It's a Full Moon

I started to write earlier tonight but as I was looking at my post it started to sound like a schizophrenic ramble. It didn't even make sense to me, and that's saying something. Its been one of those days when I have had alot on my mind and the thoughts come so fast that I can't catch them and make any sense of it. I noticed on my way home tonight that its a full moon. That probably has a lot to do with it.

I've been in a thinking mood lately. One of my professors told me once that I tend to "live in my head". She is so right. I think and plan and rethink and replan in my mind all the time. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately...thinking and rethinking. Probably the only person I really have been talking to lately is M. Which by the way has been a really beautiful experience. Sometimes we stay up so late at night talking about BDSM topics and whatnot that I have to cut him off so I can catch a couple hours of sleep before work. It's been a nice change of pace to have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, who not only knows and understands me but also keeps an open mind to things that are new. I am taking him to the halloween party my group has in October. He expressed that he wanted to learn how to flog, which actually surprised me a bit. Well not as much as some of his fantasies that he told me. But then again, I kinda always knew it was there...its just that now he is vocalizing it. I also enjoy spending time with him lately because he is one of the few people who has been encouraging me in school and in my exploration. He wanted to hear all the details of Black Beat and even helped me pick out my first corset. The other night he asked me if I was ready for my trip to California and I said that I was but that I was very nervous. His reply was: "Nervous about what? Living your life?". I had to smile. You can't help but not to when someone puts it that way. It's been a bit frustrating with people telling me where I should and should not go, who I should and should not talk to, etc. Oh and my personal favorite...being told I was "out of my league". So as I said, alot of personal time.

I've also been in a bit of weepy state lately. I think it's PMS to be honest. With Halloween coming up, I can't help but think about D and it pulls on a piece of me. I started asking why does he bother me so much and I realized that he was the first person I really tried with. The person I thought I could give my all to and it crashed and burned in a blaze of glory. It's hard to believe its almost the end of the year. It's like the year has whizzed by and amazingly...there is so much more to come. I have my move to look forward to and my trips to Cali and Florida. Halloween is always a fun time of year and the holiday time. With all of this, I have started thinking on my journey...where I have been and where I am going. I started to thinking how happy I have been in the past few months despite a million papers and hours at work and bills. I have been in a state of happiness that is almost unfamiliar...but secure. I smile more. I have more patience and understanding and compassion for people. (And what better qualities for a future counselor?) When I tried to work things with A, I was trying to fit into a niche that wasn't for me. A square peg in a round hole if you will. All I can remember is that feeling of relief when he said it wouldn't work. It was as if I was waiting for him recognize what I had known for months. And with D, I gave too much...too quickly. He said the right things, but his actions didn't match. They never matched. Never. Some time over the past few months that feeling of failure has disappeared. I am not sure when or where but it left. I no longer feel like I have to fit in someone elses idea of what a submissive should feel like. I wish I was a better word smith but there is really an amazing feeling when you can look in the mirror and say "I'm ok with you as you are".

The other day I was talking to M and I started to tell him about my desire to increase my domestic skills and he asked me why. I have always felt that any woman can give a man pussy. It's really not that hard. But the love and dedication it takes to fix his meals a certain way or set out his cloths, and one of my favorites...to wash and groom him. I find that to be more intimate than sex. As I explained it to him he said that he had never thought of it that way and liked the idea of it. I think the next time I am over his house I'll ask to bathe him. Its been a long time since I have done that and I kinda miss it. I've been learning to cook lately. (waits for the gasps to stop) I figured that one...its another skill to add to my list and two...I really want to get back to eating like I used to and shed some weight. Tonight I made tortellini. It was damn good if I say so myself. My momma finished off the pot so it must not be that bad.

But what I seriously need to do is get my motivation back for school. Only 8 more months until graduation! It's almost surreal to me. Only a couple more months of class and then internship. I went to visit my future internship supervisor and he was so welcoming. He must have seen the look for fear in my face. LOL He came to my school for a meeting today and a couple of my classmates were like "I want to work for him!" I have started looking at apartments and the ones closest to my job are disappointing at best. I am going to have to look a bit further out for a decent place. I can't wait to have my privacy back. But I am almost nervous about that too. It seems like there is so much change in my life lately. But it's time and I am ready.

