Becoming...

Today was a normal saturday I suppose.

My parents took a small trip out of town, so I took my brother to work this afternoon. Afterwards I swung by April's house but no one answered the phone so I went to see my aunts. I came home after my mother called needing the car. I was a little irritated with her because she kept repeating the things she needed to do. As I sat at the computer this evening, I began to sulk. I thought about the great time I could have been having this weekend with Eric. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of making plans on someone else's plans. I am little upset with myself. I should know better by now but I put more faith in people than I should sometimes. But that isn't really the part that bothers me the most. What bothers me is that I am becoming the type of woman I dispise. I am starting to care for Eric. It makes me want to throw things. The last thing I want is to fall for another man and end up on the recieving end of bullshit. Not saying he would do that, but my track record with men is pretty crappy. I am sitting here upset because I cannot be with him this weekend and I am even looking for weekends where I can see him. I don't want to become the kind of woman who fawns after a man. I don't want to be the jealous type.

I am afraid that I already am.

Fear Factor

Well the best way to start this post is to say that yes, yes I survived last week without a scratch or a scrape. I am now a certified licensed driver in North Carolina! The funny part is that I think other people were more excited for me than I was. It still hasn't set in on me. I even drove myself to work yesterday without much thought. It's alot more enjoyable when you drive yourself though. I also had my interviews and had a good feeling from both of them. I am hoping to hear some good replies this week.

The past week I have been really pressuring Eric to have a talk about the nature of our relationship and my training. Twice he has missed our scheduled talk but last night we had it, or rather the begining of it. I need to know where things are going. I am afraid that I will end up in another dead end relationship. Nothing is more depressing than when you become invested in someone only to learn that they have no intentions on making a return on your investment. Once I read a quote on a submissive's profile that says "Don't make anyone a priority for you when you are just an option for them". I love that quote. It personifies every relationship I have had since I started college. So we talked. We talked about his likes and dislikes. However I must be honest, I wasn't has into the conversation as I would have liked to have been. I was irritated with him for putting me off for so long. I suppose what I need to know from him is that when I need him he will be there. I don't want to ask because of course he will say yes. What rational thinking human wouldn't? But I want to hear it from because he wants to say it. I am insecure about these things. Not that don't have my reasons. I know I am not the most agreeable submissive. I think sometimes that it scares men off. I can be submissive, I am submissive. But it takes time for me to warm up and know that it is ok for me to let go and give over my trust. It takes me time to see that the person I am with isn't going to use my submissive nature against me. When I first met him, I remember telling him that I was afraid of him. He laughed and asked why. I don't remember if I even answered him or not. I am afraid of him because he strikes a nerve in me that hasn't been touched in well...many many years. He makes my stomach knot, he makes my face flush. In essence with only a few words he can reduce me to a whimpering slut and I enjoy every minute of it. The first night we went to the club I felt that way when he was dancing with me. When I push, he pushes back. That excites me! That scares me. I have always wanted to be in such a deep submission to a man that I can't help but comply but what if he takes advantage of that? What if he hurts me? This is a scary place to be. I have decided to no longer look for another Dom and rather focus on him. I don't really want him to be with another sub but I am not sure if at this point that is something I can honestly ask for. I am waiting on the right opportunity to ask him about that. I don't want my request to scare him off or make him think I am possessive. He prefers to talk about things like that on the phone or in person and I don't blame him. However, I find that I tend to stutter and jumble words when I am put on the spot without a delete key.

I may go and see him this upcoming weekend. I am not sure yet. Depends on how things go with April and her girlfriend. Yeah they are fighting. Again.

Heroes

So today begins one helluva busy week!

Yesterday was Mother's Day and unfortunately I only had enough money for a card until I can get Momma a gift on saturday (I get paid on Friday). I ordered her some shoes from Avon so I have to get them then. My brothers on the other hand didn't get her a thing. Shocked? Neither was I. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but I am not. I didn't go to work until 2 on sunday so I asked my momma to go driving with my on sunday so I could practice a few things before I went to the DMV on monday. That was a horrible idea. I didn't go 5 miles from my house before I had to stop in a parking lot and cry. Everything I did was wrong. And worst of all I could see her damn foot pumping an imaginary brake on the passengers side. I got so upset that I had decided I wouldn't even go to the DMV today. I gave April a call and was in tears. She told me that she thought I was the most persistent person she had ever met and said I was her hero. I had to laugh because lately, the last thing I feel like is anyone's hero. It feels like the world is piling up and I can't shovel fast enough.

