Remember when?

Nike Pump shoes were the hottest shoes on the planet?

It was cool to be a Ruff Ryder and I wanted to get the tiger paw print tattoo on my breasts (I kinda still like that idea)

"Dat Butta" was the new word and we had to explain it wasn't something nasty to our middle school teachers

I was the first person to learn all the words to "put it in your mouth" and "Bout it Bout it" and all my friends thought I was either cool or had a nasty mind (the rap dream sooo died)

I realized I missed being in high school

I realized I missed being in college (undergrad)

was the last time I had a lazy Saturday where I could sit around and do nothing, thinking of everything, have nothing to show for it, and not care?

Before today? Nope.

I'm sooo going to pay for this later...lol

TGIF

TGIF.

Thats pretty much all I can say about today. I was so glad it was friday. I had a pretty dull day at work. I interviewed for the position at the office I am currently working in. I didn't feel I did as well as I did at the interview in California but my heart wasn't in it the same way. I felt this was more of a back up. At lunch I got so tired that I could barely stand to be awake. My office assistant told me to close the door and take a nap. After about an hour I felt much better. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive myself home.

My phone rang during lunch and it was D asking me if I was still going to meet him and doll for dinner. I cut him off quick saying I was at work and couldn't talk. I was starting to feel like it was a set up again. He called again after 5 and I decided to at least give it a try. I met doll at the hotel and this was the first time we had actually met face to face. She was much shorter than I was and had a black girl's butt. She was cute. Looked just like her pictures. We sat in the lobby for a while and waited for D to show up and pick us up (in her car by the way). When I first saw him he looked...different. He looked older and tired. His eyes didn't seem to have that same glimmer. I could tell he had truly been through something over the past few months. He hugged me but I didn't return the favor. I truly didn't want him to touch me. We got in the jeep and rode around the city looking for a place to eat when I suggested a steak house I had seen. We went in and he had case of sticker shock. I laughed and reminded him that he did say that he wanted to take us somewhere "nice". I know nice very well. We ended up at PF Changs. I went to a jewelry store while he and doll waited on the table and he called me to come out side after I had been browsing a while. He commented that he was truly sorry for how things had occured and started asking me questions about things that had been said to me by doll. I avoided his questions and reminded him that the situation was one that could have been avoided. By that time she called and said that the table was ready and we went inside. We had a nice dinner and chatted lightly. After dinner we rode back to the hotel and as I was going to my car he stopped me and asked me about things doll and I had talked about and about how he felt that people were not being fair in their retaliation against him. At that point I stopped him and just let it all hang out. Years of frustration and pain came out. I told him about the nights I had cried myself to sleep, the feelings of being a poor submissive, the feelings of inadequacy and how hurt I was that he felt the need to lie to me even when I had always told the truth. As I talked I waited for him to interject but he didn't. He just listened. He said I was mature for my age but I have heard that so many times I am not even fully sure what it means anymore. How else should a 26 year old woman act? I felt tears coming to my eyes but I wouldn't let them drop. I didn't want him to see me like that. When I finished, we both stood there silently in the parking lot until he walked over and hugged me in a bear hug and kissed the top of my head twice. I kinda liked the kisses and I did smile a bit. He walked over to my car and opened the door (without prompting mind you) and told me to drive safe. I think he actually listened. I am happy if it did. I drove off and got to a stop light and had an "ah ha" moment when I realized, OMG I actually told him all of that stuff. I was smiling to whole trip home.

I never really had any intentions of ever talking and seeing him again but I am glad that I had the chance and the opportunity to do so. Perhaps in the future, we can have civil, friendly conversations again. Maybe a friendship. Maybe....

The craziest thing is that I remember doll telling me the night before she thought we could have made a good family and after this evening, I think she was right. Guess we will never know.

