Great Use of Comp Time

It's 30 minutes to 5.

My emotions have settled down significantly since this past weekend and I am actually looking forward to the upcoming weekend. My birthday is on Saturday and all I want to do is sleep in and clean. That doesn't seem super exciting to much of anyone else but I could use the mental break and I would love to celebrate my b-day in warmer and more pleasant climates. I sent an email to G's new girl and apologized for my grumpiness but she didn't reply. Not that I really expected she would, but I said my piece and I am good to go. I feel better about sending my pictures. I am sure that I really felt bad at first. I think it was fear. But he has never given me any reason to be afraid. I think alot of "this" is fear. Sometimes I feel like I have been down this road before and I am marching toward impending doom. I'm letting my past dictate my future and I said I would stop doing that. Sometimes I am afraid of the rejection, or being let down. But like all things, this too...shall pass.

Internet is down at home so I am at work and writing, which sucks because I hope I don't get blocked but I hate not being able to write when I want to. I like working here though. The people are so nice and so friendly and helpful. I am afraid I might get spoiled. I've been thinking about my blessings lately and twice this week someone has told me that I have a tendancy to be "impatient". I don't think I am but I suppose it must be true. I was so upset with G and how he treated me this weekend that it wasn't until the other day when I realized that it wasn't a completely bad thing. I am happy he is happy and has found someone to compliment him. But maybe he was a distraction, and an excuse. I have this desire to make some huge changes in my life after graduation and if I find a reason to not make a change, I will hold on to it. As time passes I am finding that there are fewer and fewer people to hold on to. Aside from M, I'm all out of play partners. (And the crowd gasps in horror!) And of course M doesn't really count. So is this a sign? I mean I ask God for signs all the time. Perhaps I should have asked him to show the sign to me. Maybe I need a map and a sign..lol. Or maybe I need to step out on faith.

Or maybe I need to stop rambling on here and go home. It's 10 minutes to 5.

As the World Turns

So the past few weeks have been hectic and a whirlwind to say the very least. As I write this I am tired and about to pass out so I hope I don't sound too crazy.

The month started off with a phone call on the first Saturday of the month. I was getting the oil changed on my car and received a call from a private number. I thought it might be M. since we were planning to go out later that same night and his phone has a tendency to show up like that. On the other end was a woman, who calls herself Stormy who started to ask about how I knew D. I told her and after I hung up the phone , I called him and left a message on his voice mail to not have women calling my phone. Well she called back in a matter of minutes and explained that she was his fiance and that apparently he had been lying to her about somethings. I had never heard of this woman and normally would have cared less but she is vanilla and had no clues about his dealings in the lifestyle. I looked on his yahoo page and saw a note from a woman, Doll, who I messaged and asked if she had received a call as well. She said yes and we began speaking and comparing notes and had come to find that he had been cheating on alot of women for a long time. I felt, and still do, feel pretty bad for Doll. She helped him to buy his jeep and has put him up in her home. She said one day she came home to find him gathering his things and moving out. I have also come to learn that he met her when he was supposedly with me. That was when the phone calls had started to get few and far between. I looked at my old blog posts about him and just had this over whelming sense of emptiness. There is such a sadness in me because I realized that all of that was a big lie. Nothing. But I really wasn't too upset with the news. I had an idea for a while now. I spent sometime talking to Doll to try to help her through because I remember that feeling, how I felt when he disappeared on me. She kept saying how strong I was and well maybe I am. I don't feel like it though. I guess I have had more time to get over it than she has. One night D called Doll to tell her that he and Stormy broke up (Stormy and Doll met for lunch one day) and that he needed Doll to pick him up. She says she said no a couple times and then finally said yes. She said he then hung up the phone and never called back. I called Stormy to confirm my suspicions that this was all a hoax. And yeah, it was. I cussed that woman out for over an hour. Things are hard enough and playing childish high school games are unneeded. I have come to find that Stormy is a 38 year old lady and apparently very nice looking. She and D are supposed to get married in March and I will be watching the papers to see the announcement. I think she is desperate for a husband. And part of me feels sorry for her because if I know D, he won't do anything but what he has done before: lie and cheat. I pray I don't become so desperate for a man in my life that i will take whatever idiot comes my way. I can do bad all by myself.

