Paying the Cost to be the Boss

WHEW!

What a week last week was and this week proves to be more of the same. So I start my first full week in my new position at work and I am exhausted. I have gone from working 18-24 hours to working 39 hours (just shy of OT, damn!). That can really put the body though some shock. I am tired but I am happy to be tired. It keeps me moving and more importantly, I have some beautiful checks coming my way. I have been looking at some cars. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to know that soon I will purchase my first car, on my own. How many people can say that?! Oh and a new Coach bag. I am hopelessly addicted.

Last week was a whirlwind, physically and emotionally. I decided one night to give Aaron a call and see if he would actually answer. I decided this time to block my phone number and lo and behold, he answers. However after a couple awkward hellos he hung up the phone on me. I called back twice and got no answer, of course. I cried so hard that night but much to my own surprise, the next day I felt nothing. I deleted his phone number from my phone and went to work. I have thought a couple times of writing him a letter and about torching his car. Of course I haven't done either...yet. It makes me sad to know that a man would give up a friend for a woman. I wish I could get some dick like that. The kind that makes you end friendships. LOL I am joking, seriously. I would never give up my friends, especially not for a man. Then earlier in the week I told Alfred I would agree to train with him and I haven't heard from him in a week. Am I surprised? Hell no. I don't think anything surprises me anymore. It just sucks that I have this uncanny knack for meeting every loser there is. Actually I take that back because knowing my luck, someone even worst will approach me tomorrow. I have been talking to Michael again but I doubt that it's going anywhere beyond friendship. I am so lonely lately. It feels like I had everything and lost it in an instant. Did I miss something? *sighs*

I wish school would hurry up and start so I can be even more busy. Busy busy busy! Keeps my mind occupied. I am also excited to have access to a gym again. All I want to do lately is just walk a treadmill or kick a punching bag. I am going to buy myself an MP3 player to motivate my exercize habit. Music really gets me in mood. I heard "More Human than Human" by White Zombie last night at a bar (where I was forced to drink 2 shots of SoCo and lime..lol) and thought to myself..wow what a great song to do the steps to. Yeah...random I know. Oh by the way the bar was reeeeally nice! I plan on going back, especially when college is back in session. :)

Orrite, bed time. Gotta work tomorrow..again... :(

The Price of Success

Success.

It means different things to different people. But the overlying theme in every instance of success is a person overcoming a struggle to become something better than they were before, be it personal or professional. I look at my friends and I see a group of successful men and women. While we may not have achieved the level of success that we ultimately wish to reach, it can be said with absolute certainty that we are well on our way.

I had a great time this past weekend. I went out of town with April and another of her friends T. So the 3 of us girls got hotel rooms and enjoyed nice lunches and dinners all weekend. We also went to a strip club, which I was outraged to pay $20 to get into. It was a shoddy club. I hate to admit it but black strip clubs are severely lacking when compared to the white strip club I went to years ago. The place was crowded and some of the women looked like they had just stepped out of a war zone. I was also pissed because I couldn't find a place to sit down. However, they did have topless boxing which I found mildly entertaining. Money was thrown in the air and I did recover about $6 of my cover-charge on the floor. Some of the men were rather ignorant but what do you expect in a place like that?! April and T. enjoyed themselves so I guess I am happy that they are. Saturday we had breakfast and did some store browsing. Nothing major. As I was browsing one store I got a call from Eric. He called to ask if I was attending the BDSM group meeting I had promised to come to. I told him to tell the ladies who had asked about me that I was sorry I couldn't attend. I was pissed that he would call. It seemed such a phony show of concern. I rushed him off the phone, offering the excuse that I didn't come because I was too busy with other things. Honestly, I didn't want to see him but I wasn't in the mood to go through that drama. At least not at that moment. I had a late dinner with Alfred and enjoyed it immensely. We sat and talked and I must admit, I felt completely at ease around him. One of the first things I noticed was his manicured hands, which I asked about. His response was that he didn't go to college to have rough hands. I loooooooooove that response! Hell I didn't go to college to have rough hands either. I invited him back to the room where he let me sit at his feet and lay my head in his lap. I felt like I was in absolute heaven. His hands were so soft and comforting. He said he didn't know massage but he could have fooled me. His stroking turned into a little bit of play but no intercourse, which really made me happy. It filled that need without me having to put myself on the "whore" level. He told me to give thought to the idea of him training me and I must admit, for the first time I am seriously giving this the thought and consideration that it deserves. I don't want to rush into another fiasco.


