Shut the fuck up

That's my word.

That is what I want to tell everyone today. I want to tell them to shut the fuck up. Everyone wants me to "feel better" and to stop being upset and move on. I don't want to be stop being upset. I want to be angry. It allows me to feel something besides being a victim and I heart broken whimp. The anger keeps me from crying. It keeps me from crumbling. It keeps me together. So please don't tell me to feel better and to move on. I don't feel like it right now.

Wildflower

This will always and forever be one of my favorite songs. I have had it on repeat lately, for obvious reasons:

Wildflower - Temptations rendition

She's faced the hardest times,
You could imagine
And many times,
Her eyes fought back the tears
And when her youthful world,
Was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders,
Bore the weight of all her fears
And a sorrow no one hears
Still rings in midnight silence
In her ears

Let her cry,
For she's a lady
Let her dream
For she's a child
Let the rain,
Fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower
Growing wild

And if by chance,
I should hold her
Let me hold her for a time
But if allowed just one possession
I would pick her from the garden,
To be mine

Ummmm....................
Be careful how you touch her,
For she'll awaken
And sleep's the only freedom,
That she knows
And when you walk into her eyes,
You won't believe
The way she's always payin'
For a debt she never owes
And a silent wind still blows
That only she can hear
And so, she goes

Let her cry,
For she's a lady
Let her dream,
For she's a child
Let the rain
Fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower
Growing wild

She's a flower
Growing wild

She's free.......

A text message

Today was monday.

Which wasn't all the bad. I went to work, at both jobs. I decided I am quitting one of them by the end of March. Its about time for a change. I also decided to call D at his job. Both times he was either busy or not there so I left a message for him to call me back. I never got a call back. I got a text message that read:

"Jessica. I'm not avoiding you...I'm dealing with some very serious drama in my [life] right now. Sorry about Saturday. I'll [call] when I get a moment. I'm talking to cops."

WTF ever. I'd love to believe him. But I don't. It sounds like a bad lie to me. I think I need to talk to God more often and clarify what I am looking for exactly. Say something like, "please God, I need a man who doesn't lie, or at least tells believeable ones". He'd laugh. Or She. Whatever.

He could have called and delievered the same message. He could have called me from work. Hell he could have called me on Saturday. So why the text message on monday AFTER I have called your job twice? Because he didn't want me to call back. Yeah I know that game. Asshole.

I didn't reply to it. I didn't even know what to say. However "fuck you very much" sure does come to mind.

So I am thinking of heading to the NC Leather Contest next month. Anyone else?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So I was right.

He was a no show.

It's an absolutely depressing feeling. Almost the kind that makes you crumble and find the darkest corner on earth and curl up in it and hide. It's a sickening feeling. It's how I feel now.

I headed out of town for my monthly trip to the presentation and play party with the group I visit without hearing from D in 2 days. I had pretty much given up hope by then until I recieved a text message from him saying that he had to work but would be leaving after work to come and see me. Hope was restored for a while. The presentation was nice and the crowd at both that and the party was rather small. I kept checking my phone for a call from him but got nothing. I called several times and only got his voicemail. I did have one very nice Dom approach me to play but sadly my mind was elsewhere. Before leaving the party I asked Eric to come by my hotel room and spank me before bed to which he agreed. I got back to my room and after 2 hours of waiting for him I got in bed. He did eventually come but all we did was talk and I put lotion on him. I started crying and his reply to me was to just let it go. Its very hard to just say sure, I will just let it go. What sub would? But I figured he was trying his best and left it alone. Around about 4:30 am he asked if I could wake up at 9:30 to which I asked him if he was asking to spend the night. Again he asked him question and then I asked mine. Eventually I was too tired to continue and said yes. He mentioned to me about masterbating to release my tension and I immediately frowned up. But after laying in the dark realizing that I couldn't sleep I decided to try it and naturally he watched. I asked him to finger me and he didn't. He spanked my pussy a few times. It helped me to settle to sleep but I did really release like I wanted to. I got him up the next morning and he left. I layed in bed most of the morning until I talked to S. and he came over and played with me for a bit before check out. He is such a doll. Sometimes I hate that I am not more attracted to him. I wish he were more agressive, more abrasive in nature. In any case I went to the mall and walked around and came back home. I called D several times today with no response. I will give his job a ring tomorrow. Later in the evening I got a call from Eric and he made the request of me to write a letter in which I thanked him for not trying anything sexual last night and to thank him for helping me find a new Dom. The second part was to list my best qualities and what I was lookign for. I was absolutely appalled!! I had asked him to help me find a new Dom but to be required to thank him for something he should have done on his own seemed silly and contrived. Honestly I think he did it to cover his ass with his sub. I won't be a party in that game. Its there relationship, not mine. I even asked him if him staying over would bother her. He never really answered my question. As soon as I finish this I will write him a letter but not the one he had in mind. Not an angry letter, just one that explains my feelings in all of this. Or maybe I won't. Who knows. I am tired. Not a good way to start my week at all.

