Teach U a Lesson

So Robin Thicke is officially my new crush.

Just get his new CD and you will know why. This one song just seals the deal for me.

"Teach U A Lesson"

U feel so good
U smell so good
U feel so warm
Just like I knew u would
I can't let u go
I can't let u go
I can't let u go

U were late 2 school
Im gonna have 2 see u after class
Uve been a bad girl
Someones gonna have 2 teach u a lesson
Uve been a bad girl
Someones gonna have 2 straighten u right out
Uve been a bad girl
Someones gonna have 2 teach u
Teach u teach u teach u

U can call me professor
But baby u broke the rules
U wont get the grade u want
Unless u stay after school
U can work it off
Baby I can give u extra credit
But theres something else
U were late 2 school
Teach u teach u teach u
Girl can I frisk u
Search your body 4
You look so guilty 2 me
If I make u nervous
Its cause youre hiding WMDs
And Im gonna sentence u
Baby u can do your time on me
I cant let u go
I cant let u go

U were late 2 school
Im gonna have 2 see u after class
Uve been a bad girl
Someones gonna have 2 teach u a lesson
Uve been a bad girl
Someones gonna have 2 straighten u right out
Uve been a bad girl

Break Me

People who know me, know that one of my favorite things to tell them when they are trying to tell me something that I may not like is "I promise you won't break me". That is perhaps the biggest lie and truth I have ever told myself or anyone else. The truth is that it takes a lot for words to break me down but when they do, I hit rock bottom.

I was talking to Alfred last night and we got on the conversation about what a year of ups and downs I have had. I started by telling him about the great and the not so great people in the lifestyle that I have met and how they influence how not only I see myself but BDSM in general. I started reflecting on the negative things I have heard and how at times they were comical and at others hurtful. I told him sometimes I felt like my age, my race and my size were things that seemed to turn me away. I always figured men wanted the petite blonde with the blue eyes and perky boobs as their subs. The girls who stay home and clean house and pull off their mans shoes when he walks in the door and gives him a welcome home blow job. Not that the idea of that doesn't just make me grin but I can't see it as an everyday thing. I have been told that black women were not as submissive as white women. I can see how a man could get that idea. I have been told black women were naturally submissive. Again I can see that as well. I have heard that at my age I couldn't possibly understand the lifestyle. I guess I can see that. I have been told that at my age its the best time to get into the lifestyle. Good point. But the one statement that kills me is when a man tells me that someone who is my size must have low self esteem and that is why they are a sub. Who the hell ever said that having low self esteem was a requirement of not only being plus size but also for being submissive? Low self esteem is one of the last problems I have. Now don't get me wrong I have doubts someday, especially in the looks department but ask me who is the most intelligent person I have ever met and I will tell you, with no cockiness or attitude that its the woman I see in the mirror every morning. But could it be that something so simple as my weight could make a man think I am a lesser woman? I mean isn't that the same thing as saying a man's penis size makes him a lesser man? Because if so, I know a looooot of lesser men. Perhaps more than my fair share. Hmmm. Could being a black woman with a higher degree make me a bigger bitch and there fore less submissive? Could being 24 make me less aware of who I am and what I need? These are real questions I have asked myself and wondered about. I know deep in my heart that they are meaningless factors but as I try to take the time to learn myself I find that sometimes I am in rut and in a hole, trying to figure out who is lying and who is telling me the truth. Alfred says I have been playing the guessing game for a long time. That couldn't be more true. Ok, for example. D called me sometime last week while I was at work so I have called him nearly every other day since then. Well today I got him and he said he was on his way to the shower and would call back and of course didn't. Well fuck it, I am tired of calling because at this point I feel like I am being a bother. In fact I am tired of calling a lot people. "Call me back tomorrow" they always say but they never pick up. Sometimes I feel like people...No, men...call me when they have no one else. But I am that kinda girl I guess. Great for friendship and nothing more. That is until someone wants me...then I get to play the "I want you too" game. Bitches.

As this conversation carried on I could feel my eyes watering and so I got quiet, which surprised Alfred. He says I am always so chatty, to which I replied I was in my thinking place. Words hurt, even weeks, months and years after they were spoken. Even long after the author of them is forgotten. It doesn't take a lot to break me but when it does happen, its a feeling that I don't wish on many. And for a moment last night, I felt broken.

Eventually the conversation turned to the idea of me being trained by him to which I asked about why he stopped talking to me. He said that he wanted to make sure I was sure about what I wanted. Truth be told, I am never sure. I am always afraid to commit to someone for fear that either someone better suited will come around or that the person I am with will hurt me.

