I haven't had time to miss you

So I finally took my counselor exam this weekend! YAY I am almost to the finish line. I should be in bed. I have my last week at my internship this week and man am I tired but I am going to miss my co-workers sooo much.

This weekend I have gotten a few messages from men who have made guest appearances in my life, most notably, A. I was shocked to get a message from him on my YIM and tried to be as brief as possible with him when answering his questions. Finally I asked why he was messaging me and he said that he missed me and was curious about my well-being. My response to him was "ohh". I have made it point to not tell people that I haven't missed that I miss them. Honestly I am too busy and too tired to miss them and in most cases, they have dumped so much shit in my life that I have been a better person for having them disappear. But of course as I start to make my exit out of one part of my life and entrance into another, the guests make their reappearance. Momma said that they always come back and yes they most certainly do. So I need to make sure that they get the hint they are no longer wanted or needed in my life. Or just come out and tell them directly. But I am nice... (insert smirk here)

I love........you?

"I love you" is one of those phrases that I rarely use. I probably should say it more often but I find it uncomfortable and I find other ways to express my emotions to people. I only recently told my best friend I loved her and we have been together 15 years (a lovely dysfunctional marriage..lol). But recently I do feel the need to be more open and affectionate. I have been friends with M for nearly 7 years now and while our relationship has had some downs...deep in the bottomless pit downs, the last year has been one huge up. I enjoy the time we spend together and I enjoy the ability to be me around him without any hang ups. His interest in the lifestyle have made going to events the past year really enjoyable. And most importantly he has not tried to tie me down in anyway and for that, I truly adore him. Before he met his ex fiance' I had hopes of being his girl but after she came into the picture those feelings were put aside. Since I have been preparing for my big move people have asked me "What about M?", "What does he say?", "Are you just going to leave him?". And the more people asked, the more I have become concerned. He was the first person to tell me to get my butt on a plane and go to Cali. I would think he is ok with it. He hasn't said anything to the contrary. Needless to say it was starting to bother me so I asked him how he felt and he said he was happy for me getting out and living my life. I was satisfied with that until one day someone asked me if I loved him. "Of course I do!" I answered. Wow...did I say that? I had to take a step back. So I decided to bring it up to him. I told him that I loved him and he asked if it was as a friend or more. I told him both and yet neither. The truth is, I do love him. Very much. I love him for being a good friend, for supporting me in my BDSM journey, for allowing me to have his shoulder to cry on and for pushing me when I was ready to give in. But I also love him enough to know that I couldn't be for him what he needs to be. My friends find it appalling that I try to introduce him to other women. Maybe its a selfish thing. Part of me likes knowing that he will be ok when I am gone. His reply to me was that he loved me too. I was personally relieved that our feelings were mutual as a couple friends had put the seeds in my mind that he may care for me in a more intimate way. And of course, silly me, knowing that we are of one mind, just loves him even more for it. Sometimes you just can't ask for more perfect events in life.

Suicidal butterflies and other quirks to living

My weekend started on friday...as weekends usually do with me speeding out of the parking lot to get to the car wash to wash my car before I got on the highway. I looove washing my car when its bright and sunny and friday was the perfect day to do it. I only had limited quarters so I had to vacuum the car fast so I could get it all done on 75 cents. Once I finished I looked up and happened to see a car had pulled into the car wash bay ahead of me. I walked around to the front of the car and stared down the man and the woman who were hurrying around the car to wash it. I try so hard to be understanding of people who come into the country illegally but lately I am ready to say "put em on a bus and send em back!" They wouldn't make eye contact with me and I rolled my eyes and left. I got on the highway and it felt like it only took me 20 minutes to get where I was going. Time seemed to pass slowly on friday, and in my favor! I got to my hotel and they lady said that she couldn't take my business card for the business rate (WTF?!) so I promptly took up my bag and told her I would go where somewhere else that would like my "business". I went to another hotel where the girl said that they had to take a $150 deposit on the room. Sad thing is that this was hardly a luxury hotel. I called my best friend and asked her for the number to a hotel we normally frequent and I went there...they took my business rate and with no holds or deposits. I was glad to just sit down. I went out later for dinner and sat in my room and watched TV and ate eggrolls. Bliss....

