Teddy!

This is a picture of the teddy bear that A. brought me from one of his trips. I just feel like a little girl everytime I look at it. Its so soft too! I asked him to name it so I am waiting for him to come up with a name for my new little buddy.

Edited to add:
Daddy (A.) named him Russell. Awww!

"I want some booty!" (Perspective Part 2)

That was the catalyst for a half hour discussion in my class tonight.

My classmates and I (5 of us) along with our instructor were sitting in a circle having a discussion when one of my classmates let out this statement which sent the rest of us in an uproar. My classmate is about 5'7" and maybe 110 lbs wet. She has long brown hair and brown skin. In other words, modelesque. She is what the rest of want to look like. We all looked at her in astonishment. My classmate to my left was the most upset by this statement. She said, "what are you complaining for? You have your health, beauty and you have a boyfriend right? What more do you need?" Her questioning made me pause. The truth was set free. For some reason, my dear classmate who I find to be one of the most attractive women, skinny or plus size, that I have ever met, felt that her size had prevented her from having a boyfriend. I feel that way sometimes myself but the conviction in her voice as she asked her questions was chilling. Almost, sad.

I guess if I learned anything from this incident, small as it may seem, that we all had jealousies in some form or another. I guess again, lifestyle aside, its all about keeping things in perspective. I think all of my classmates are beautiful. Seriously.

To steal a line...."There is nothing to be jealous about."

Perspective

Yesterday I had a very good day. I can't really complain. Good day at work and even tried tae-bo for the first time. Class damn near killed me. I think I better start with something lighter. Maybe just do some walking. My chest is too big for all that bouncing stuff. Ugh. But it felt great to know I made through the end of the class without passing out. Now that's progress.

I also got to talk to A. for a while. I revealed to him that I had never had a contract, which blew him completely out of the water. He was really surprised by that and insisted that a contract outlined the relationship and that it couldn't really exist without one. So I guess if that is the case, I have never been in a D/s relationship. Looking at it that way isn't so bad. Its almost like getting your virginity back. Well sorta. He and his girl, T., are going to SELF next weekend. I wish I could go but summer school is really cutting into any and all activities I had hopes of pursuing. Its hard to keep in perspective that all of this is for something. I am guaranteeing my future. A. says I have plenty of time to do these things after school and in my mind, I know that completely and for sure but sometimes it feels like the world is passing me by while I try to figure out which pen to use to write my notes.

Today was a good day as well. I am going to class in a bit. Bleh. School in the summer time should be a sin. But I guess its better than going to school for a whole 'nother year. Today I started telling A. about this gorgeous Tiffany collar I had seen and he went to the website and started to look at the jewelry there. As he was looking he decided that he would rather give T. a Tiffany necklace as a collar. I laughed and said I was jealous and he said there was nothing to be jealous of. I just laughed it off but I was dead serious. I hardly even meet men who know what the hell Tiffany is, much less have the desire to buy it for me. He said one day I will meet a quality individual to belong to. I think he has alot more confidence in that fact than I do. However, in the deep depths of honesty, I have to say that I know I am not ready to give anyone that kind of commitment. I am still licking old wounds and am in no rush to create new ones. It just sucks sometimes to sit back and wonder why its not my time yet. But all in God's time. I trust in His judgement. Not saying its any easier, it just is, what it is. So I asked A. if I could accompany him to pick out the necklace. I figure any trip to Tiffany is worthwhile even if its not for me.

All in all, things are getting better. Not easier but definitely better.

A Sunday Meeting

Sometimes...most times...life throws in curveballs. The kind you never expected...the kind you never wanted. That is until you got them and they you realized they weren't so bad after all. This weekend was one of those curveballs.