This weekend they are having the Carolina Fetish Flea Market which I am soooooo excited about! It's the first time its ever been in the Carolinas. Everyone I have talked to about it is going. I am hoping to find a couple things myself. But the absolute best part of going is that I will be taking my best friend with me. She has turned down every invite I have ever given her to any type of kink event but she has finally agreed to go with me to this. I really means alot to me because I have really wanted to share this aspect of my life with her for a long time. Several people have asked to go with us but I have turned them down because I really want it to be a time for the two of us. With school being as busy as it is this semester, we really don't get time to talk as much as we normally do. So I think it only appropriate to make this weekend a girls only weekend.

Wow I haven't written that much in a while and sadly I have about a 100 more thoughts to add but it's late, I'm tired and I have a full day tomorrow. TGIF.

Senioritis

Ohh I have senioritis bad!!!

I should be doing homework but I am procrastinating. I can't seem to get motivated lately. I will stay up all night and do something, anything else but the homework that demands my attention. I need some motivation. I'm not repeating this semester so I better get my ass in gear soon.

And I am sleepy. Ugh.

Another Letter from Douglas

So he wrote back. I had forgotten about the letter but his reply....well it speaks for itself.

Hi,

I'm sorry it took me so long to return your nice message. I guess I should go on here more often and check for messages, but I haven't been. Please accept my apologies. Having said all that I want to tell you that I really really wish I were able to have you in my home at this moment. And that is because I would restrain you and then whip you until you collapsed from the exhaustion of being whipped, and until your tear ducts ran dry. Maybe then you would see that your pompous attitude is not the way. When a dog chases a rabbit, would you say that is a product of his environment, and because of the experiences of the dogs life, or would you say that it is instinct, it is in his blood. Because I believe it is in your blood and instinct as a black woman to have a dominant-type personality. Your so-called submission is unnatural. I have been with black women who call themselves submissive. And quite honestly it is only submission when it suits her, and the level of submission I get from the white submissive women I have been with is much much higher. They truly give of themselves, and accept the fact that there is someone superior to her. In closing, while I am grateful that we are able to have a dialogue, and hope that I have not angered or incessed you in any way, I will say that your lame attempt at swaying my opinion that you are the one unique black woman who is able to be black (even though you attempted to deny that and shun it as who you are: "it doesn't matter if my skin was red, yellow, green, or purple." BULLSHIT. It DOES matter. You are BLACK. Show some pride in this fact, woman, instead of denying who you are. ) and also be sumissive, you have failed miserably. I strongly urge you to consider something with an open mind: Read this article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rarey_technique

This is a technique at getting a horse to submit. Obviously in the analogy, you would be the horse. When this method fails it is often recommended that the horse is destroyed, as there is little hope for it.

DOUGLAS

Working Through It

Gawd it's Monday again.

I had alot of paper work to get done today but in a stroke of good (or bad) luck most of the ladies in my office were out sick so I had plenty of room to work and stretch out. I got my work study students to help out and I was finished on time today. Imagine that. Class was boring and for some reason I forgot half of my assignments. I am glad my professor is lenient on turning in papers. Though in return she gives us some of the most boring lectures I have ever heard in my life. I think at one point tonight I stared and my pen and thought "I can end this now if I can just get that pen into my eye...".

