A Surprising Weekend

How quickly things change in my life over a matter of a few days. I guess thats one of the things that keeps my life interesting. Last week after the honeymoon bliss of being attached had died off I started to realize I was irritated with my relationship with D. Lately the text messages and phone calls have been only coming over other day. I know I told him I didn't mind the distance but the lack of communication is almost too much for me to take. However, I figured that it wouldn't be a problem since we were going to see each other this past weekend. Saturday morning came and I hadn't heard from him in days. I started not to go out of town but I went anyway, figuring that he would call later and meet me there. He never showed up. I went to my usual monthly group meeting and watched the presentations but honestly I would have to say that my mind was preoccupied with the reality that I was either being stood up or that something had happened to him. Unfortunately I don't wear emotions well on my face and several people noticed that I was not myself. Several times I had to inhale deeply because I could feel the sting of tears starting to show in my eyes. Even Eric, in his own amusing way showed some concern for me. Well that was until his girl arrived. I kinda laughed. There was something familiar in that and actually made me feel better. After the presentation I had dinner with a few people from the group and then retreated back to my hotel room. (Which was beautiful by the way) The moment I hit the door I burst into tears and sat in a chair, deciding there was little to no point for me to go out that night to the social party. I gave Alfred a call and told him my situation, as I realized that he wasn't there earlier.
Well sometime during the conversation I decided to get up and get dressed and head out, if only to watch my friend do her first public scene. I arrived at the party and was a bit amused to find I was one of the more conservatively dressed women there. And I thought my low cut shirt was risque! I guess I am just not there yet. However, I spotted a man with whom I had met earlier at the presentation and spoke to him for a while. He was absolutely charming and quite funny and soon realized that my frustration from earlier was melting away at rapid speed. With him was 2 older men, who had travelled from out of state. I soon found my cheeks were burning from laughing at stories about midget wrestling and bucket fucking. (Ask me about that sometime lol) Occasionally they would ask me if I was playing but between my own self consciousness and my sadness at the change in my plans for the weekend, I would simply reply that I was new and not ready for such. Sometime during the night, as I was watching these men and their skill with floggers and whips, one of them asked me what I was into. And for some reason one of the first things that fell out of my mouth was that I wasn't into pain but I liked hair pulling. Well after a few strokes on my back one of the older men, grabbed my hair and pulled it. I felt like my knees had turned into wet noodles and I was on my knees before I had realized what had happened.
But to make a long story short, I was invited back to their room after the party and I went. I know that sounds insane and hell it still sounds insane but I hate to admit it but I felt more comfortable around them than I did people I had been interacting with for months. Two other girls were in the hotel room as well, as they had been playing with the men at the party. I watched as they did fireplay on the back of one of the girls. I have to admit I am still in amazement over that. I let one of the guys do it to my arm. I think next time I might have to do more. After a while the men laughed because I had my clothes still on but another tug on my hair and I was under again. Now here my memory gets a bit hazy but I remember one, the younger one who was telling the midget stories led me into another room and sat me on a ottoman and took off my shirt while one of the older men had plugged in a violet wand and ran it over my back. My God that is something else! It's like every nerve in your body is jumping. I did alot of wiggling and the guy knelt in front of me and held me, slapping my face and pulling my hair from time to time. I was then turned over on my stomach and had the wand ran over my back while I was being spanked. Then sometime later I was flogged, which surprise surprise I really enjoyed. It wasn't hard at all. I even felt a singletail and the cracking sound of that nearly made me pass out. Ohh and I had birthday spanking too. But the part that just make me squirm even now was as I was sitting in a chair afterwards and I felt something cold run up my back and then suddenly there was a knife at my throat. If I learned anything I have learned that fear turns me on like no other. After everyone else had gone to bed, me and the younger guy (soo sorry about the descriptions, trying to use fewer names) stayed up a while longer and he fucked me with a crop handle. By then I was exhausted and ready for bed. I started to go get dressed to head back to my hotel and he took me by the hand and led me to his bed, promising to be a gentleman. And for the most part he was. He did nestle his dick between my asscheeks but I kinda enjoyed that myself so no complaints here. All of them were gentlemen really. They wrapped me in a blanket, got me a glass of water, even when I insisted I should do the serving. The one with the violet wand held my hand and told me if I ever wanted him to stop all i had to do was say "red". The next morning before I left they showed me the places on my body that should never be hit with a crop. I had no idea about the sides of my thighs. I am glad they told me. I did leave one my email address and he was kind enough to add me to messenger. "Fall in love with the moment and not the people involved". Thats what my friend told me once and I let those words ring in my brain as I got dressed and wished them all a safe trip home. But ugh...so fine was the one who I slept in bed with. And he was a cuddler too!
But in all of this, I still missed my D. I called him job on Monday and he answered, saying that his phone was messed up and he didn't have access to the internet. I am upset with him. Very much so. But I miss him. I am wondering after this weekend if perhaps my best option is to remain single and see what else is out there. I should meet more men like those 3 and test my limits. I am going to tell D about the weekend. Either he will be cool or come out of a bag. I am interested to see which it will be. I have been also spending time with a Dom friend who lives in the city next to mine. He is doll and messages me daily and has been kind enough to listen to my issues through all of this. I know that he is fond of me. And I am quite fond of him as well but I am not sure that I could make it more than a friendship. He doesn't really turn me on or excite me the way that D does or even the way these 3 men do. They all have this look in their eyes, a look that frightens me. There goes that fear thing again. So now I am enjoying the fading sting of my healing bruises and thinking and evaluating my situation. Wondering if maybe all this time that thing that was holding me back was my need to be in a relationship. Perhaps in some strange irony, I am less lonely single and exploring. I want to see these 3 men again sometime soon. Ask them to push me. If they ever come across this blog I hope they know that it is them that I am talking about and that they left a fan for life back in North Carolina.