My story really starts last week as I started to prepare for this weekend. After some talking, A. and I agreed to meet for lunch on sunday to have a face to face talk that I would have to say was long overdue. So as the week lurched on I spent my time working on what I would say. I spent quite a bit of time online researching different types of BDSM relationships, desperately trying to find something that would support the type of relationship I envisioned in my mind. Well honestly, it wasn't an easy find. And in fact, I really didn't find anything. So by saturday night I was feeling rather unprepared. Sunday morning arrived and I headed down the highway to meet him for lunch. I gave him a call but didn't get an answer. I assumed he was either in the bathroom or asleep so I didn't pay it any mind. However after my second call as I was getting closer to his home with no answer I started to worry. I arrived at his home to find neither his car or his girl's there. After sitting a while, I took a ride to his girl's job and asked her where he was. She then informed me that he had lost his phone and was running errands and going to a friend's house later. I excused myself to the bathroom to breathe as my face was getting redder by the moment. I came back out and told her I would be on my way back home. She said she would talk to him and told her not to bother. I left and got in my car and screamed. After calming down I went back by the house and when I didn't see his car I started to head home. Before I got to the highway I stopped at a gas station and asked for directions to a Barnes and Noble that his girl had mentioned he would be going to. Have a ride to the BnN and not seeing him I headed back toward the highway. I decided to stop by his house one last time. I pulled up and saw his car. I parked beside it and walked to the door, knocking on the door. After a few moments he opened the door a crack and peeked out. I stood at the door and clutched my keys in my hands. One if I needed to hit someone with them..two if I needed to get away quickly afterwards. He asked if I was ok and I simply nodded wordlessly. He invited me to come in and apologized for forgetting about our lunch date. I sat on the sofa and didn't speak for a long time. I didn't even look at him. I looked at everything, anything else I could find. After some small talk I cracked a smile at him and talked but the anger was still there. We then later went to dinner and after the dinner I felt reluctant to put my food in the togo box. He asked if I had anything to say but I was still too angry to speak on the topic that was the reason for my trip. As we drove home I asked him "You never answered my question. The one I asked you and you said you would answer today".His reply to me was "What is the question?" Again I was angry. I then asked him if he even paid attention to anything I say. I asked him if I was the kind of woman he would look for in a submissive. And he replied yes. As we got closer to his home I realized that my day was wasted and I told him how angry I was with him and how I didn't want to be, but that it was hard when I felt that he had forgotten such an important thing. I told him I wasn't even sure that I wanted to ask what I come to ask. I confessed him my need to be important and cherished. We pulled up in front of his house and I was expected him to get out and call it a night but he had invited me in to talk more. I sat back in my spot and we talked more. We started discussing the things I was looking for and what I was needing in my life to grow in this lifestyle. As we were talking I noticed he kept wiggling his hand so I sat by his feet and rubbed his hand for him. I was so angry at him still but it was hard to stay that way. We made an agreement to draw up a contract by the end of June and to keep our relationship private from those in our group. I have no desire to have people in my business, especially with the luck I have. Not to mention I do still want to be approached by Doms. I realize that with A., the idea of being the kind of slave that his girl is, is slim to none. Our relationship will be and has been for sometime, a Daddy/lil girl relationship. Which from now on, I will refer to him as "Daddy". He admitted to me that he was still interested in me even after taking on his girl but didn't want to pressure me, for which I am grateful. I went down there half expecting him to turn me down because of his new situation. Granted this is not a situation I ever imagined myself in, and even many times rejected the idea completely. However, I am willing to try. I guess at this point, I have seen all the crappy stuff. I am sure I am due for some good things at this point. I am nervous, naturally. I have never been under contract so this will be completely new to me for sure. But on the other hand, I feel more secure in this than I have in the past. I decided I needed to get serious or get out. Since I can't leave, and you all know I have tried...I'll get serious and see where this road is going to lead me.

A quote from Facebook

A friend of mine had this up on facebook so I borrowed it. It made me smile.

Ohh and while we are on the subject of smiles, guess who just found out she is getting an extra check this summer and who doesn't have to do a thesis for graduation? Time to start planning my graduation cruise!

God's Plan

Its been one of those weeks in which I sit and contemplate at every free moment about the meaning of my life and what it is that I should be doing with it. In my twisted Christian views I do strongly believe that God has a plan for our lives. With that said, I also believe God has multiple plans and it is up to us to pick one of them. Sometimes I wonder if I picked the right one.

I started reading the Secret and while largely I am not all that interested in self help books I have been interested in the notion that I could attract negative things in my life through my negative thoughts (of which I have many). So my plan for this week is that every time I have negative thought enter my mind, I am to counter it with a positive one. I am curious to see if positive changes are coming. If not then I'll have yet another book to resell on Amazon.

I have also been thinking of what to tell A. when he comes this weekend. I am standing at a crossroad where I could offer someone a part of my freedom. I have come to realize that in all my years in this lifestyle, I have never given over my freedom. Its not something I know much about or could even prepare myself for. It is, however, something I have wanted to do for a long time now. Sadly in my attempt to find someone to do this with, I have run in to bad situations that I could have avoided had I been thinking with the good brain God gave me. Sometimes, hell most times, it is difficult for me to listen to the great success people have when finding a partner in this lifestyle. I always react the same. I smile and say "oh thats wonderful!" When ever I use the word wonderful, it usually means I don't mean what I just said. So now you know one of my secrets. But I don't want to be bitter and uncaring. And honestly, I am happy for people its just that in the back of my mind I start to ask "Why not me?" On the brief occasions in which I do ask that question the answer is the same. Usually its because the men are not good enough for me and that I am bright, intellegent woman. They tell me how smart I am to be in graduate school. I have to laugh. If they knew. I barely break a sweat in school and I just ended my last semester with all A's. I have never tried in school. I have never needed to. To me, degrees are not measures of success. They are measures of time. But when it comes to this lifestyle, I try. I break a sweat. I have shed blood, sweat and tears. And yet, some how I find myself in the same place, continuously. It's quite an enigma. But at the end of the day I sit back in my chair and sigh and say "This is God's plan, Jessica."