I have started my internship and its been very nice. I am enjoying it more than I thought I would. I have a great supervisor and everyone in the office is so friendly and helpful. I met another intern and she absolutely fascinates me. She is a petite white girl from VA. She worked as a private counselor up there before pursuing her masters degree. She already owns a home and rents it out since she has moved down here. She lives in the apartment complex that I keep obsessing about. She has a scooter that she rides around town, and a nice SUV with the coolest GPS I have ever seen. She looks like my life, the way I dreamed it up. She is a little too perky for my likes but she interests me and motivates me. Its been a long time since another woman has done that.

This weekend was short and long all in the same boat. I was very excited to talk to C. and hear he and G. were coming to the meeting/play party this weekend. I was itching to play and couldn't wait. The day before they were to leave C dropped the bomb on me that G was bringing a sub with him. I said ok and left it alone. I got in town on friday night and got a hotel room in a Hilton. I was tired and really didn't feel like being around too many people. I did stop by their hotel room and sitting on the couch was his sub. I smiled and was polite and while I had nothing against her I realized my plans were shot down when she mentioned that their relationship was exclusive. I was mildly irritated at the fact that this was the same man who yelled at me about going to California and got huffy anytime I ever mentioned another man's name but sitting in front of my eyes was his sub. We all had dinner at a Japanese restaurant and headed back to the hotel. They wanted me to spend the night there but I was extremely tired from work and driving all day and I didn't really have much of a desire to being around the happy couple. I got some great sleep friday night and figured I was all set for Saturday. Wrong! I checked out of the hotel and took my things to the hotel were the trio was staying. Every so often G would tap me with a cane or a flogger, something...and I was smile and pull away. I thought he might get the point but I guess he didn't because he continued to do so until I started to get irritated. I would look at the TV and in the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me, waiting for me to talk to him. I didn't have anything to say. I figured I would get the chance to play with C. but he was busy chatting on the computer for most of the trip. I was starting to feel like a serious 3rd wheel and the more time that passed the more resentful I became. I wanted to leave and have some alone time to get my mind together but someone was always pulling me to stay with the group. O wanted me to send him nude pictures and I hate taking nude pictures. With a serious passion. I talked to him earlier in the evening and I was already frustrated with the day and I took the wrong tone with him. I didn't mean to and I felt like crap afterwards. I said "I miss you" to him before we hung up and he replied "You too". My emotions were on a downward spiral and unfortunately I couldn't blame it on PMS. I took the pictures and sent them to him but I was so upset by it I sat in the bathroom and cried. I went to the play party and it was rather dull. I saw Eric and he reached to hug me and I stiffened up. C said my body language changed around him. I just didn't want to be touched. I really needed my own space.