Another day in paradise

Days seem to pass so quickly lately.

I can't believe I am in the brink of nearly a whole month since I wrote last. I have made several attempts to sit down and write something but most nights I find myself popping online for a couple minutes to check email and then heading to bed. My online friends are starting to wonder if I have fallen off the planet. I am starting to wonder the same myself. I find my days filled with mindless hours and work and even more mindless hours in class. I am bored with my line up of classes this semester. Its rather disheartening. However, I did receive the best compliment from one of my professors last night who praised my writing skills, even when I know what I turned in was a step above dogshit. I really adore her and her support of me. I am glad that I got the opportunity to get hooked up with her. Work is still a mess. In fact I am currently searching for a new job. So if anyone knows of one, hit me up. Sadly its not the job thats killing me, its the primadonna bitches I work with. Somewhere, someone lied to these girls and told them they were cute. Its really a sad situation when I sit back and realize what the future holds for them. But then again, its not my job to save them. One less stress for me to deal with. I need a job where I don't have to deal with varying levels of estrogen all day and akward work hours that do little for my wallet. Hell, just last night a man I don't even know passed me in the hallway at school and say "Man you look tired". How sick is that? I need to make some serious changes soon. This combination of work and school is toxic.
So in my last post I talked about D missing our weekend. And I was upset for quite a while afterwards. Well I gave his job a call and he answered! (Deja vu isn't it?) He said his phone was messed up and his internet was down and he had no way of contacting me. I wasn't too willing to accept that but I do understand how a situation like that could happen. Well after a couple weeks of minimal communication I expressed to him that I wanted out. I was fully expecting him to take the out but he did quite the opposite and asked for me to be patient with him. And so I said ok. Its too early to tell if its getting better or not but we are supposed to be meeting this weekend again. I am nervous to say the least. I peeked at his myspace page and noticed he put up on his relationship status that he had met someone "VERY special". Sadly, I am not sure if he is talking about me or not. Its almost silly the situation I have put myself in. I have 2 men who leave me daily text messages and one who asked me last week why I didnt spend as much time with him anymore. Whats wrong with me? Am I being stupid or not? I want this to work. But I can't say that I am really that interested in trying as much anymore. This isn't really how I viewed a true M/s relationship. So I will wait patiently and see what the weekend holds for me.
In a light of good news, I did have the chance to speak with another black sub about this lifestyle and how I felt insecure about things at times. It was so nice to speak to someone who had so much in common and not feel like I was going to be scrutinized about it. I am looking forward to speaking to her again sometime in the future. Time passed so quickly when we were talking. I miss that...

25 Years

So here I am. I am 25 years old. A quarter of a century. I really thought I would be doing more with my life at this point. Bleh.

My birthday was friday and it was rather nice. I had lunch with April and she bought me this beautiful red corset that I am really excited about wearing to the next party. I had dessert with S. and stayed the night at his place. We didn't have sex which was probably the highlight of my evening. It was nice to curl up against a man without him wanting more. I still haven't heard from my "owner". I did get a text message on my birthday from him only after I had sent one telling him that it was my birthday. He hasn't called me. I don't think he will. He said in the message that he was sick with the flu. For some reason, I am just not buying it.