Speaking of which, I called Eric Sunday night and asked him to give me 10 mins to just get everything off my chest. And he did which I appreciate more than he knows. However, in my simply stupidity, I expected remorse, which of course I didn't get. So after much prodding it finally came out. What's that you ask? The TRUTH. Why I asked, why did you drop me? I demanded that he say it was because of my attitude or something but you know what he said? He said it was because with all the success that was going on in my life(starting grad school and my promotion at work), he realized the changes he needed to make in his and that in the future I wouldn't have time for him. It made me stop. Literally, just stop. How do you respond to that? How do you process the fact that someone doesn't want you because they are jealous of your success. The success that you worked your ass off for. How simple, small-minded, petty and sick is that? How childish can a grown man be? By that moment, I had to go. I had to hang up the phone and I talked to my momma about it and she just said that there will be men who can't handle it. Men who cannot deal with a woman who has just a bit more than they do. So is that the kind of man I want to be with? The kind who is happy as long as he is doing better? Come on! I thought a man would love to meet a woman who is not only submissive but a success in her professional life. That was the knife to my heart. It hurt but at the same time I tossed in the towel. There are women out there for a man like him. Women who enjoy stroking a man's ego to make up for his lack of self esteem. I wish them the best of luck. They are going to need it.

I went into work today, slightly nervous and slightly excited about starting my new position as a manager. I was however disappointed to see that the other girl who got the promotion was not the one that I was hoping for. When I went to speak with the one who didn't get the promotion, the one who was more deserving in my mind, she was very quiet. She acted as if she didn't want to speak to me and I asked if she was mad at me, to which she replied no. I don't think I saw her crack a smile all day and that really upset me. Normally we are chatting all day but today was just quiet. Way too quiet. I am sure that she is probably just disappointed with the situation and not really mad at me but it still upsets me that she couldn't just be happy for me. This is alot in 2 days. I can't really fathom why people are so offstandish when things go good in someone else's life. Anyone who knows me or at least has read my journals know that I have gone through alot of stress and strife and these things have only happened after YEARS of hard work. ~Sighs~ It all makes me just incredibly exhausted. But I guess the only good that has come of this is that you see a person's true colors in situations like these.

So what's the price of success?

People.

Insecure Thoughts of a Secure Mind

Today was a typical Tuesday. Senior Citizen's Day at the store. Blah. Before I left for work, my brother received a letter that he needed to send more money to the college he is supposed to be attending in the fall. What irritated me so much about it was that I had told him many months ago that the amount that he was sending in, was incorrect. It seems like all summer he has been ignoring my words about what things he would need for college and now, with August approach quickly, he seems in a panic. I want to help him more. I know I could but I am standing behind my sink-or-swim theory. He has to learn sometime. However, it bothers me. His financial aid package is scanty at best. There is no wiggle room at all. I am afraid he may need another loan. He would haven;t have run into this problem had he been more diligent and more active in getting himself ready for college. I think he is afraid to go and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes a 4 year college isn't for everyone. My hope is that he can make it through the first year. After that, he should have it made.