We went to dinner and G's girl was nice enough to pay for my dinner. I wonder if she knew or not. When we got back to the hotel I watched TV and went to bed. C and I shared a bed and I thought that giving him a bj would make me feel better and it didn't. I laid in bed for a while before I realized I was crying. I didn't mean to wake him up but I did and wanted me to talk to him and I didn't really want to talk but I did and I told him about how frustrated I was with the day. He agreed it was a bit of an insensitive thing for G to do and that he didn't mean to ignore me for the computer and without thinking I just said "It's ok". He said that it wasn't and I found that "it's ok" is my smooth over phrase. He talked about me going to school and getting my PhD but really all i want to do is live life, like normal people. I was up until about 5:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep. I had one of my little chats with God and eventually fell asleep. I got up this morning and packed up and the trio had to get going to get on the road. G gave me this breath-stopping bear hug and said "be good girl". I think it was the first time I had really smiled at him the whole weekend. Maybe he understood. Maybe he didn't. But I didn't want him to go home thinking I was mad at him. C gave me a hug and told me to be positive and given some much needed sleep I will be again. I had lunch with my best friend and recanted the story. I told me that lately she had felt like she had done nothing with her life. I feel like that somedays too. I don't see a PhD fixing that anytime soon. I got home and realized that the internet was off and so I left the house and my momma tried to apologize but I just told her that it was ok and left. So right now I am sitting in a Kinko's hammering this out before it burns a whole in my poor brain. I am so tired I drifted at a stop light on the way here. I am about to call it a night and head home and close myself up in my room until tomorrow. I think I just need some alone time to realign myself and get back to basics.

Something...

Something has been weighing on me lately. I feel preoccupied and nervous. I can really feel it in my driving and my production at work. Thing is, I don't know what it is. I don't even know if it is anything. Everything seems pretty great. Maybe I am just tired. I thought I might do some cleaning tonight but it feels like a good time to get some sleep. This is going to be an interesting weekend. I can't wait to get it started.

Too Much Too Fast

So I haven't written in a while and wow, I have so much to talk about. I hope maybe to be able to get time this weekend or the beginning of next week. I have started my internship and working an 8-5 shift is no joke. Its a good job, just not used to being on such a rigid schedule. I also have an entry I have been working on but haven't completed. It's going to be monstrous. Well I need sleep so I hope to get time to write soon.

A New Year

This new years M and I decided to go to a huge swinger party that they were having out of town. The idea of being fucked by a stranger doesn't do much for me, but we're both voyeur types and I figured he could get a blow job this time. I tried to get him one a time before and the woman was more than willing but he told me no. However in the subsequent weeks leading up to last night festivities he has been excited about the idea of playing with someone. He confuses me sometimes. We got lost on the way to the hotel but eventually made it around check in time. It's a brand new hotel and very nice on the inside. It's near the airport so next time I am flying out of that city I will have to make a note to stay there again. It was a HUGE crowd. I don't think I have ever seen that many people at a party at once. I spent most of the day battling allergies so I was full of allergy meds that tend to make me a little cloudy-minded. We went to the mall to get me a new belt and stopped by Sexy's house to drop off the torch I had gotten for her. While sitting at her house she went "Ohh you two are perfect for each other, why don't you go together?" I kinda groaned. I hate when people ask that question. It's like male and female friends have to date. It was actually a question I had asked myself some months ago but the truth is that one, he is still doing the song and dance routine over his ex, two, he isn't really in the lifestyle, which I find to be more important the older I get and three, I find that I love him very much, but I am not in love with him. And that makes a world of difference. I have often wondered how he feels about me but I believe that if that is something that he wants to talk about, he will talk about and if not, its not for me to bring it up.