My only serious turn off with Alfred is the full knowledge of know there are others. I am not sure how well I will survive in knowing there are others who may or may not take my time. I don't share well. Especially when I am anything less than alpha. But I have agreed to at least visit with him and seriously talk about it. He asked if I had the time and honestly I don't have much time but what I have even less of is patience with being a servant with no one to serve but myself. It just bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if Dominants get that feeling. The one of feeling like something is missing when they don't have someone to serve them. Maybe it's just me.

But for now, I am considering the pros and cons of this arrangement. I have a couple weeks before I am asked to sign on the dotted line. Literally.

Listening and Hearing

So I got out of class tonight and decided I didn't want to go home just yet. I had a full tank of gas and decided to ride around and talk on the phone for a while. I made a few calls but no one answered. I called one particular man who was bit too preoccupied with playing WOW (world of warcraft) to talk. I kinda giggled to myself when he hung up the phone because more and more he reminds me of Aaron. I wish I had a nickle for everytime Aaron cut me off to play his online rp games. I suppose there is a little comfort in such frustrations.

So I gave Alfred a ring and much to my surprise he was in a very chatty mood tonight. He asked me which lifestyle-related books I had read and my opinions of them. That of course excited me because nothing is better than a man who enjoys hearing my taste in literature. He made the comment that he was surprised that a woman like myself was still without a Dom. I had to laugh. I wasn't sure if he was being sincere until he asked, "Jessica, what do you think you are missing?" I was stunned. I don't think anyone has ever asked me that. I said of course the obvious: "A Dom!" He laughed but then got serious and asked what else. I told him that I was missing a man who would listen to me, not just hear me. A man who would understand that I am a fragile woman who has been hurt and that the shell is just protection. That in my heart I want nothing more than to be at a man's feet. I told him I was terrible at expressing my feelings and wanted to learn how to do a better job of that. He listened and made the observation that I needed someone to report to. Which I do, but I answered with a simple "perhaps". Before hanging up he asked me why I talked to him. I replied that I didn't know and he informed me that I was to contact him when I found the answer. I asked him why he talked to me and he said he would answer when I answered his question first. It's a question I have to think on. Well perhaps I don't. He gives me that "feeling". The one I get when a Dominant man is around me, near me, within ear shot. The feeling of being breathless and shakey, where the only word that will come out are no Sir or yes Sir. It's an automatic and unmatched feeling. I wish every woman could feel that way just once. I know the answer, I guess I am just afraid to say it outloud. I am afraid of being disappointed again.

Hell Week

Sororites and frats don't know shit about hell week.

Try working 40 hours at a retail job, going to class full time with an exam on tuesday night, working in volunteer and gym hours and not to meantion time to cook and clean for Thanksgiving. Ohh and schedule a hair appointment because my weave got matted up. (PS. Don't buy Beverly Johnson hair extensions. Not because they aren't good quality, because they are, but because you can't contact the company with complaints) So now I am sitting here wondering when I can do laundry and homework. I have class tonight too. And the worst part about all of this is that the only thing that is on my mind is being teased, tormented, and used.

As if I have time to let my mind wander on issues like that.

As if I could stop it...

I am so hopeless at times.

These 3 words

I want you.

Those 3 words are what separate the men from the boys. There is absolutely nothing sexier than hearing a man say "I want you" in that voice. You know the voice. The one where their voice gets low and husky, like a man who is looking for his last breaths. It sounds so sensual, so animalistic. And we know how much I enjoy a man who acts on his primal urges.