After class I went to Blockbuster to find the coupon I was sent was a fraud. Just great. I gave E. a call on my way back home. I noticed while I was at work that he was running for a position on the board of my BDSM group. I am a little conflicted about that decision but luckily I can't make the meeting this month so I don't have to vote. The group has been going through a rough spell with people embezzeling money and betraying trust. Its really sad because many people come out to the groups because they feel safe and trust the people who are there. Some people have their own agenda to take care of I guess. He and I spoke at length about his decision to want to step into a fragile position. I asked to hear his speech and he commented that he had been too lazy to write one. I kinda groaned. Like I said, conflicted. He asked me about Black Beat and I told him about the trip and how excited I was to go next year if I could. I told him to go if he could and he commented that he probably wouldn't. I knew that but I offered anyway. Its strange how uncomfortable he is around crowds of black people. (Um..he's black) We then got into the discussion of how race and socioeconomic status plays a part in people's perceptions of BDSM. I have always held the belief that the reason why there are more black Dommes than submissives is because a dominant black woman is more inline with the cultural standards that black people uphold. Submissive black women and especially men have a conflict they have to deal with. I'll have to write about that another night. But as we were discussing this I told him about how many women (myself most definitely included) have baggage they take from relationship to relationship and instead of just "dropping" it I think they would benefit more from working through it. I have been "working through" for several months now and I have found an immediate change in my life. I am just happier. Well as I was telling him this he commented that I should write all of this down sometime. I just laughed and said I should. He said that I sounded happier and more at peace lately. It really made me smile, especially to come from him considering our past. Sometimes its hard to see progress in myself but when I hear it from other people it really adds to my day.

Exotic - A poem by Suheir Hammad

Its been a while since I have been able to do any poetry or even get back into reading it but during another one of my youtube surfing sessions I found a clip of one of my favorite poems. I heard it once back in college when they brought the Def Poetry Jam to campus and I fell in love with Suheir's work. I love this poem because it has a meaning and an emotion that is hard to describe to easy to empathize with.

Corset Lacing

I got my corset today!

Its soo gorgeous. It's a very soft black leather. It looks more beautiful in person than it did in the picture. I sat and looked at it for a bit before I tried it on. I was afraid it would be too small but the lady who sold it to me was right, my waist cinched in beautifully. I started looking up different types of corset lacing so I could learn to do it myself. I figure I won't always have someone to lace it for me so I better learn how to do it myself. Sometime this weekend I will start researching leather care. The straps are a bit big so I am going to have to take them to a leather worker sometime soon. I have to find someone good. I paid too much to have just anyone touching it. I can't wait to show it to M and to a couple other friends. I just found out there is going to be a fetish flea market at the end of the month and I had promised myself that the only out of town trips I would make this month would be for work and school purposes but this is almost too big to miss. Its something I will have to think about. I want to get a new ball gag, like my old one.

Untitled

There are some nights when I wonder why I even turn on my computer and tonight is quickly becoming one of those nights.

I started chatting with a friend of mine from a chat room I used to frequent and she told me that Aaron had been in there 2 days ago. I started chewing on the inside of my jaw and fidgeting with papers on my desk. She asked me if I had talked to him lately and I informed her that it had been over 2 years (maybe even 3) since I had even thought of contacting him. She tried to convince me to come in and talk to him but my life is in a different place and the past is not where I want to go. I am curious about whats going on with him but for my own well being I don't think I will feed that curiosity.

I turned on my yahoo messenger and got a message from a submissive guy I know. Not sure if I have ever written about him before but the man is an enigma to me. He is in his late 30's or early 40's, white and has this obsession with black women. He has a desire to serve a black mistress, which usually wouldn't make me bat an eye, but he will take ANY black woman as a mistress. On several occasions he has asked to serve me, which just makes me roll my eyes and tell him no. Though if he keeps pushing I might have him move my furniture come December. He insists on calling me Ms. Jessica and I have repeatedly asked him to just call me Jessica but its rather pointless. He believes all black women are superior, even the submissive ones. I got too much to do in a day to argue him down on things like titles. But anyway, we started talking about Black Beat and things that were going on my life and his when he started asking my friend K. I answered a couple of questions and then it become rapid fire about who she was at dinner with this weekend (that story later) and how she hadn't returned his calls. I started to get frustrated and told him to stop. I hate when people make me their messenger girl. Use the phone, write an email, send a letter, type a text. He then went on to talk about how he guessed that she must not want him since she was at dinner with other men. I politely informed him that she was free to see as many submissives as she liked, especially since there was no arrangement between the 2 of them and then he started inquiring about my other Domme friends. I have come to find that most submissive men annoy me. I am not sure why because I know and have met some that are wonderful but the majority of them grate on my nerves. I think its the whining thing. Whining men are like nails on a chalkboard. Second thought, they are worst.

