In order for me to depend on you I would have to...

"believe that you care about me"
"trust in you"
"accept that you will hurt me one day"
"allow myself to be vulnerable again"
"care about you"

Those were my answers to that question as I had to go around the room to each person in my counseling class and give a different answer. As I got to the last person the class room was stark silent. My professor looked as if she might cry. I almost forgot I was talking to my classmates. I almost forgot it was just an "exercise".

I talked to A. last night. It was pretty much a pointless conversation. I think I have pretty much come to the conclusion that he is incapable of empathy. I kinda feel sorry for people like that. They lose a part of humanity that cannot be taught. I asked him if he was sorry that he hurt my feelings. He said that it wasn't his intention. He never once said "I am sorry". I told him I was uncomfortable with being in a relationship if i wasn't fully sure about it. I said I would rather be sure before signing on the dotted line. He said that I should have signed and then expressed my feelings. To steal a line from my little brother, "That's the gayest shit I have ever heard". Using his logic I should get married and then tell my husband, you know, I don't really trust you. Yeah, blessing for sure. I am going to a concert tonight. I have no idea what the hell I am wearing. I guess I better go and figure something out. Ohh but to end on a great, happy note, I took G. and C.'s advise and found a submissive I respect to train me. I am excited about it. And I feel more comfortable about this situation.

Scrapes

"Those scrapes will heal quicker if you use some neosporin", said my best friend as she looked at the scratches on my skin where over the course of the weekend, G. had dragged one of his many knives over my body. I smiled and nodded to her and thanked her for her advice as she winced, probably wondering just how crazy her best friend was. Everyday I run my fingers over my healing scratches. I decided against the neosporin. I like them there. They help keep the memory alive and vivid. I want more...

Dreams

Today in one of my group counseling classes we decided to talk about dreams. So each person went around the circle and told a dream and let the class interpret it. When it came to my turn I described for the class the following dream:

There is an all white room. Simple 4 wall, 4 corner design. I walked in to the room and it went pitch black with the exception of a small beam of light from some mysterious window. Standing in the beam of light is a woman who is draped in a cloak. I can't see her face. I can only hear her voice. The room is dark and creepy but her presence is comforting. Sometime during this time a man appears in the room behind me. I can't see him but I know he is there. The man says "permit permission that she may look upon me" I panic and shake my head and the woman says "permission granted". I scream in horror at her answer. It was at that moment that I woke up.

My class looked at me perplexed at such a deep dream. Its one I had years ago, a couple times and have never forgotten. Suddenly one of my classmates looks to me and says, "The woman in the cloak is you". I looked at her as if she was nuts but she continued. She said that it was me going through an internal conflict. The woman was me, telling myself that it was time for me to deal with an issue (the man). My screaming was my resistance to do so. I sat there completely stunned as it made almost perfect sense. I have alot of issues to deal with that I have been avoiding. I am constantly going through a personal conflict. Maybe that dream was a time that it was time for me to face my fears. The biggest irony is that of all of the dreams to remember, I would remember that one to share with my class. A sign maybe?

30 Days

Today I asked "Daddy" for 30 more days to contemplate my mentoring contract more. To make sure that it was truly what I wished. After an evening of a frustrating yahoo messenger he told me he didn't have 30 days to give me. He said that he would not mentor me. I cried and asked him to change his mind. I started to feel like I had failed. I asked him questions and he avoided them. He said we were still friends. He said I am not ready. I know better. Events from the past weekend made him jealous. (I'll add that post later this week) He broke it off over the internet. He wouldn't even answer his phone. That was the dead ringer for me. I feel like I should be sad. I feel like I should be distraught. I feel like I should try harder to regain his favor. Truth is, I've known for a while it would never work.

I just finished dancing to Youtube videos.

I'm free. And I am overjoyed.

In a happy place

I had an absolutely, beautiful, blissful weekend. I wish I could relive it.

I took my monthly trip to my BDSM group meeting this weekend. However this month was a larger play party and we had a wonderful speaker. He did a presentation on medical play and inserted a catheter in to a woman, stapled her forehead and tongue, wired her mouth open, put little metal rings in her eyes to keep the lids open and sewed her fingers together. I was absolutely in awe. I couldn't tell if I was amazed or disgusted. Her fingers were so bloody as he sewed them. A. chattered on and on for weeks about how qweezy he would be watching the presentation. He was one of the main ones who was front and center. I was a little irritated by this. This was the same man who got bitchy with me about the 2 millimeter scalp biopsy I told him about but yet he was ok watching this woman's fingers bleed. And I mean running blood. Ohh before I go on, A. got elected to the board of the group. I was happy for him, however inside I was rather disappointed as I realized this was yet another item added to the plate. Call me selfish. I am.