Last weekend I went back to my alma mater for a football game and to visit my brother. While I was down there I decided to stop in and see one of my professors from undergrad. Ok, background. This particular professor has been a great help in getting me into graduate school. He not only suggested I go to grad school but wrote a reference letter for me. He also gave me a job my senior year that was phenomenal. That same year I started to notice that on days when I wore low cut shirts (which is often) he would be staring at my breasts. I have DDD's so that isn't anything new to me but it was the look in his eye that stood out. It was the kind of look that said "I want to fuck you". I told a friend of mine about it and she laughed but agreed that he did look at me in that way. We'd often make "old perv" jokes but the truth in it all was, that I kinda had a thing for him too. I have a serious teacher fetish and there were several days that I would look at his desk and wonder how it would feel to be bent over it. So this particular weekend I sent him an email to let him know I would be stopping by to talk about my grad school experience to which he replied for me to call the office and see if he was still there when I got into town. He also sent his cell phone number. Shortly after I got into town and spent time with my brother and his friend I stopped by his office. It was after 5pm so I figured he would have left by then but much to my surprise he was still there. I stepped in his office and was greeted by a huge hug and I mean a HUGE hug. The kind of hug that makes me purr. So afterwards we sat down and talked about school and as I was talking he would tap my foot with his and laugh, which in turn would make me laugh. During the convo I made the comment about being 25 next year and he reached over and toyed with a piece of my hair making the comment that he didn't see any grey hairs yet. I could feel my cheeks getting red at that moment. Playing with my hair is one of the few things that really turns me on. He asked about what was going on in life besides work and school and I told him I didn't have a life beyond that. I did tell him about my accident (which he got up and touched my elbow that got cut) and I told him I went to Halloween party and described my costume to which he replied.."Lt. Uhuru". I was shocked he would even know. Twice while we were talking his wife called but not once did he reply that he had someone in his office. He would simply say "uh-huh...yeah...I'll be done in an hour or 2". After the second call I stood up and said I needed to get going so that he could get home and he laughed telling me not to worry about it. He then asked if he could catch a ride home with me as he had walked to work that day. I said yes and drove him home to his house which wasn't far from the school at all. Before he got out he reached over and laced his fingers with mine and asked me to consider coming back to school there for graduate school if things didn't work out and for me to keep in touch. I agreed and gave him a hug before he got out and went in the house. Now I am unsure how to interpret all of this. I mean he has never touched me at all. Well he did give me a small hug for graduation but other than that, hands to himself. I am not sure if he was being nice..or being NICE. Part of me was dying to sit in his lap while we were talking. And the desk is still there....

This past week I have met a man who warps my mind in ways that it hasn't be in years.I met him online and we chatted online a few times before I let him call me. He is from Chicago, which is far from here and normally I wouldn't bother with it but he truly intrigues me. He is in grad school as well and is a rather well spoken man. His fetishes are outrageous. He enjoys humiliation, oral sex, anal sex, watersports, bestiality, age play and race play just to name a few. Oh...did I mention he is black? That's right..a black man who enjoys race play. It totally blew my mind as most black Doms I meet are usually annoyed with the fact that some black subs enjoy that. He however embraces it and finds within it the completely humiliating nature of it. Now while I don't particularly care of many of his fetishes, he can tell a story that is so vivid that you can almost say.."I get it". So I have decided to share some of my own stories with him which he has truly enjoyed. One night he said to me "I want you" in that voice that makes my body shiver. He keeps making the comment about me coming to see me. I laughed because of course I am not going up there but that someone finds my own fantasies interesting enough to even consider coming this way makes me smile. He makes me uncomfortable and that is a feeling I haven't experienced in sometime. I want to feel uncomfortable around a man. I want to have that ounce of fear...I need to feel like I have lost my control. I want to try things that push my limits, just a bit...or more....

I have also started chatting with a man who I met at the party. He's a white dom who has an interest in black girls. Yeah I know...we hit this topic before. However, this particular man seems alright. I really enjoy talking with him. We actually talk. Can you believe that shit? LOL I ask him about certain topics and he actually talks about them. He puts me in the mind of Aaron. Only slightly though. He plays online rping games and physically is built like him. One night he just let me listen to songs from his music collection. And while that doesn't sound very exciting to most people, I really liked it. I asked him if I could exchange some house cleaning for the opportunity to download some music and burn CD's. He said that sounded good to him. I want the opportunity to serve but lately the idea of doing so sexually doesn't seem to appeal to me. Not to say that I don't want sex. I damn near want it every day but I figure it's time for me to approach this all with a new thought process. Explaining it in words is difficult so I won't even try. Ohh and he said he would take me a better strip club than that shit hole I went to earlier this year. I hate to admit it but I am slightly excited about that.

School still sucks ass. I am currently working on applications to other schools. I am going to go next semester but unless it does a 180 I think its best for me to move on. This of course means I would have to move out which honestly isn't a bad thing. I feel like I missing out on part of my life by being here in this city, living at home. I want to see more than these 4 walls. I want to sit and watch TV in my underwear. I want to buy porn and bring it home and not worry about someone finding it. I want to bring a man home. Well maybe not that last part. But you get where I am going. I just want my freedom. A space to call mine. Not to mention a city that isn't as dull as the one I live in. I am bored here with nothing more to do on friday night than go to the bar or go to walmart. But we will see what the new year and semester brings.

I am pondering what to do for new years. Its been such a big year for me that doing something big for new years only seems fitting. I am thinking of going out of town for a few days. Just dressing up and going out. Take in a couple expensive dinners and do some shopping. Ohh Or maybe even head to Atlanta! Not sure yet but I know I won't be here.

I just got a message from Michael saying "I miss you".

I love those 3 words too. I'm going to curl up in bed and call him and see if maybe I can warp his mind for a while.