Later last night I was getting ready for bed and my brother busted into my room looking for a shirt to wear to school tomorrow with my Alma Mater on it (which happens to be the same school he will be attending in the fall). Needless to say I was pissed that he would wait so late to ask me for it but then he bitched about my shirts being too short. Duh. I am a girl and I like my shirts to hit me at my waist, not my knees. So as I was looking for the shirt I asked him what would he have done if I had gone to another college. He just laughed and said, "I would probably just go there then". My momma claims he wants to be just like his "big sis" and that I should help him transition in to college. Personally I believe in the sink or swim theory but I feel that older sibling instinct kick in from time to time so I feel obligated to help him. Just a bit mind you. Sink or swim, ladies and gentlemen. That's all college is about.

So today is Monday and I spent 3 and a half hours at the DMV. How ridiculous is that?! I live in one of the biggest cities in NC and it took me 3 and a half hours to get through. I am so glad I was off work today. Fortunately, the wait was worth it because now I am a licensed driver. I had the nicest examiner. The lady basically told me everything to do, point for point. My goal was to go in with a pleasant attitude and hope to get the same in return and I did! My brother walked around all day with the pouty mouth and asked me a million and one questions. I don't feel like a licensed driver. It hasn't kicked in yet. I guess I am so focused on these 2 interviews this week to get too excited. I have one interview with a job and another one with the grad program that I want to enter in the fall. I am praying that they go as well as today went.

I have started saying my prayers again. I am at a point in my life where I am ready to take off but I feel like I still need some guidance. I feel like I need my own hero. I need someone to look up to and lean on. Even if God doesn't hear my prayers its good for me to hear them myself. I need to hear myself think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. I have so many, so fast that sometimes I don't know what to do with it all.

Yesterday I sent an email to a Domme friend of Eric's and her reply nearly startled me. She was so nice and said that she had heard great things about me. He had told her about me before I sent the email. I was really shocked to hear that because I didn't think he thought of me as being the kind of person worth mentioning. I guess I was really wrong. A good wrong. She said he spoke highly of me and that he was a good catch. With words like that, I am thinking she is right.

Favorite Erotic Tales

I am not a big fan of porn. It's ok but for some reason it doesn't really turn me on or excite me. However, stories do. I like them because I can make pictures in my mind and sometimes put myself in the story. So here are a couple of my favorites:

Extra Credit by Jazzyhoe
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78359
I have a teacher fetish. I guess it has something to do with them being authority figures. I had a professor in college that I was convinced wanted to bend me over his desk.

The Layover by coffee
http://www.darkconnections.com/stories/stories15.htm
I love this story because it speaks to one of my more personal fetishes and there is something a bit unusual that the girl does at the end that I do as well. Bet you are curious now... (Dark Connections is a great site by the way)

On the verge of change

So I finally have the time and most importantly the energy to get a post up. I guess I will start with last weekend first.

So last weekend was April's girlfriend's college graduation. So we had decided weeks ago that since Eric's house was close to her g/f's house I could stay there and she could stay with her. However, things didn't work out that way and April got a hotel which was nearly 20-30 mins away from both Eric and her g/f. A couple days before we were supposed to leave she asked me if I could ask Eric to pick me up from her hotel and I got slightly irritated but I asked him anyway to which he replied, no. (He doesn't have a car. Not sure if I have covered that before) So she took me to his place and unfortunately it was storming bad that night and the whole time she continued on about how much she didn't like him. Part of me really wanted to tell her "Ok, I got that". I have to admit, it is getting a bit old. So I slept over at his house. The first night was nice. I slept in the bed alone because his back was hurting and it was too soft for him. Sex with him is still wonderful. In fact, on sunday I was laying on the floor with my head in his lap when he started playing with my nipples through my clothes. After a while his hand had trailed down my stomach to my jeans and was teasing my clit. As time went on his touches got rougher...his pinches were harder and he even started slapping my breasts. I had the biggest orgasm in my life. All I remember doing is screaming and panting. He said later he was afraid I might go into shock from the way I was screaming and shaking. Truth be told, so was I. Ohh the day of the graduation he even ironed my clothes and helped me dress. Commented on how cute my panties were too! I got a nice quick spanking before I was out the door. He seemed more attentive to me this weekend. I really enjoyed that.