Insecurities

As I start to look at myself as a newly owned woman, it has forced to look at my own flaws and insecurities. One of the main things that attracted me to D was the fact that he actually enjoyed the thought of me being with other men and I enjoyed the thought of him being with other women. And while this still holds very true what I do fear, often in the back of my mind is that one of these women may pull him away from me. That he may one day find me boring. The sad thing is that if one of my friends had come to me with this dilemma I would simply tell them that is was blessing in disguise. That they wouldn't want to be with a man who would find them to be dull and boring anyway. I suppose I would be wise to take my own advice. In fact I know I would.

But something does ring in the back of my mind as I write this. D asked me one night when we were talking if he had ever given me any reason to doubt he only had good intentions. And aside from not talking to each other as often as I would like I would have to say no, he hasn't. I haven't heard any crazy stories and read anything insane about him online. I just hate that life has delt me so many idiots that now my radar goes up before anything even happens. Then again I am always the first to say that I believe in self preservation. No need in setting myself up for failure. Next weekend we are going to a play party and I am excited to go. Not only to see him again, but to be able to experience being in a welcoming environment for the type of relationship we share. He has been generous enough to allow me to go out on dates in his absence. I had dinner with a very nice gentleman (hmm..) last weekend. I feel alot of guilt about this dinner though. The gentleman is a Dom and has made it clear to me that he wants me. He is quite aware of D and has been respectful of the limits that he has placed on me but I have not being exactly forthcoming to D about who this date is. As in, he doesn't know he is Dom. I want to tell him but at the same time I don't want to do the same dumbass thing I did with Eric and cut off every man who shows some interest in me only to be dropped on the wayside with in a handful of weeks. It just doesn't seem wise.

So I guess in a way I am stepping into this relationship prematurely. It is my hope and feeling that we can grow together and within that time slowly let down my guard and become more trusting. It will come, that I am completely sure of. I am just not sure when. I am not going to rush it either. I want to make it work with him. He just makes me smile. My date was fun and exciting but D watches Law and Order with me and calls to say shit like "You know they should make a sign for 'eat shit and die'". Its random but its the kind of stuff I sit around and think about. I want so much more than someone to have sex with and tell me what to do. I want someone I can grow with. I guess before I can start thinking growth I have to get over my own insecurities. Besides, he chose me, I didn't chose him...certainly that must say something!

Owned

Yes that is right. I am now owned. It's a bit strange feeling and almost surreal to say that to even my own self. To say, Jessica you belong to him now. But that is the reality. I am now D's submissive. Last night I sat in a parking lot as I let out my feelings about the fear of being abandoned and unappreciated and he listened, quietly and didn't interrupt me. Even said he understood my fear of entering into such a relationship. The past couple weeks have been a bit shakey for me but I think after last night and really letting him know how I feel about being owned, he realized just how deep and serious my commitment is. I am looking forward to the future, our future. My future at his feet...

To a Happy New Year!

I missed the count down this year.

I turned and looked at the clock and saw it was 12:21am and then looked him and laughed saying "We missed the countdown." I didn't mind though. I don't think he did either.

I went out of town this weekend and my God did I need it. I left work on friday angry and irritated with my co-workers. Most of them are younger than me and don't have the same work ethics I do, so when it comes to trying to get tasks accomplished we often butt heads. The more I think about it, the more I am ready to quit and find a new job. I don't need the added stress. So saturday, I went to the spa and enjoyed a manicure, pedicure and massage. I am going to have to invest in more spa time in the future. I had this wonderful blueberry and lemon tea and just left the place feeling beautiful. The next day, New Year's Eve, I got up to a rainy and dreary day but I left the room anyway while my best friend was in her's sleeping. D came to see me that night. I went out to dinner with April and then back to a friends house before I returned to the hotel. When I got back to my room D has laid rope and cuffs and collars all out of on the bed. All I could remember is just standing there and staring, feeling the apples of my cheeks starting to burn. He looked over at me and kinda smirked, telling me to have a seat. We drank 2 bottle of smirenoff and half a bottle of champagne. I was in a wonderful mood to say the least. D slept in most of teh day on Monday. I got up and went and got us breakfast. Around 5 I was starting to get irritated with him. I couldn't understand how he could just stay in bed all day. I would get up and move around, cleaning up the room, ironing clothes, making calls just to ward off my own boredom. I started to feel like he was bored with me and thus didn't want to do anything else with me. I gave him a little attitude before he left but when he hugged me goodbye I didn't want for him to go. I want to apologize to him for my attitude but unfortunately I haven't talked to him all day. I am praying its not too late to do so. I feel stronger for him now after this weekend than I did before. I suppose I walked into this looking for a weekend of fun and left with the desire to learn him and serve him. I am trying to remain impartial, at least until I know his feelings. I'll be damned if I have another Eric episode. I haven't heard from Alfred in over a month. I see he has gotten my messages but hasn't bothered to return them. The man is truly fucked. It will be interesting to see him again. I know I will. So tonight I going to curl in bed with my thoughts of the weekend and hope to speak to him tomorrow and moreover put my feelings the table. At least one more time.

Maybe its true what they say about the first person you kiss after midnight...