The big highlight of the weekend was the arrival of my friends from Tennessee. These are the 3 men I met back in January. I was especially excited to see G. (good lord these damn initials) I am seriously attracted to him and I took every advantage of being able to spend time with him. I didn't speak as much with people as I normally would have. I was determined to make this weekend the best one yet. Even if it was at the expense of being a bit rude. My friends were only in town for this one weekend. I have to admit, this is a bit difficult for me to write. I feel a level of comfort with these 3 men that I have never felt with any Dom I have ever been with, or any other person in this lifestyle. I feel like I can be free to ask my questions and expose myself. I was flogged and whipped with a single tail until I cried. I loved every minute of it. It was like I was letting my frustrations go. The pain wasn't that bad, it was cathartic to be able to scream and let go and give C. and G. the power to do whatever they wanted to me. I gave them no limits. They took me where I needed to go. I am starting to grow a strong enjoyment for fireplay. Its an absolutely amazing feeling to have my body feel like its on fire. Literally. I am looking to grow more in that. I let R. put a needle in my arm on sunday morning. It really isn't as scary as I thought it would be. I am looking forward to doing more with that. Normally I would share more details but honestly, this weekend was too special for me to share it with the world. I want to keep the details close and private.

I had lunch with A. on sunday afternoon. As I looked across the table at him I realized that 6 months was too long. I wasn't ready to be locked in. I realized that suddenly someone had cracked open a new door and I was ready to kick it in and take all it had to offer. Unfortunately he wasn't at the other end of that door.G. and I watched a caning scene with him and T. and I realized there was so much more to this life than just the serving. I love to serve. Always have, and always will. However, I learned this weekend that serving also meant taking pain when it hurt so much it made me cry. I also learned that serving starts in the mind long before it becomes an action. I learned I had a new option and the old options were no longer as appetizing. I know this sounds vague but my thoughts are all over the place so maybe I will be able to clarify them later in the week as things settle down. But the point of this post is to say I had a wonderful weekend. I had an eye opening experience and I have realized I am not the same person I was on friday. And that puts me in a happy place.

Bad Girl Again

I think I used this title before. Well I found the video for the song that I took that title from. This is by far one of my favorite songs. If my life had a soundtrack this would definitely make the cut. It's a great video. Even better song. Listen to the lyrics. Magic...

Express Yourself

And wow speaking of journeys! I was browsing videos and came across Express Yourself by Madonna. (I am such a crazy outrageous fan of Madonna. Old Madonna, not this new stuff) I remember watching this video and being absolutely mesmerized by it. There is a part in the video where she is chained to a bed and another part where she is crawling toward a bowl of milk. I actually practiced the crawling part in my room. Wow if I only I knew back then... I had totally forgotten about that until I saw the video again. I think I just found my actual first introduction into the lifestyle. I am ecstatic!

YouTube!

While this has absolutely nothing to do with my BDSM journey or personal growth, I just have to say I have fallen in love with YouTube! I have been watching videos all day and listening to music and even better than that I found I can post them on here.

I am such a music addict. I can't wait to give my blog a soundtrack.

Yeah buddy.

Missing

Daddy and T. went to SELF this weekend. I haven't talked to him all weekend. I didn't want to call and interrupt because I know its a tight schedule. I kinda miss him and it sucks. I hate when I miss people. I hate admitting that I miss them even more.

I'm going to go and do some laundry.

Fear

Fear is a condition that I have come to find that I operate under quite frequently these days. It's very frustrating as its something I would love to eventually grow out of. And I am confident that I will. Its just that perhaps I am not doing so as quickly as I would like to. I started thinking about fear the other day when I went with Daddy to the mall to pick out a necklace to serve as T.'s permanent collar. He is going to have a collaring ceremony for her this summer. It's quite a big event. Akin to a small wedding as he described it. I glanced at the jewelry case and saw a necklace I would love to have as my own collar one day. He was so excited about the necklace he picked out and continually thanked me for it all day. I was happy that he was so happy. I started to try on the necklace I liked for myself but handed it back to the salesman saying it probably wouldn't fit. I was afraid I would start crying. I started to get the overwhelming feeling that I would never have my own ceremony. Every time I mention it, I make light of it. It makes it easier to express. And more importantly, easier for others to listen to. Its a real and true fear of mine. Sometimes I find myself sitting and wondering if Daddy would see me as the type he would like to collar one day. But then sometimes I have to ask myself..."is this where you see yourself long term?" I am not sure. I am not even sure where I see myself by Christmas. Long term doesn't have the same meaning anymore. Its the empty promise I have gotten a million times but fulfilled none. I don't bother with it anymore. I am happy for now, and that seems to be sufficient. As time passes and things progress, I have a fear of the next woman, the one who might indeed complete the circle. Sometimes I really worry that once he permanently collars T. he won't have time for me. Sometimes I think about how to respond to that. How to get out. The last thing I want to do is get left again. I have made up my mind that this time I will leave first.

My fear carries over into other parts of my life...into school and work, friendships, etc. I am afraid that I won't be financially secure. I am afraid that I will graduate school next year and be unemployed. I am afraid the hair loss I am starting to experiment is only the tip of the iceberg. (let me tell you...that sucks) And hell it could be PMS, who knows. Probably. Or maybe its just all the results of a series of very unfortunate events. So how do you get around these things? How do you learn to trust other people? More importantly, how do I learn to trust myself?

I feel like I have more to add but I am tired and my thoughts are jumping all everywhere. I guess that's a clue its bedtime.