I find something enjoyable about his presence, even when he is bitching at me about some worldly matter that I could careless about. However there is always something there, something that makes him just a bit of mystery. I feel like he is reluctant to get to close to anyone or but any trust in them. Lately I feel pangs of jealousy creeping in. That maybe he could find interest in another woman. I have been trying to disregard them. The last thing I want to do is get close to another man who doesn't have MY best interest at heart. I also think that April's proclaimations about not liking him have started to affect me as well. Then again, it could all just be PMS. I don't really want to be close to him. I am still afraid that the things I read online could be true. But I also see a man who is trying, and I never want to punish someone for past mistakes. God knows I have made my mistakes. I wouldn't want anyone to use them against me. Especially at time where I am trying to get my life off to the great jump start.

So my next planned trip to see him in Memorial Day weekend. I am not fully sure how that will go or if I will go at all. I told him I would not be visiting if he didn't have a car. Not that there is anything wrong with not having it but we are going to a function and the last thing I want to do is do like last time and have to ask people for rides to go home. When I am tired and ready to leave, I mean it. These functions can take a lot out of person, especially one like myself who is so new and feels like I am going into sensory overload.

As for things on the more domestic side, they have been stressful. One day my brother and I got into an argument which ended with him turning into a complete asshole, like normal. My daddy came home and argued about how there was no peace in the home. I pointed out to him that we had peace until my brother was allowed to move back in. Then my daddy started to comment on how we needed to take more responsibility and how he wasn't going to be taking us to work anymore on weekdays. I didn't see this issue, considering I have been riding the bus to work since I have been home from school. So he said if anyone couldn't deal with the changes, they had to move out. I want to move out. I would love to move out. His comment only angered me and I went out the next day to look for a new job. I got a call back from a job I was referred to by a friend and I have an interview there next week. Only draw back is that I told him I had a driver's license, which I do not. I am going to go on monday and take the test to hopefully get it. I also have an interview next week for graduate school. I really hope this week goes by smoothly. I really need this job and I really need to get back into school. I need all the help I can get. I feel like sometimes if my parents would just help me out, I could be out of their house and hair within a few months but sometimes they act like the little bit of help I ask for is too much. At least I am not asking for bail money like my brother has. What doesn't kill you I suppose...

So next week is a pivotal week. A lot can change in my life by Saturday. I can finally have a fulltime job, a driver's license and be admitted to grad school. I am praying that God can help me out. All I need is just one big break and I can take it from there. If anyone is reading this, pray for me too.

Lovers and Friends

I have just gotten out of the tub. I am scrubbed, washed and shaved to perfection. This time tomorrow night I will be in his bed. Well mostly likely in the middle of his floor. That has become a comforting thought lately. I am looking forward to the time with him. However, in the back of my mind there is a little worry and doubt. I wish I could put my finger on it, but for some reason April doesn't care much for Eric. I am not sure if it is a genuine feeling of worry for my well-being or if it is knowing he is dominant or if she feels I am spending less time with her and more time with him, or even a mix of all 3. I know she isn't easy with me being in this lifestyle. She doesn't understand it and I suppose I never expected her to. It's confusing for even myself at times. However, I can say for the first time, that I am content. He doesn't much of me. He doesn't ask to be exclusive, he doesn't make ridiculous demands of me or put me in situations that are dangerous or uncomfortable. I still have my doubts about him and his past but if I take the man, as he is, I am content. I wish I could explain that to her and squelch her worries but I know it won't. I guess I would feel the same way if the roles were flopped. Saturday is her girlfriend's graduation. I am interested to see how the family will react to us. I am not sure they know that she is a lesbian. However, I find it hard to believe that fact isn't obvious at first glance. Then again, I have seen her girlfriend in a dress. She cleans up nicely.

Tomorrow evening I plan to give Eric a bubble bath. I think it would be nice to show him a quieter side to myself. The side who enjoys serving and attending and seeing to his desires. My success with his command to not touch myself as baffled him. So much so, that he doesn't believe I have been that good. LOL I told him I could actually follow a command with minimal whining and bitching. I think he is growing attached to me, and I must admit I kinda like it. He calls me nearly everyday for lunch and after work. I find it endearing. (LOL...he just called now) He won't come out and say how he feels but I can live without those words. I guess I am the same way myself. I still haven't packed so I better get to bed. Have a hair appointment in the morning I have to get to as well. Yay relaxer!