Is my living in vain?

"Is my living in vain?
Is my giving in vain?
Is my singing in vain?
Is my praying in vain?

No, of course not.

It's not all in vain,
Because up the road is eternal gain."

One more day and I will be on a plane headed back to my home state. I never thought there would be a day when I would be so happy to head back to NC.

The last couple of days have been better. Still there are times when I see, hear or think something that causes my eyes to water but I have not shed full on tears in nearly 5 days. I suppose its better than nothing.

I have felt remarkably better since the day I had my talk with him. He used that counselor voice that I used to despise in college yet it did calm me. I felt safe there, talking to him and voicing my thoughts, opinions and feelings without the fear of being barked at. It was a nice change. And once I was done I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. He said that this journey I have been on has truly been unorthodox and that I am justified in my feelings of hurt, disappointment and sadness. And you know, that's all I really wanted. I just wanted someone to validate my feelings and not discount them as mindless female rantings. I must admit there is a twinge of fear in this comfort with this man. I wanted to be close to him. He reminded me of my old professor from college. And even for a moment I wanted to have sex with him. Not that he is a sexy person but rather there was an intimate closeness in this therapy session that has been missing from my life for some time now. I didn't want to be like those clients who call their therapist constantly looking for validation in their life but I admit there is some excitement in seeing him. I just want to sit at his feet....

I am so busy between apartment hunting and packing for my trip that my mind feels like at any time it might blow! I can't wait to get to my hotel and just lay on the bed and chat with my very best friend in the world. I can't wait to see my parents again. And my brothers...and aunts! And of course my dog and cat. I can't wait to see my guys again. I can't wait to be around my "gays". I can't wait to see old friends who would have me recant stories of "white girl Katie" from college or the days when we all met back in middle school. I can't wait to be in a place where being me, is ok.

I can't wait to be happy again....

Alone

So another day in this wretched saga and I am trying to go for 3 nights in a row without crying. However I find it doubtful. I am alone. I feel alone. My only real solace is clacking away at my keyboard on this blog. No one really speaks to me much anymore. Sometimes they don't even look at me. I crawled into his bed this morning. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me and after an hour of rubbing and caressing him I crawled out of his bed, rejected. "Do you think we should be doing this?" He asked. "I don't know" was my reply. I guess the answer was no. I walked into the situation with the knowledge that this might happen. I was hoping for the best. Silly me...still hoping for good things. My camping trip with Sunshine is cancelled. They need time to work on their relationship. And while I cannot be mad and blame her in the least, I felt like for a second my last lifeline was pulled away. I am strongly trying to avoid being on the rebound and jumping up to find a replacement but I am so lonely and alone. I have a ton of phone numbers from people telling me to call them but I have nothing to say. I don't want to discuss our relationship with others. It wouldn't be right I suppose.

I went to a yoga class today and while a couple things were almost damn near impossible, it was quite a fun experience. The time really passed quickly and once I was done I did have a real sense of accomplishment. I am actually looking forward to going back again.

I really wish I had someone to call. I think this might be an Advil PM night.

Motherless Child

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. A long, long way from home..."

The days seem to simultaneously get easier and harder. I feel safe at work, despite the frustration of being around people who seem upset that I have found a better paying job. However, I almost hate to go home. I find myself packing my evenings with as many activities as possible in order to keep from coming straight home. I have decided to put on my brave face and deal with things as they may. Last night was the first night I didn't cry in over a week. Last night I sat in the bed beside him while he held his stomach from eating something that didn't agree with him. I should have left him alone to wallow in the pain but I didn't. I rubbed his back. I tried to make him feel better. I felt foolish again. He wasn't there to rub my back when I cried. Perhaps that's what makes us different. I am still here, still trying. And while I truthfully want to hate myself for it, I can't because its one of the parts of me that I still find redeemable and worthwhile during this whole debacle. I have felt a huge blow to my self esteem and its one I can honestly say I have never really experienced. I feel like I have been a poison in his life. He looks me in the eyes and says that he is hurting. And all I do is think, "How much must it hurt if it hurts more to have me than to let me go?" I am not sure what my future here in California looks like but its a scary one. I still desire him. I still want to be his and to be owned by him. However I am keenly aware of whats happened. We looked at horoscopes to day and he jokingly said "Let me see who I am going to get to replace you". His words cut deep but I kept my brave girl smile on my face. I figured the argument wasn't worth it for me anymore. I have gotten several emails from people in the community asking about my well being and I must admit, I am floored! It means the world to me that someone would care to ask about my well being. I was checking a bdsm website I frequent and saw an eloquent post he made in regard to this collar he made the the Domme in his family. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy. I wondered why he never made such proclamations to me. I try not to dwell on these things but unfortunately I have too much time to think these days. I have been questioning my submission. I have been questioning my attractiveness. I have been questioning my worth. Its a hard, hard time for me and one that I am certain of will change my life permanently. I am trying to focus on the positives that are coming. I have a great job lined up, I am moving in to a new place and I am trying to get myself in a better place, mentally and physically. I wonder if anyone will want me after this. I wonder if they will look at me and think "If she couldn't work with them, what good would she be to me?" I thank God everyday for sunshine. She was my champion and spoke up for me when I couldn't speak up for myself. How do you repay friendship like that? I don't know but I will be doing it for a long time and with great pleasure. Part me of keeps thinking...hoping...he will change his mind but my observations (which may be a bit skewed) show me he has moved on, ready to find my "replacement". But I am strong. At least I like to think I am. At least I used to be. I hate that I wasn't more open and honest with my feelings. I hate that it took me so long to get over my homesickness and fears. But I am sure there is a plan in all of this. I am sure its a better place for me to be someday, some where.

But in the mean time, I paint my big girl face on and keep trudging toward a better day...
a better place....
somewhere where I belong...
a home....

Endings and Beginnings

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning" -Winston Churchill

So nearly 6 months after this short but intense tale began, it has just as intensely ended. So here I am, back to my writings. The past week has not been an easy one for me in the least. I have cried everyday and much to my own dismay, contemplated suicide, to the point of forming a plan, twice. I am at home alone and they are gone to to the BDSM activities I so desperately wish to join them in but I am ashamed. I am ashamed for others to see me collarless once again. Perhaps I am truly a horrible submissive. I even wonder if I am really a dominant and I just want to be submissive. In any case, my relationship is over and I am hurting above and beyond what I am used to. I am praying that this all gets better in time. It has to. I don't suppose I really have a choice. I am having trouble with understanding why this is happening. I am having trouble with being happy knowing that all that I know of this new place is about to be pulled from under me. I am having trouble with looking him in the face and offering him a smile when the only thing I want to do is cry. I hate that I have cried every night for the past week and even more so that I know that within the next few weeks it will not be much different. At this point I am pretty much rambling. I haven't had many coherent thoughts in a while and truth be told if I had one, I would probably be confused by it. (now that kinda makes me smile). I am going to add more to this later...when I get my thoughts together.