Can I live?-intro

I know this is random but I abolutely love this intro from an old Jay-Z song, Can I Live. Everytime I hear it I always think about my blog here.

We invite you to, somethin epic y'all know?
Well we hustle out of a sense of, hopelessness
Sort of a desperation
Through that desperation, we 'come addicted
Sorta like the fiends we accustomed to servin
But we feel we have nothin to lose
so we offer you, well, we offer our lives
What do you bring to the table?

The Great White Hype-Revisited

Wow.

I looked back at my last journal article and just went wow. On initial thought, I was going to delete it but then decided not to because at that time, those were my true and honest feelings and for the most part, still are. However I want to follow up by saying I was wrong by saying that every white male I meet is a certain way. That was wrong. Many of them are. Hell most of them are but there are some good ones and I don't want to discount them because I know I wouldn't want someone to lump me in a category with every bitchy black woman.

I started my first week of school on monday and to say that I am absolutely livid with my school would be an understatement. Yesterday I spent 8 hours standing in the financial aid line only to be greeted with a bad attitude from a woman who told me that no counselor would speak to me. I went to the student affairs office and the woman there told me I was certainly not the first or the last person to complain. I had some other people call in and complain as well. The good news of the week is that I did get an assistantship so that's a little extra money as well. As soon as my other money comes in, I will be able to afford a new car. How exciting is that? LOL I am looking forward to my freedom. I miss it so much. Especially now since I am back on campus and remember what it was like in undergrad and having that freedom to come and go as you please without question. I am working on a small financial plan to get myself in working order by the end of the year so that I can start eliminating some debt. This will make it easier for me to move out when I graduate school.

I don't really have much to say tonight because I am tired and in need of a good long night of sleep. Since I don't have to work tomorrow, I think I will take advantage of the opportunity.

The Great White Hype

So another week has passed and only a weekend stands between me and my first day of grad school. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. This week was rather frustrating however. I ducked in and out of lines all week in an attempt to make sure my money and classes were squared away for the semester. I tell you its a big difference between my old college and my new one. My new one is an HBCU and efficientcy is surely not on their top 10 list of things to do. I have never seen such disorganization and chaos as I have this week. I was nervous that somehow things would get screwed up beyond my control but so far, things are good. I am grateful for the good fortune God has sent me in this regard. Things with Eric has seemed to calm to a luke-warm acquaintance. Things were rocky for a couple days after the incident but he seems to back with his new sub so I suppose alls well that ends well. Something like that.

Unfortunately, the good news stops there. After 3 weeks of hearing nothing from Alfred and only getting an email in which he praised my patience, I called him and blocked my number and got him to answer. After hearing my voice he hung up the phone. Talk about deja-vu. I felt scandalized. With Aaron, I had an idea but this time I am absolutely fuckin clueless. I mean he just sent me an email full of praise last week and this week I get hung up on. I decided to cut my losses and just delete his number. I suppose I am not really that upset about it, as I wasn't very attracted to him physically but I am an open-minded person. I can look past that. Pft, I even ignored the obvious flirting of the waiter at the restaurant we went to. I won't do that stupid shit again. Ugh he was too cute too.

But over the course of the past couple of days I have started to develop some serious theories about white men and black women. I really got to thinking about my relationships or run-ins with white men over the past few years and I have noticed a recurring theme among ALL of them. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, every fuckin last one of them. They love to play the game of chase. Each one has a different approach. But the game is always the same. They have charming words and most times they include something about how beautiful and attractive they find black women to be. And when you add to that fact that I am a black woman who is interested in a BDSM lifestyle, the allure is increased tenfold. I have heard it all...about how black women pose a bigger challenge and how they are so submissive and my all time favorite, they look good in white rope. Well that last line usually makes me giggle because I am light skinned and have seen white people who have tanned darker than myself. Many of them are into race play, which I have found that I enjoy only if I trust that the man who is engaging in it is playing and doesn't truly feel that way about me. And believe me, I have met some men who really make you question if they are card carrying members of the Klan. Now after many nights of chit chat and dinners and even some play, you get to observe the slow diminish of interest. The flame goes out and it goes out fast. Then you are left with feels of regret and most of all shame and disappointment. You start to wonder what it is that you did that was so wrong and so terrible that they had to drop you off without a word...no thank you, no goodbye, no fuck you very much. But this week the light bulb went off and man is it bright! I was telling my cousin about my incident and he laughed and said "What a bitch move. That's such a female thing to do. His girl was there". I laughed and even at 18, he has some great insight. It was never about me and what I did and didn't do. It was about him and his need to stroke his ego. It was about the chase and the pursuit of "forbidden fruit". That's what I am to these men. I am not a woman, or even a person. I am a pursuit, a hunt...wild game if you will. A race to see who can tame the black woman with the fiery attitude. I am tired of it. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of being some man's whore for his personal enjoyment and then tossed to the side when Becky or Katie pops back into the picture. I am sick of being lied to and used. I talk to other black women subs online and many of them crave a white man and I completely understand their feelings. Black men aren't much better. However, I guess I can say that at least they don't find me attractive simply because of my race. Sometimes I wonder if I were white, would I go through these same issues? I honestly don't think so. And you want to know what I am even more sick of? I am tired of being told that I have an offstandish attitude. Hello??? If you were continually misled and lied to, you would be a brick wall too. *sighs* Then again all of this could be bullshit and it could just be that I am a fuck up. I don't even know anymore...