Going Back to Cali

I hate when several eventful days pass before I write. I feel like there is so much to write about and I might miss the important things. I just got back yesterday from several days in California with Orpheus and Indigo. I took Skybus for the first time and was pretty pleased with it. The seats were kinda narrow and the seats didn't recline (at least I couldn't figure out how to do it) but overall I was pleased with the service and the price. Besides I slept most of the time I was flying. I also got to test my new GPS for the first time in unfamiliar territory and was sooooo ecstatic with its performance. I encourage everyone to go out and buy a Magellan GPS system. When I got into town on Thursday, O was at work and I met Indy at the house. She and I spent most of the day riding around. Driving in California was a bit, alot different. But I don't think it was anything I couldn't get used to. Its still amazing to me to see so many stores and houses so close together. We had lunch with O that afternoon. Indy made asian food that night. I am honestly amazed at her cooking skills. I guess all those years of avoiding all things domestic didn't serve me as well as I had hoped they would. Or maybe they did. Who knows. In any case the food was great. He took off from work on Friday and we went to the Fashion District. Wow...talk about an experience. It was amazing to see so much stuff packed in one place. I don't think you could ever navigate the entire length. They took me to a corset shop where I bought a new waist cincher. The store owner was so nice and friendly. He kept giving me all these compliments and who the heck knew I wore a 34 in waist cincher...now thats something. I always figured I was a 38. He bent me over and put his knee in my ass while he laced me up. It really made me blush. As much as I hate it, I love being put on display. Gotta love (or hate) the dualities of life. Saturday we went to a meeting at a local dungeon and man was I bored to death. The guy had one of those kinds of voices that lulled you to sleep. I sure could use him now to put me out. We went back to the dungeon later that night...and I mean later. I could tell he was tired and I told him I didn't mind not playing he he said that I would. It kinda hurt my feelings because I really wasn't all that interested in playing. But some reason people never really believe me when I say that. Kinda like me not liking chocolate. Apparently is not easily believed. Before we started playing a man came in and called me by the name of one of O's others subs and my heart sank even lower, because the last thing I wanted to be looked upon as was someone's "replacement". We played and I am still sitting on bruises. He whipped me with a studded belt while I held the massager on my clit. That was an amazing feeling for the moment but the aftermath hasn't left much to be desired. He covered my face with his hand and that was one of the most panicky feelings I have ever had in my life. I was afraid I might really pass out. Afterwards he put rope around my neck and I was done. not sure where I went but my mind was certainly not on this planet. The ride back to the house was very uncomfortable as I felt every inch of my behind sting. My heart hit rock bottom when I was getting ready for bed and he told me I could sleep on the floor or on the sofa. I kinda felt like I been rejected. I tried sleeping on the sofa but my hand kept falling asleep so I moved to the floor. I slept on my stomach because again my bottom was too sore to be touched. Sunday rolled around and was pretty quiet. I got to get some studying in and spent time talking with their children. Kids are always entertaining to me. We had movie night and O invited a new girl over. He describes her as a "rockabilly" chick. I wasn't really feeling her. At first I thought I was being discriminatory and felt bad (she is white) but then I realized, I really just wasn't interested and let it go. When bed time rolled around again I was back on the floor and this time in way more pain than the night before. My ribs were hurting and several times I twisted and turned and contemplated getting a hotel room for the night. I put a blanket under my ribs and get some sleep that way. I don't know why but the pain was enough to bring tears. Though I am not sure which pain it was that incited them. Monday I got up and went to my job interview and was blown away at how well I had done. The lady who interviewed me told me I was a "breath of fresh air" and I couldn't do anything but grin. In the one hour time I started to feel like I was on top of the world again. At least my world. Ohh she said she could see me in management someday! I always did do my best in corporate affairs. I am looking forward to getting an official offer any day soon. As I was driving to my interview I noticed that I only worked a few blocks up from O's job and I went to have lunch with him. I wasn't feeling very chatty and he tried to pull a conversation out of me but I guess all I really wanted to do was be near him and think. I don't know if the years have done me well or not, but I realized on my drive home that I had grown a wall inside that was ready to push people out before they got in. It's a gift as much as a curse. We took a walk that evening and despite the fact that I now have mosquito bites on top of bruises (pulls on my hair) I was glad we did.

The flight back home was pretty nice. The plane was emptier and I slept through the flight. When I got off the plane I went by M's house on the way home. He listened to my story about my trip and became entertained by my bruises. He claimed that I was constantly teasing him and oddly enough, I really had only stopped by to talk. Actually the last few times have been purely innocent visits but some way or another I end up on my back. I have my thoughts about that for another day. I went home and talked to my momma for a while. I asked her if she thought I was crazy for wanting to move so far away and she said "I'll visit you". She has some moments, good moments.

The next day, panic set in. I started feeling like an animal in a box and went through a series of "what ifs". What if he wants me to do this? What if I have to stop dating? What if I have to say that? Pure panic. The only thing that flashed in my mind was "Get out! Get out!" It sounds nuts but panicked for hours. I told my best friend about my weekend and she started to worry if moving was such a good idea. So did I. Sometimes I truly hate the baggage I come with. All I could think was about every bad thing that could possibly go wrong. He called later that evening and we talked and he answered some of my questions and the panic started to calm. Freedom isn't that easy to give up. That's probably a good thing. My biggest fear is that I was screw up. I want thing to work but I want things to work the right way. Now that the panic has settled I am back to normal. Being a girl is such a drag sometimes.

Overall it was a wonderful trip and despite a couple minor setbacks I am still very dedicated. It's going to take some work to readjust my mind from my self pervasive thoughts. I just need to learn to turn it on and off as needed.

