Memories

It's getting harder and harder everyday to remember the good times he and I had. Its getting easier to remember the heartache, the arguments, the abandoned feelings, and the broken promises. This is a weird phenomena for me. I usually experience quite the opposite. I remember the good times, brushing bad feelings under the rug. But this time wasn't like the others I suppose. Even though the feelings are still there I am happy to be where I am right now. It was the best choice even if it was (is) the hardest.

Mark

His name is Mark.

I have a co-worker named Mark who has awaken something in me that is scary and exciting. I have never had a significant conversation with Mark and know very little about him. He is not insanely attractive but there is something about him that makes me feel...weak. He is a very quiet and private person. He rarely speaks. But there is something in his eyes that says everything. He intimidates me. His eyes always feel like they are looking at me...through me. I can't look him in the eye. I usually smile shyly and my eyes hit the floor immediately. I have tried several times to look him in the eye but I can't. I choke every time I say Hi. I fidget when he is around, not sure where to look, put my hands, what to say... I am an utter mess and somehow I want more of it. I know when his smoke break is. I find excuses to go outside or even watch him from the window. Part of me wonders what he thinks when he sees me. If he thinks anything at all. I somehow find myself wanting to get closer to him and yet keep him at a distance. I wish he knew how much I want to lay at his feet and rub my cheek against his leg. There is something in the way that he looks at me that makes me want to obey. I have spent countless moments in the bathroom masturbating to the thought of him making me do whatever, in front of whoever. My God, its pulling at a part of me that hasn't been this alert in years. I am an unowned slave drowning in the need to be owned.

I wish he knew...

Closing Time

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

The idea of going to the club annoys me. I don't want to go to BDSM events like I used to. I think this chapter is starting to wrap up and I am scared shitless. I don't know what the world looks like outside of this...

But the idea of staying makes me feel depressed. Very depressed.

Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

M"alice" In Wonderland

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I
got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.
But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah,
that's the great puzzle!" - Lewis Carroll

So with Alice in Wonderland being the big to do thing now, the old wheels have got to spinning. I have been wondering lately about the well being and where abouts of ol' Alfred. He used to tease me and call me Alice saying the stories of my life could only be from wonderland. It was a cute name. I enjoyed it at the time. Since all the things fell out from the group back home I can only guess he is somewhere doing his "own thing" Code for "No one wants to be bothered with my bullshit". And while he was a clueless something, he did add some important elements to my experience. Number 1 - Never trust a Dom who wants to just train or mentor. Number 2 - Check references. Number 3 - Any man who hides, deserves his ass beat. Number 3 makes me giggle. Never had a man hide behind his door before but I should have known better. A coward hiding behind the title of Dominant. But all in all, I do wonder about how he is doing and his girl.

So as I have been amusing myself with old memories I have started to wonder about the idea of looking up people from my past. Seeing how they are, how life has changed, etc. I have often wondered about the consequences of such actions, good and bad. I have not really looked up many people I have lost contact with but with the internet nowadays and facebook, twitter, etc. I can find almost anyone. I have wondered what would I say? "Hey there, just wanted to see whats new. Ohh no, didn't really want chat...just being nosey" Unfortunately, for several cases I have no real desire to respark a relationship, intimate or platonic, but rather feed an active curiosity and move on with the rest of my being. I blame it on my Aquarian traits. I wonder if it is a smart move. I wonder if people are purposely not in my life for certain reasons or if it is truly that I didn't try hard enough to keep them around. I find that lately I am letting more and more people slip from my life. I really want to focus on keeping the most important ones and not wasting time and energy on those who are fleeting. I don't know if this is the best tactic for living ones life but like all other things...I will see. I would like to see Aaron once more. Perhaps see what happened in his life, even though I already know from bored google searches. I would like to see my professor again even though we chat quite frequently on facebook. It's only a matter of time before that situation comes to a predictable climax. I wonder about John, who brought me in to this bittersweet lifestyle. I wonder if he ever wonders about me. So many names and faces I have encountered through the years in this lifestyle that just thinking about it makes me a little sentimental. I wonder too about Dave, my Sandman, who in some way or another, I have always wanted to make a "proud papa" of the lil girl he helped to groom. I would make the trip for him without blinking. So many people...so many memories. My mind is overwhelmed lately. Wow..overwhelmed is a misnomer.

Alice's rabbit hole keeps getting deeper....the tale twists a little more each day.

It's Your (My?) World

Life and death law around us

Four pounds and pounds a verb from out of towners

It's hard to stay groundedWe stay high, thats why old folks down us

Lost, nobody found us, the force that surrounds us

Ain't with us, they get us on the ground and hit us

We paint pictures of the chains under their names and scriptures

Removed from earth, only to return through birth

Knew this girl selling her body, wish she knew what it was worth.

Between God and trash, looking in every car that pass

With a walk that suggests head, to milk niggaz she was breastfed

She know dairy so she say cheese to get bread

In the area where it's more weaves and less dreads

Kinda scary, amongst thieves and base-heads

Said it was her toes, but I could tell her soul hurt

She was cold turk, growing up she got to know hurt

very well in a world where self hate is overt

Her step-father that he was Ike, so her mother he striked

she got to like like minded niggaz, who liked crimes and figures

Doing white lines and liquor, see hard times had kicked her

In the ass, it used to be thicker

Life is fast, some choose to be quicker

I remember in high school she had a passion to sing

Now she see herself in a casket in dreams

These are the children of crack and rap, blacks done lack

Self-esteem, yo we forgot the dream

On our Jefferson's y'all but we forgot the theme

In the Chi, we even rooting for a garbage team

This queen never seen herself on this Corner

She still wanna see California

But this is her world

~from "Its Your World" by Common

Deserving heart

Lately I have been very happy to be able to confide in one of my co-workers about the lifestyle and all the drama that comes with it. She doesn't understand it or is a part of it so I spend quite a bit of time when we are talking explaining things to her. I don't mind. I am just happy to have someone to talk to who isn't a part of all of this. When we talk she asks the questions I would expect my friends to ask, if they didn't already know the answers. The other day during lunch I told her about my experiences with poly and she gave a long pause before asking "Why don't you think you are good enough to have a man to yourself?" Her question was shocking to me. But of course I think I am good enough. And the more I tried to explain it to her, the more quiet and frustrated I had become. Here days later I am wondering to myself, "Do I really think I am not good enough to have a man all my own?" It's a shocking and mildly painful question to ask and ponder. I wonder if I somehow subconsciously I have felt this way for sometime, if at all. I have thought of moving into another poly relationship but I dream of a man, my man, and one day my husband...the father of my children. I guess this is all intensified by watching episodes of Big Love and thinking about how women will do things they don't want (plural marriages) for the men they love. So much has been on my mind lately and so much has been weighing on my heart. I don't have an answer for this right now but I never want to feel from this day forward that I made a decision because I didn't think I deserved more. I am starting to feel the apex of many of my issues is that I have not demanded more. I have not demanded people meet me at my level. My heart is so heavy right now....

Freedom is...

being able to stand on my own two feet and proclaim to the world that I can do whatever I want and feel an endless amount of joy and pride within that....

...while still feeling completely misarable and empty.