Fantasies, Fetishes and Floggers

This past week I have been very focused on trying to define what my fantasies are. It's hard for me to admit but I have been chasing my S&M dreams for so long that they have become my fantasies. Now that I have to chance to actually bring those fantasies to life, I want to flesh them out and give them more substance than simply saying, "I want to serve a man". Several times this week I have been asked by men to tell them my fantasies and I draw a blank. They have shared theirs, from golden showers to watching a scene between me and my best friend. However I feel like I am disappointing them when I say I really have nothing to tell. I think rather then saying I don't have fantasies, I should tell them I don't have many I am comfortable with sharing. Of course I have the fantasy of allowing a man to have complete control of me, dictating my movements right down to what I wear and how I speak. Another fantasy or fetish rather that I have had for years but have started really paying attention to in past weeks is my daddy/daughter one. I have recently met a man online, Darius, who makes that fantasy come alive just by the sound of his voice. He says people find it soothing and while I completely agree, I didn't tell him so. He calls me "Sub of Many Doms". It makes me laugh everytime I hear it. It does seem I have many Doms but how else can you find the one who is perfect for you if you are only seeing one at a time? But anyway, I called him once and he asked me "did you call just to hear my voice?" and I said "yes". I think I caught him off guard. He has managed to deal with my sarcasm and smart ass comments. That to me is a feat within itself. I usually scare men off by then. The ones who stick around to actually hear me call them "Sir" impress me. He is a very attractive man. Almost so attractive that I thought he would reject me when he saw my picture. To my surprise he did quite the opposite. He wants me to lose weight but eh, I am so used to that reply it doesn't really phase me. Not that I don't need to, of course. Well Eric has restricted me from touching myself until we see each other next Friday, so it will be a looooong week. I hope I can make it. Not only to show him how well behaved I can be but I also like the idea of proving him wrong. He doesn't think I will make it. Neither do I, but I am hopeful. :)

Suggested Reading

I went to Waldenbooks the other day to get a book called "Why Men Love Bitches", which made Eric double over in laughter at the thought that I would even go and look for a book with that title. However, beside the book was one called "The Pleasure Is All Mine: The Memoir of a Professional Submissive" by Joan Kelly. This book is wonderful! I have never heard of it but the author is a great writer. Her tale isn't overtly sexual but you get a clear idea of her feelings and thoughts about her sexuality and the men she has encountered. I am only halfway through but I have no doubt the rest of the book will be just as good.

The only drawback is that the cover won't allow me to take it to work and read on my breaks without a bunch of questions.

Love Letters

Love letters are pretty things.

Especially when you fill them with pretty words and small drawings. They are fun and harmless. At least when you were little they were. At 24 they take on a new meaning. The are the gateways to forgiveness and the beginning of second chances. Today Eric sent me a letter that was filled with the most profound apology I have ever received in black and white. I actually had to pause a conversation I was having with someone online to reread it and examine each word. Immediately the guilt crept in and I started to feel bad for being so angry with him. Guilt will be the death of me one day. His phone is broken so we haven't talked in a couple days except for a few brief chats online. So now I drawn back in and I am afraid. I am afraid that I am conflicted and my will power isn't what it used to be. I am afraid that this could be the result of me liking the attention and not the man. I am afraid of everything and anything that could go wrong by me giving in and accepting his apology. I did however. Of course you knew I did. That's the kind of person I am. In his letter he said he wanted to get closer to me. That actually made me take pause. It is the first time he has come out of that shell and shown any direct affection for me. For the first time I feel like he is talking to Jessica and not just some submissive woman, any submissive woman. Guess all there is, is to wait and see. If anything, I am smiling today. And that's good enough for me, for right now.

Numerlogy

I love astrology and the zodiac. I have a shelf full of books about the subject. However I have never had much of an interest in numerlogy. I came across a link and got this result for my name and I have to say it is the most accurate reading I have read about myself. I think I am going to email it to a few people and see if they get the same reaction.

There are 19 letters in your name.
Those 19 letters total to 77
There are 8 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 5

The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 7

An Inner Dream number of 7 means:
You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

Opportunity

Today started out much like any other day. I went to work. I came home. I rubbed down my dog. Nothing different, nothing special. I was supposed to go out with my friend tonight but plans got cancelled so I was in for the evening. I called Eric, as he had turned off his phone last night and we talked for a bit. Last Saturday, during his drunkedness, he said to me that he wished to train me and that he needed to hear that I needed him to train me. I asked him if he remembered what he had told me to tell him and he said no. It was like a rough slap to face. Wasted words on a eager heart. Perhaps too eager. He wanted to know what it was that he said but I didn't want to say it. I knew it would only make me cry. He continued to press on until I had steered him into a conversation about his dinner. Then we got into the topic of how I didn't like to divulge my feelings to the world. He asked if I had ever been to a counselor and of course I haven't. Maybe I should go sometime, considering this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. Then I started on how I missed Aaron and he said he never missed anyone. I find that to be a pile of crap but I told him perhaps he hasn't had the opportunity to miss anyone. In any case the phone bleeped out and when I called back his phone was off. He didn't pop online to say anything to me or call back. I feel like a fool for even waiting around to see if he would do either. I think he is getting used to the idea of having me around. He is getting comfortable, just like Michael did. It's so discouraging. How can I serve these men when I feel like I am some distraction in their lives. I want to get the same attention I give. So with that I am thinking of maybe backing off of him and looking to meet someone else. I have started emailing a man from Durham. He hasn't asked for a picture, or if I am single or any of that. I really like that. Maybe that's all I really need right now is just someone to chat with and get out all of these questions and thoughts and feelings. So is this an opportunity to close one door and open another door? A better door? I don't know but something has to change, I am just not sure what that something is yet.