I'd cry but I am too tired to waste the water.

I always make the joke with people that if I didn't have such high self esteem I would kill myself. I always get a laugh from that one, that is except from those who really know me and know that what I am saying is dead serious. I was talking to Michael about this all last night and he said to me "You need someone to take care of you". Instead of arguing back and protesting that I was just fine and could take care of myself, like I normally would have done, I agreed with him. I asked him if he was volunteering and he said he would but he didn't think I wanted him. I felt a pang of hurt in my heart when I read that. If I were him, I would have been gone along time ago. However, he has stuck around and picked me up off my ass after all my falls, which in all honesty, he had no reason to. I just hate that it's taken me this long to realize what kind of kind hearted man he is. I really thank God for him.

You know I started to realize this week how much I miss the old Jessica. The one who would point out a man and say "I'm gonna fuck him" and at 3 am kindly ask him to get out of my bed and be on his way. I guess the scare of STD's and AIDS slows that attitude down some but lately I have this desire for a relationship that has put me in very compromising situations that have left me with a broken spirit, heart and self-esteem. Part of me wonders if I am even made for relationships. If they are story-book ideals. Heck part of me is eve starting to question my submissiveness. What if I am not submissive? Perhaps thats why I am so irritated and frustrated and these men claim I am too headstrong. It's a thought to ponder.

I could probably ramble on for another hour but its late and my bed is calling me. I need sleep desperately and its my plan to try to be in bed by midnight from now on and get at least 6 hours sleep in.

Sorry for all the curse words. It's been of those weeks...

Bad Girl

Have you ever done something so wrong that it makes you question your humanity?

Something that as soon as you did it, you had that feeling, the one down deep in your stomach that you could be sick at any minute from the guilt alone?

Yeah I did that.

The other night I spoke to someone who in turn talked to someone else and it all got back to Eric. At the end of the day, it ended his relationship with his new sub. Now in the beginning I was angry and upset as I was going on about the details of his faults but after I had said them, I knew I had crossed a line. I asked my friend Kelly her opinion of what I had done. When I ask another's opinion, I know I have done wrong. Usually I am fairly secure in my decisions and actions. But today he called me at midnight and asked about it, to which at first I lied and then said fuck it, yes I said those things. He then told me that things were over and immediately I felt even worst than I did the night bofore. I told him that I did feel guilty after I said them but I doubt he believes me and moreover, I wouldn't believe me either. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. Part of me is giddy to see him hurt the way I did but the other part of me feels like a jerk and a lower grade of human. I want to make it right. I feel absolutely conflicted. I feel like a bad person. I feel like someone who is at peace. I feel so many things that I am not sure what to do or think right now.

Needing, Wanting, Hoping

Another day of work. Another LONG day of work. Lately the only thing I am anxious for is a little time alone. It seem to be in short supply. Just to think, soon I will have to add another 9 hours to my schedule in a couple weeks. Fun times. I just have to keep telling myself that a month from now, I will be the owner of a brand new car and that this is all worth it.

More prevalent than all of my thoughts is the one of longing. I am so in desperate need of someone to dominate me that I have to watch myself. It doesn't even have to be in bed. I would be happy to just serve a man dinner at this point and feel the gentle pat on the head and a "good girl". My body quivers at just the thought of it. I miss the feeling of being needed and wanted and most importantly, appreciated. I have been speaking with more men online, expanding my view but unfortunately none of them seem to spark that fire in me, scratch that itch just the way I want it scratched. I suppose I should stop looking but its almost as if I can't. I am so frustrated. I thought I had found that in Alfred but here we are 8 days later and no call or email. I hate that feeling of knowing that to someone I am just a toy that they can pull out when they get bored. Perhaps that's what he thought. Perhaps he was wrong. Dead fuckin wrong.

I don't want to be a jaded woman. I don't want to be the angry black woman who hates all men. But I most certainly don't want to be the naive girl who gets stepped on at every opportunity. I want to find that balance. However in the mean time I am curious how to take care of my need. I want to have sex but I have never been a very promiscuous woman and I am in no way wanting to start being so. Toys are fun but they don't dominate, they don't humiliate. I have thought of a pro-dom but who the hell has that kind of money? Not I, said the lil black girl. I guess for now I will just have to suffer and live through it and figure something out eventually. School is starting soon. Men are all over campus.

Educated and Dominant?

One could only hope.