we were on the phone. I think the next time we get a chance we are going to have to have a talk about it, because it's slowly starting to piss me off. I came home to find that my brother had been home and not washed one dish. So guess who washed them? Exactly. I also called one of the jobs I am very interested in earlier today and the woman said she hadn't made a decision yet and honestly from the tone in her voice I could tell that decision most likely wasn't going to be me. I am so sick of looking for a job. I am honestly thinking of quitting it for a while. If I had known finding a job was going to be this hard, I would have just stayed in school. I find it absolutely appalling that one year after my graduation that I am still stuck at the same overworked and underpaid position I had when I was in high school. Yes, fuckin high school! I can't figure out what is wrong with me. Perhaps I interview badly? I have no idea. In any case, like I tell everyone else, there is a time to give up and its good to know when. I think that time is coming for me.

Tonight I did one of the dumbest or one of the smartest things I could have ever done. Sad thing is, I don't know which. I decided to pull a criminal record and Eric. And yes, there is one. I won't divulge the details but it did ease my heart to know that he didn't have any violent crimes on there. Just some minor infractions. I was a bit upset to see that he even had a record. But then again, in the back of my head, I knew there was something he was running from back in his home state. His move was too sporadic. I think the scariest part in all of this is that still I am not ready to give up on him. I believe somewhere in my heart that I was put in his life to help him and him to help me. He puts confidence in me that I have never really had before. He pulls parts of my submission out that I didn't even know I had. So perhaps it is my job to help him. Maybe I am just a wishful person. Maybe I am fool. I am not sure of which. I just pray that God will help me find my way.

It's days like this when I remember just how old, no young, I am. I don't have the answers or even the wisdom to put an answer together. I am in new and uncharted territory and even worst, I am walking it alone. How do I trust a man who has a criminal record? How does a man trust a woman who continually sets out to find out things from his past? The more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps the fantasy I had for a committed relationship may just be that, fantasy. Maybe this too, should be filed under the "quitting time" tab.