Disappointment

Tonight I am sitting here in a state of complete and utter disappointment. Not that this is a new feeling but it's an upsetting feeling, considering its source. Chats with Eric this weekend have been less than delighting. In fact they have been irritating. I get the feeling he has been drinking rather heavily. He doesn't remember half of the conversation and has been mumbling into the phone sometimes drifting off into pointless conversations that have nothing to do with what we were talking about in the first place. I got so pissed that I hung up on him, only to call back later and apologize. When I told him that his attitude had hurt my feelings the only thing that he could respond with was that he wasn't in a talkative mood. I then asked him why he couldn't have just told me so and I could have just found someone else to talk to. I think my response caught him off guard. In fact he said it was "interesting". The last thing that I want him to do is get comfortable with the idea that he is the only man I can and do talk with. Drunkedness bothers me. It upsets me. How can I submit to a man who cannot even control himself when he drinks? And what if he is drinking because something has upset him? Call me selfish, but the last thing I want to do is take on his problems, especially if they lead him to drink like that. He claims he wasn't that drunk but I went to college, and I know a drunk ass when I see one or hear one. It makes me want to quit on him really. It makes me wonder if those posts about him were true. One did mention he was a drunk. But I think the overall tone of all of this is maybe things are just moving too fast. Maybe in my desire to feel what it is like to be a submissive to a man I have ignored the rules of engagement. At the end of the day this after all a "relationship". It sucks even more when you see your friends in relationships and you realize you are the last single one left. It's not so bad I suppose but it does cause those doubts to creep in. The ones where you start to wonder if you are even worth someone else's attention, much less to be in a relationship with them. I think I have been single so long that I wouldn't know how to react in a relationship with anyone.

So what now? Well I guess I am going to go to bed and decide if tomorrow, if he calls if I will answer the phone. I am disappointed. I am angry but more than anything I am hurt. Is this what submission is supposed to feel like? God, I hope not.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

So after another long absence, where do I start?

Nothing new has really happened. I am still working, though the hours have gone down since there aren't any big holidays coming up except for Easter. I don't think people buy new underwear for Easter. Well maybe they do. I went to interview for a job today as an assistant manager for a new store that's opening in the mall here. It's not the job track I was hoping for but at this point, money is the name of the game. I feel like at my current job I will never grow. It seems there is no room for promotions or pay raises. During the interview today, the girl told me that this new store will offer both. I really hope I get the job. I need it so much and I have a better eye for retail than any high schooler (which is who is going to staff most of the store I am sure). I have been doing some major spring/summer clothes shopping lately. I guess I feel like my wardrobe needs a maturity boost. I did buy some of those Old Navy espadrilles though. What can I say? I was big on them in middle school which was way before they got popular this year.

I guess where most of the big news is, is in my love life. If that's what you want to call it. I speak nearly every night on the phone with Eric. It's really nice even the times when he gets to be a smartass. Last week I looked up his screen name on google and came up with a page that was made in 2003 that had 2 blurbs from girls about him. To say they were nasty is an understatement. It was a page about bad ex's. It said he was in a gang, a drug abuser, physically and mentally abusive and to top it off, he had an STD. I read the page a thousand times that night and just burst into tears. All I could remember doing is being in a panic. The worst part was that it was no doubt that it was him that these blurbs were about. They told his full name, home city, screen name and even named a car that he had told me previously he had once owned. I asked him about the page and he said that it was put up by an ex he had cheated on. I find that believable. When a woman is hurt she can be very vindictive. I should know. Is there still a hint of doubt? Yes, and yes again. I mean it could be right. I believe in his side, her side and the truth. I do plan to get myself checked soon. The last thing I need is to catch an STD. Especially the incurable kind. However despite all of this I must admit I have found a man who is very dominant and possesses a will that is stronger than mine. Anyone who knows me, knows that isn't an easy feat. I am strong willed and take pride in knowing I can take on the best. I find myself backing down and even apologizing for mistakes that I make. Last night we spoke on the phone for a while and every word he spoke made my skin feel like fire. I was so turned on that I couldn't hardly breathe right. I let words fall out of my mouth that would make me feel ashamed and whorish. He loved every minute of it. I don't think he has had a chance to see that side of me. I told him it was there but I guess seeing or rather hearing is believing. I expressed once to him my desire to serve him to which he answered, "We'll see". His response made me think he had little interest in me until one day he mentioned he kept a notebook with notes about me. I asked about what was in it but of course he wouldn't say. I am dying to know. Are they good things? Bad things? I find myself constantly trying to sort my feelings out about him. Especially when he starts asking about me and Michael. I think it is just something that will have to reveal itself over time.

As for Michael, I am conflicted and mostly irritated. I leave him several messages asking him to call me to which he replies "of course baby" and never does. I wonder if after learning of Eric he has decided to give up on me and look elsewhere. On the rare occasions that we do speak he does ask if I still think about him. And of course I do. I care very much for him. But I need his attention, I need to know that when I call I can get a call back. I think school and work has him more tied up that he realizes or wants to admit to. I do miss him though. Unlike Eric, he has a more gentle and affectionate side. He makes me want to crawl in his lap and hide from the world for a while.

Through all of this I realized that I hadn't spoken to Aaron in nearly 6 months. Hell it might be more at this point. So I called his parents line but his dad seemed a little out of it. I left my name and number with him but I haven't heard anything back. I surely hope the bitch's pussy is worth it. Who needs enemies when you can have a friend like Aaron? LOL

Well per Eric's wishes, I am to write twice a week and stretch every morning to loosen my muscles so that they stretch more easily. I am sure you get the idea. So I guess that means I will be writing more often. I have debated sharing this page with him but for now, I think it will remain my private space on a very public site. :)