I had so much more to write but I am soo tired. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet D for dinner to hear his apology. I am not even sure if I have the mindset to deal with him. But at least I won't be alone. His other ex-gf is supposed to be there as well. The minute I got the call I remembered exactly why I panic so much. Yeah....I need sleep.

The Counselor Writes

I am on the brink of passing out, leaving QWERTY to stamp itself proudly on my forehead. The hour change really took a toll on me this week and therefore I decided that tonight the best thing for me is to go to bed. I was a bit concerned this weekend when I felt myself blinking a few times in sessions. It's a nightmare to think that I may actually fall asleep on one of my clients. Otherwise, the work week was good. I went to my first after hours business mixer and had to giggle at the people filling up on free bear and wine. I opted for the tea *proud smile*. A position is coming open at my job and there has been alot of buzz about who is going to fill it. My supervisor has been pressuring me to apply for it for a couple weeks and today I finally gave in. I figured I needed a back up plan in case my interviews next week in CA don't go so well. My supervisor was really excited when I told her I was going to apply and it really made me smile because I knew for sure at that moment, she liked me. I spoke with my UM and while he does know my desire to go to CA he has been more than upfront with me that if things didn't work out to not worry, he would find me a place in the agency somewhere. He even offered to help me with my interview..(even though he is the one I would be interviewing with). My supervisor helped me to edit my resume and even the office assistants got me resume paper. It's almost hard to leave them. I am glad I have had the chance to be around such caring and nurturing people. They make me happy and when I am happy I feel I can pass that on to a client. I am nervous about my interviews next week and will be spending the weekend preparing myself for whatever questions they may throw at me. I soo hate job seeking. However I am fully and completely looking forward to stepping out and pursing my career to the fullest.

In the mean time, this little intern needs some sleep....zzzz

The Submissive Writes

It's been sometime since I have had a moment to really pen my thoughts and feelings here. And honestly I don't really have the time now, but I am making it.

Needless to say I have been busy. I can say with full confidence there is no way I would go to school full time and go to work full-time. This semester is about to kill me. I feel like nothing is getting done and there are 1000's more things to be added to the list. I have dreams about forgetting school work and failing school. They have startled me out of my sleep. However on the flip side I realize that the path is ahead and there is no time to stop now. My counselor exam is in a month and I am sooo not ready. I am going to have to cut social time back seriously. Failure is not an option. Never was and damn sure isn't now.

I have made the decision to pack up my life and move to California. The decision took me sometime to come to but when it was all said and done and set in my mind, I realized it was something I had to do. I have told my family and friends and while most of my friends are not happy about the decision, they have been at least mildly supportive. This year marks a decade of learning, experiencing and attempting to become a part of this lifestyle. I feel like I only started a year or two ago. I feel like if I am going to do this, I need to do this right or not do it at all. A couple weeks ago Orpheus told me he had talked to his girls and would like to put me in consideration. The first word out of my mouth was "Huh?" Smoooooth. In my mind I had hoped he would do such but I didn't think it was a possibility. I look at his girls and well...I don't look like them. I am trying to learn to stop second guessing myself. It's one of the qualities about myself that I truly loathe. Its amazing how in some aspects I love to toot my own horn and in others I cower. I have been browsing the myspace pages and all the girls over there look alike: black hair, dark eyes, stick straight bodies. Soooo I might stick out. But in times when I start to feel shy I like to remember that he chose me for a reason and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him. So when I get to feeling self conscious I inhale, exhale and suck it up...the best I can. I am heading out to CA next week and I am more nervous this time than I was the first time. Typical me. I am always nervous the second time. Maybe the fear of the unexpected over takes the fear the first time. But above all else, I am excited to go and anticipate the new life that is waiting for me on the other side of the country.

I have recently distanced myself from my local group. As much as I would love to jump in feet first and pitch in, I don't really have the energy to desire lately. They seem to have their own ideas of how things should be ran and have little concern for the ideas of others. To be frank, they have become "lame". There seems to be a rush to focus on the desires of one or two people and not the group on a whole. The Ex (E) is on the board now and has been preaching to me about not being active anymore. I don't have the time to waste on people who could much less give a damn about what I have to say. Part of me felt like I needed to make more of an effort to make up with him after C & G's trip but I can say lately I just don't care. Why bother? I think its my guilt complex. I hate for people to not like me. I gotta get over that too.

Speaking of people not liking me, I have had fantasies about cussing out G for a couple days now and I have realized that I do hold things in. I mean I feel good just thinking about the rant that would come out. But then again, logic pops in (every so often anyway) and I figure, whats the point? Well the fantasies make me feel good and besides, isn't that what they should do anyway?

Anywho....work awaits and so does my bed.