Today I was surfing the internet and thought on my submission. Lately I am so frustrated with the road that has been presented to me. I try to stay positive, telling myself that all of these things, good and bad, happen for a reason. However the reality is that I feel like I am in a glass cage. I can see what is good and great about this lifestyle but for some reason, I cannot get out and enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like my "attitude" (I put that in quotes because I don't consider it that) scares men off. I think I should be happy about that, that it was my weeding out process, but all it does is make me feel lonely. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of being lonely, but the problem lies in my need to get rid of the feeling as quickly as possible. Sometimes that leads me to making decisions too hastily. IE, Eric. I don't regret having sex with him. Some people do one thing well. But I do regret taking it from what it was, to what I wanted it to be, and that was a relationship. You can't have relationships with people who are still trying to figure out who they are. Because then you find yourself in my place, trying to figure who the hell they are as well. I am excited about my dinner this weekend but I am also very nervous. I am on the rebound and I have to keep remembering that so that I don't make another hasty decision. I don't want to make up in my mind, something that isn't really there.

What I would really like is to know and feel that my decision and my feelings about being submissive are true. I want someone to validate that for me. That may sound silly but it's quite important for me to know and for someone else to know that I am more than just some woman with an attitude. For someone to back up, with more than words, that men want more from their women than robotic answers and doormat personalities. My insecurities are riding on high these days, along with my lack of trust. I want that feeling of newness I used to have, where I had faith and hope. I am afraid to step out again, because of feelings of hurt and anger. I want to move on and try new things, however I starting to wonder if now is a good time to do that.

Back to the Future

Today was a fairly normal Saturday. I got up and popped online to check email and such and saw that just as I had gotten online, that I had received a reply from an email I had sent Eric. Seeing that, I gave him a call, which led into pointless conversation about how much he drank last night and how he had some kind of food poisoning from eating bad rice. I was kinda hurt because I had hopes of spreading some good news but of course, he had no interest in anything I had to say. I should know better by now. I feel like writing on my wall "You were his whore. He used you" so that I can get the clear message in my head. Part of me wants a friendship or at least the cold honesty from him that the break up of things had nothing to do with his "smoking" but rather that he no longer held any interest in me. I laughed with April about that, about how sexy it would be to meet a man who held such honesty. I think I laughed so hard because it was the truth.

I went out with April tonight and had wings and then went downtown and we watched a group of drummers. It looked like alot of fun but I just couldn't get into it seemed. I am so stressed lately. I have been offered a promotion at work but I am afraid to take it because I want this assistantship with the grad school department. It will pay more money and have better hours than the promotion. However, I hate to turn it down and then find that this assistantship doesn't come through. Worst case, I quit my current job and takes the assistantship or step down from my promotion. Though I am not sure that is possible. Add to that, I had a frustrating hour or so today trying to work out my financial aid and then I just heard from my mother that we are short on the cell phone bill that my brother ran up to over $400 this month ($600 next month) and I feel like I could scream. I am tired. I feel like I can't seem to get enough sleep. I am planning a weekend away next week with April and I am seriously thinking of canceling it just so I can pay the bill up. It doesn't seem fair. I work so hard for the things I want and need and yet I see my family, well my mother and my brothers, leech off of other people for their needs. They claim I am too independent. I say they are correct. If I can't make it on my own now, what will happen 5 years from now when I have rent or a mortgage and car insurance, etc. I want more from my life than living paycheck to paycheck and right now, that's what I am facing. I am facing a paycheck to paycheck life, just to pay back the money that I owe now. I am not going to graduate school for that. I see the frustrations my daddy has had to deal with and I don't want those. I don't want to have to support my spouses mistakes time and time again. I deserve better than that.

Next weekend, while on my trip, I am planning to have dinner with Alfred. I am really excited about it. A bit nervous as well. He told me that he would be entertaining company this week (ie another prospect) and while I admit I am a smidge jealous, it didn't seem to effect me as much as I have known situations like that to do. Perhaps because he told me and I didn't have to hear about it second hand. I really enjoy talking with him and I find when I do, it makes me feel at ease. He is always chuckling when we are the phone. I swear I think he is probably laughing at me. But overall a nice man, and honest man from what I know of him so far. His intentions to train me seem very sincere. He hasn't made any sexual innuendos and has said he doesn't want anything romantic. I can appreciate that, especially after this last fiasco. Dinner this weekend should be interesting. I am, to steal his phrase, "cautiously optimistic".

That is about this, and other things.