We left her house and had dinner and then went back to the hotel. I was still kinda drowsy from my meds so I laid down and we both took a small nap. My friend K called later and told me she was on her way to the party as well. We got dressed when she got there and went down stairs to the party room. K and I found a seat in the corner of the room and I told M to mingle the floor and find someone for later tonight. He decided to stay with us and we had a couple drinks and listened to the music until the midnight countdown. Afterwards, we left the room and went upstairs to the hospitality suites to get pizza and drinks. There was BDSM dominatrix there and neither K or I had ever seen or heard of her before. I wasn't too impressed by her but the people in the room seemed to be. As we were getting our food, I noticed that K had been a bit wobbly and was obviously a little past drunk. I took her arm and helped her back. I got a couple smiles and hellos, random rubs as I headed back through the crowded hallway back to our room. I love to be admired but for some reason, last night it didn't do anything for me. We got back to the room and K sat on the floor and closed her eyes. I told her to go to the bathroom because I so know that look. The "I'm about to be sick on the floor" look. She stayed in there a while and a man who had come to the party with her came by the room and check in on her. He offered to take her with him but I told her to get in bed and rest a while. I didn't know the man and the idea of putting a drunk woman in the arms of a strange man didn't sit well with me. Plus she was way too out of it to drive herself home. I apologized to M for my drowsy state and for the fact that a third of the bed was being occupied by a drunk and passed out woman. He said it was ok and I told him i would make it up to him. I asked him if he wanted me to go out and find him someone to play with and he gave me a "well I guess I mean if you want to" kind of answer. I got a little irritated by the answer because sometimes I have no idea what he wants. I know he wanted to have sex so I gave him a blowjob and played with him a bit. He wanted pulling on my nipples and rubbing my body roughly until I stopped him. I guess normally I usually put up with it but this time I took his hand and told him not to be so rough and not to rush. Its not a race. Aggressive sex is nice, I really enjoy it but last night there was no build up. It was painful. M left the bed around 4 am saying that he was restless. I told him to have a good time and come back and tell me about it and then rolled over. He got back in bed sometime later saying that there wasn't anything going on. K was so out of it I don't think she heard anything but left sometime at the crack of dawn this morning and sent us several text messages saying thank you. She informed me that she had taken anti-depressants and hadn't eaten anything before drinking so much. I think the mix of alcohol and allergy meds took their own toll on me because I woke up this morning with my abs feeling like someone had kicked me in them. Come to find out, I had been laughing in my sleep. Weird.

The hotel didn't have any power this morning so I rolled back over and went to sleep, deciding there was no point in getting up and getting ready to leave if there was no hot water to shower or light to get dressed by. The power was back on around 11:30 and I got up and sat on M's lap and told him thank you for being so kind and letting K sleep over. I know that wasn't at all in his plans for new years but I couldn't bare to let her out on the street in that state. We got into a conversation later about saying whats on your mind. I told him I needed for him to tell me what was on his mind more in the future. It is hard for me to know what to do when he won't vocalize it to me. I also asked him why he didn't find someone to play with last night and he said he was afraid of the consequences. I told him that there were consequences to everything, both good and bad and that being afraid of consequences would keep him in his "rut" that he always talks about. I didn't really realize until this weekend how bankrupt his ex left him, financially and emotionally. Sometimes I do get bored with listening to the stories about her but I let him talk because, that's how he is healing and working through it. He told me he had been in anger management, which was a surprise because I have never known him to be angry man. So if talking is how he processes the anger, I feel the least I can do is listen. She also left him with thousands of dollars in bills. Personally I would take her to court but he feels he can work through it so I support him in that too. I feel that maybe she has taken a couple of punches to his self-esteem but I have confidence that he will be ok. It seems like forever but I just realized, it hasn't even been a year yet since the split. He commented that he had "bad luck" with parties and I asked him to explain and he said that the last BDSM party was a bust (which it was) and that this one didn't go quite like he had planned. I felt really bad and apologized again and he said it was ok and that he was happy to get out and not have to work (he works 2 jobs). I took him by the hand and said "Rome wasn't built in a day". He looked at me and laughed and I smiled and told him I was serious. It's only been a couple parties and as time goes on a couple turns to a couple dozen and a couple hundred. I told him to not feel like he had to do everything today. Maybe at the next party he will finally chat a girl up. I remember going to my first lifestyle party. LOL I wore jeans and a sweater and huddled in the kitchen like a frightened child. My first party was a definite bust. I cried and begged my ex to take me home. Nope, Rome was definitely not built in a day. LOL

But I am still more than grateful that he allowed part of his new years to be spent watching over someone else. Alot of men...boys...wouldn't have done that. So I plan to make it up to him somehow. Just haven't come up with a good idea yet. But overall I really had a good new years. I spent time with a good friend and had a good time and got to sleep. You really can't ask for much more than that.