The next morning I got a call from the lady who runs our group and I just stared at the phone and rolled over. Ohhh no. Not again. I am always the "helper" girl. I wonder who will take my place when I leave. The tragedy of being around so many Dommes. I got to the venue and walked around the house, being my always smiley self. I loooove the house we use. Its beautiful and large and screams of the south with its large back porch and fireplace. I did end up doing my usual helper girl activities as usual. Part of it was guilt, part of it was not being able to find someone else to pawn it off on. We had an electric demo and I decided that today would be the day that I would get naked and zapped. I was nervous at the thought of being naked in front of everyone but once I was on the table and had a few zaps of electricity going through me I kinda forgot anyone else was there. Someone asked me a question and I started to answer it and then said "huh?". One of the Dommes in the group said "Dont ask that girl any questions, she doesn't even know her name" LOL Then another girl joined me on the table and I was hooked up to this contraption that is like a TENS unit but alot stronger. It could pulsate to the sound of music. Some songs were more torturous than others. In hindsight I am mildly mortified at the thought that my legs were wide open in front of the group. Could I be a shy exhibitionist? Who knows... There were some photographers who came and asked to take pictures of me on the table but I declined. I didn't really know them and I had no idea where my pictures were going. They took pictures of other couples and I would have taken one but I was just in jeans and a shirt. Which would have made for a very cute school pic but not for this. One of the photographers was a cute round faced girl. She had dyed her hair red and had this cute shade of red lipstick on. I introduced myself and come to find out we not only have the same first name but our nicknames are similar. She said she was called "splenda cake" because she is diabetic. Love it! She was just a doll. She probably wondered why I looked at her so much, but she was too cute not to. I watched a beautiful collaring ceremony and had to hold myself back to not cry. It was the first one I had ever seen. One friend complained that the Mistress was too rough on her girl but the girl was obviously very happy. Who are we to say what is and is not good for her? There was a guy there who kept staring me down until he finally spoke up and said I looked familiar. I hadn't seen him before and I tried to name as many places as he might have seen me but we couldn't make a match. I couldn't tell if it was something he was really thinking or just a come on line. He left early and I was kinda bummed. I wanted to play. I went back to the hotel room and got my clothes to go to a party downtown. I got back and changed and modeled off my outfit. Ok so I got some minor exhibitionist tendencies. I went down town and got lost at first but when I pulled up to the part my face dropped. It looked like a bunch of gothed out teens. This wasn't the party I had thought it was going to be. I decided to save my money and head back to the hotel room. I had eggrolls again and went to bed.

I woke up this morning and started flipping the TV and started watching Joel Osteen. Man! I see why people go to his shows. I love his preaching style. He was telling the story of Ruth and saying how if we keep doing good, blessings that we might not even deserve will come our way. And he is so right. I have had so many blessings lately and all because I have learned to just keep doing me. It was a great way to wake up. I got all packed up and got in the car and drove home. It was a pretty day today. As I was driving a butterfly suicided on my windshield. I have no idea why but in my mind I went "OMG, a butterfly just suicided on my windshield!" Why did that stick out in my head...no clue but I guess its just one of those quirks to living. Or dying...

Countdown to graduation: 27 days.....


PS. To the person who keeps "researching" me on yahoo and google (yes I know when someone looks me up on the internet), be nice and at least say hello :)

Dark Days and Bright Nights

To describe what my life is like lately would be CHAOTIC!!!

Here it is, the last 30-some days before graduation. I figured that by this point in the semester I should be happy and bubbly and excited. And well I am! But I am also panicked and brimming with anxiety. I have had more mini-anxiety attacks in the last month than I have had in the last couple of years. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I am hoping to make it in bed before 11:30 pm. Inevitably I will find something else to work on, do, pull out, etc. My mind is constantly thinking, and going, trying to keep up with the next great thought. Yesterday while speaking on the phone with the lady from the job interview in California, she expressed her desire to hire me and wait as long as would be necessary for me to move out there. I was in a bit of shock. I knew she liked me but a formal offer?! I was about ecstatic and at the same time, scared shitless. I don't have an excuse now. I feel so torn. Its so easy to see what I will miss when I leave here but not so easy to see what I may or may not be gaining. The long look on my daddy's face and my brother's quiver voice are almost enough to make me want to call the lady up and say "Thanks, but no thanks". I almost feel like crying. Not because I am sad but rather because I feel like it might relieve some tension in my mind. The scariest part is the move. Seeing if I am able to afford the moving costs and the costs of finding an apartment, getting utilities turned on, etc. But I am most certainly a survivor and know I will make do. I'll be ok and I know that much in my heart, I just need to believe it.