But back to my thoughts of what to say this weekend.

I am afraid to hand anyone my freedom. I am afraid they won't know what to do with it or me. I am afraid that one more bad experience will drive me from this lifestyle. Most of all I am afraid of breaking down. I am afraid of losing myself. I am all I have. If I lose that, then I have lost everything. But I believe in him. I am not sure he knows that but I do. It was never my idea, plan or goal to be in a poly relationship. I have jealous tendacies but the idea of this one isn't so bad. I am not ready to be a 24-7 girl. I have to tell that to myself when I feel those pangs come in. I'm not ready. I am not ready to give it all up. But I am ready to get started. I am ready to start learning and training. So the big question now is "Is this a part of God's plan?" I guess we'll see in time.

Back to bullshit

I started to write last night but suddenly I realized I was about to begin another sad post. And the thought of that only made me sadder. It seems like everything I write here is sad, or depressing. I guess thats because when I am having a good time the last thing I am trying to do is write. I really need to figure out how to do that voice post thing again.

I just got back last week from a week long trip to Orlando. I had a good time. I am so tired from my trip but I wouldn't change a thing. I also flew on the plane for the first time which was a wonderful experience. I would love to fly again. I just hated taking my shoes off and walking on that dirty floor. I had on flip flops. How the hell do you sneak a bomb on to a plane in a pair of flops?? But anywho my favorite part was the take off. There was something enjoyable about leaving the ground and watching North Carolina disappear beneath the clouds. It was like watching the world disappear and along with it, alot of irritation and pain. I am looking forward to my next plane trip. While I was in Orlando I started to miss A. quite a bit. It was nice to get text messages from him from time to time. So I made plans to stay at his place the day after I got back into NC. We had a nice time. He had to work the next morning so I didn't get to see him much. However, I did get to spend sometime with his sub and we went to the mall and did some shopping. I hate to admit it but listening to her I started to feel inadequate. As if I were a watered down version of what submission should be. She has given her complete power over to him in a way that frightens the shit out of me. I wish I could do that but experience has taught me that might not be a wise thing. At least not for me. Or at least not at this time in my life.

A couple days after I got home I started thinking about how much I enjoyed my time and how much I began to trust in A. so I wrote to him, wanting to speak about it. Two nights in a row we were supposed to talk on the phone and for one reason or another, it didn't happen. We spoke this morning but after our talk I realized that the trust I had, had been shattered. Its a frustrating state to be in. To continuously be frustrated and irritated and have misplaced trust. I find that it is my own fault. I want it too bad. I just want for it to work. I am so afraid that a good one will come along and I'll be too bitter to even notice. So now I am finding myself trying to figure out where to go. Again.

I had more to write but I think this is enough for now. Its just depressing me again.

Steal my sunshine

Today with crushing defeat, my feelings of elated joy came to an end.

Lately I have been estatic with emotions over my new willingness and openness to embrace all the things that this lifestyle could possibly offer me. I have enjoyed several long conversations with A. about the ability to truly trust someone in this lifestyle and how it is possible to have someone who has the same goals I do. I even made a list of things I wish to have in a potential Dominant. I will have to add it later. I had a chat with Shelton the other day and while he is quite a nice and sweet man, he is not my type. He has been trying repeatedly for me to change my mind but I am tired of entering relationships with men because I think they are "nice". So I tried my best to be kind in my let down but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I showed him my list and he critcized it. Now he is making random posts which have nothing to do with nothing but I know they are nothing more than simple cries for attention. I feel like yanking my hair out of my head. Then in corner number 2 I have a sub male who has some fetish-like desire to serve a Black Domme. I have told him repeatedly I am a submissive and he continues on as if he has not heard me. He insists on calling me Ma'am. I have since given up on that. Again, trying my best to hold my composure.

But today, I decided to try a friendly conversation with Eric. To ask for his advice on a situation. Not that i really needed it but thought it would open a window. However, all I got was slapped with an insult. I asked him to keep our coversation private and his reply to me was that he didn't tell secrets, for example not like when I told Steven and broke him and hell i don't remember her name up. Great. Its like he can't let it go. No matter how much I apologize, he will never let it go. I don't bring up his faults, the things he did to me, but I continuously get insulted. I asked him politely to not bring it up and left. I can't deal with this anymore. I cannot deal with this complete and utter pointless bullshit that I am being pulled through. A smart woman would have given up by now.

I am starting to think a smart woman is emerging.