The truth is...

...I am going bald.

I have been losing hair at the top of my head for the past couple of years and it seems like no matter what I do, I can't fix it. I can't help my hair grow back. And as this realization starts to settle in I am starting to wonder if my future is going to be filled with weaves and wigs as I slowly start losing all of my hair. It seems unfair that it would happen to me. I have never had much hair to start with and now that I am FINALLY getting it together, it all wants to fall out. I thought going natural would help but I am not as confident anymore. So back to the dermatologist I go. And pray that even a little bit will come back. Just a bit.

No more pomp, only circumstance

This is a post I put up on my Yahoo 360 page on May 14, 2008. I am adding it here because yahoo is unpredictable and I am afraid they might lose it.

Tonight I cut a piece off of what is left of my graduation cake, the red table cloth that lined the table was missing today. The "congrats" banner was gone and the cap and gown that hung immaculately from my bedroom door to keep it from being wrinkled is now in a ball on my living room chair. It was as if in a moment I realized that the day, the one day that culminated 2 years, 5 semesters and over $20,000 in scholarships and loans, was over. There's no more songs of praise, no more anticipation, no more parties and galas. My academic career is officially over. And while I am very happy to be able to pronounce those words to the world a part of me feels...dead. I have been in school, non stop since I was 4 years old. I have been a student my entire life. Now 72 hours later, I find that a part of my identity died the moment I walked across the stage with my brand new diploma cover. It's a shock to my system and I feel like I should mourn. I feel the need to return to school. Not really because I want to or need to but simply because it is comfortable and familiar. I have always been behind a desk and while I still am the person on the other side is certainly not a teacher. They are not the authority, I am. The shiny new frame that will adorn my office walls will declare me an authority or at least knowledgeable enough to find one. And honestly when you dwell on that fact that in a matter of hours I have gone from being a student to a teacher, its quite mind-blowing. Add to that the fact that I am about to embark on a new life and career in a place I am unfamiliar with. How easy it would be to stay here, go back to school and finish my doctorate and be close to family. How easy would that be? How comfortable would that be? Perfectly so. But more than the unfamiliarity, more than the discomfort, more than the lamination of the death of my role as a "student" is the fear of being complacent and routine. I fear boredom. I fear being mediocre. I fear being a number, a face, a person in the crowd. I never want to be the after-thought. I regularly force myself to go out and do more and be more. I forced myself to continue my education, to take an internship out of town, to step out into a lifestyle on my own with no vanilla friends to walk with me and everyday I thank God for my opportunities because I believe they have made me a better person and a more well-rounded human being. And while I am hardly a religious woman I find that lately I cling tighter to my faith than ever before. I let the Father guide me and I go where He leads. I am about as lost and confused as my clients but I am ok. I come from a good family and I am blessed to have my health, mentally and physically. So tonight I will mourn my former role and reminder like with any death, to carry only the good memories with me and luckily I have plenty.

Tomorrow is truly the first day of the rest of my life.

1 am mental musings

Wow I have really got to get back into the habit of writing more often. Nothing much has changed. I am still working my temp job and quickly growing impatient with my new job. Unfortunately my new boss seems frazzled and disorganized. A letter is what is keeping me from my move and each day he doesn't "receive it" I become more and more irritated. In fact so irritated to the point that if I don't hear something soon I am going to accept another offer. I am also irritated with my lawyer who does not return phone calls and is taking an unreasonably long time to settle my personal injury case. Friday was a productive day for me but I was highly irritated with the number of calls I got from people who were having mini-crises due to the up coming holiday. I ended up leaving early because the more they went on the more I wanted to tell them to get off their asses and stop using their conditions as a crutch. Add to that daddy's car is broke and I feel like all of a sudden I am obligated to give up my free time to ride my brother around town. Then today when I ask for gas money he looks to me and says "Are you serious?" At $3.89 a gallon I am as serious as a damn heart attack. Then when I asked momma to do the driving today because I was tired she goes "I know what you mean" I just looked at her and laughed and asked if she was seriously trying to compare the driving she does in a week (1 mile to work) to what I do in a week (80 miles round trip). She amazes me sometimes with her need to be the person in the worst shape. It's a running joke in our family now. No matter how bad your situation is, she is will try to one up you and make hers worst. I kinda want some quiet time. I went to M's house last night while he was at work and watched TV and took a nap. I really appreciate it when he lets me stay in the house. I miss my solitude so much at times. I really just want to go and spend some time with him and watch TV and maybe get a pizza. I don't want to do the dinner and a movie thing like we usually do. I just wanna curl up on the sofa and be a bum.

As time has been passing I have been becoming more and more anxious about my move. Some days I move to the point of wanting to back out. O said that he wants me to settle in first before he brings me into the relationship. I think that is a very sweet and responsible move. Yet part of me is worried, like he might not be really sure about me. It's hard to get to know me and I am sure for the girls its even harder. But I am going to jump out there and try. Fear and worry have a way of finding their way into my thoughts and dreams. I had a dream I moved and got dumped pretty much within days of getting there. But I know all it is is the past sneaking up and trying to get me. I have to learn to block the negative thoughts. I have to learn that I am not going to let fear stop me. I believe in myself more now than I have in years so no need to waste all of that on unfunded doubts. Everyday I try and everyday I have succeeded.

I just found out that my daddy joined a church. I was pretty amazed by the news but extremely proud of him. It might not be the popular move with the family but he is doing what he needs to do to be ok with himself, with or without us. To me, that is a huge move and an inspiring one. Truth be told, when I move I will miss him and my best friend the move. He inspires me everyday to be do and be great things. I wish everyone could be so lucky.

The Graduate Speaks

So its been over 72 hours since my graduation and I now have earned the right to put M.S. behind my name. I felt so proud when I did my email signature today and added those 2 glorious letters behind my name. I am nervous about flying solo in my career but as I was working today I had a moment where I looked at my computer and my office and the amazing amount of work I had accomplished in my day and said to myself "Ha. I am the shit". I am so nervous, the reality of moving across the country is starting to really hit me. The idea that I will be out and about on my own in a very terrifying thought. However it's something I have been talking about for years. Finally after years of college I have time to do my own studying...studying myself. It feels like I should have more homework somewhere. I feel like something else should be in my way. But the truth, there is nothing. The only thing that limits me is money and the more I concentrate the more I find ways to save a dime and earn a dollar. Gosh I had so much to write but the truth is I am uber tired. I really got to get back into writing more and getting back to my roots. I will I promise. I got time now. Wow, imagine that... time.... What a concept.