So ok, last weekend. Well it started early on Saturday morning. I went to pick my friend, M, up. (Have I used that initial yet? Not sure) Our drive was rather nice. I usually rush down the high way but I just let the cruise control do its thing and we talked. He talked for a bit about his ex-fiance' and I laughed and made the comment that I was starting to wonder about his taste in women. We stopped at the nail shop and he got a manicure and I got my toes done (of course) and then we headed to our hotel. The guy working the desk was really nice and recognized M's t-shirt to be from a show he liked. I think it was Dragonball Z. They got to chatting about how few black men were into the show and throughout all this good-natured chatting we got upgraded to a suite for no charge. It was a very beautiful room with a huge balcony and bathroom. We watched football and got in bed to take a nap so we could stay up that night. I like to like my head on his chest while he sleeps because I can feel his breath on the back of my head. He also like to rub my neck, but I think that has alot to do with his enjoyment of choking. We got up that evening and went to dinner with a couple friends of mine from the group. One of them is K and the other one I will call "Sexy" since I have already used her initial. And actually if you ever meet her, the name fits. She some of the nicest looking breasts I have ever seen. Both of them are Dominants. One more than the other. When we got to the restaurant Sexy was sitting at the table with a very quiet white gentleman that we introduced ourselves to. I thought that he was a friend of Sexy's but come to find out he was a friend of K. She came later with another man in tow. We had a really good dinner and during the course of the dinner my friends started to tease me about being the only submissive in our little group of black women and how I would be the test dummy for their new toys. As they described some of the things they had done, I could see M's eyes perk up and I couldn't help but laugh because I knew that look. As we were leaving the restaurant, M opened the door for me, as he always does and Sexy leaned over and asked "He's a dominant and he opens the door for you?" I never really paid any mind to it. He always had. But I guess somewhere there is hidden law that a Dominant man can't be a gentleman and do those things. I dunno. I think its part of his charm. After dinner we headed to the swinger club we were going to for the night and K showed up with a third sub in tow. I quit trying to keep up a long time ago. M and I settled at the bar and watched the Auburn and S. Florida game, which was actually really good. LOL Sexy came around the corner several times and asked us if we planned on moving but we politely pointed out the game wasn't over. That was until someone cut it off in the 4th quarter and put porn on. Yeah I was kinda pissed about that. I mean the 4th quarter? Sheesh. So we walked around a bit and went upstairs where the actual "swinging" takes place. We both love to watch people so we started peeking in windows where people had rooms and started telling Sexy stories about times when we attempted certain positions that had no business being attempted. There is a huge orgy room where you have to strip to at least your underwear before you can go in. I wrapped up in a bathrobe and we sat on these things that kinda look like a cushioned bleachers, that are my favorite seats in the house because you can see everything going on in the room. We sat there and watched people and just chit chatted. The best part was watching this old white guy get a blow job while he drank from what looked like a pimp cup. Have no idea where he got it from but it was hilarious. K and her crew came in a little later and in no time she had found a woman to suck off one of her guys since it was his first time. I leaned over to M and asked him if he wanted me to tell her he was new too and he shook his head before I could even finish my question. After a while I had to pull a drink out of K's hand as it had dawned on me she had well over 6 drinks that night and was starting to become a little loopy. I didn't feel comfortable with her being in that state with 3 men I didn't know but Sexy said she would make sure she got her home ok. At that point M and I left and headed back to the hotel. As we were walking back to the car I leaned against him and he reached for my hand and held it as we walked back. I couldn't even begin to tell you when the last time I had held hands with a guy was, but it was nice. We got back to the hotel and before I even got in the door good he had his hand around my neck and put me on my knees. We almost overslept the next morning for checkout because we had stayed up until about 5:30 that morning. He had to work that night so we didn't have such a slow drive back but he commented to me that he was interested in trying the things that my friends had talked about doing to me. He's never really hit me with anything, except his hand, so it would be interesting to see him with a toy. But I promised him I would introduce him to some people I knew that were very good with floggers and such.

He called me and told me about how much fun he had and how he wanted to go again. Its been a while since I heard him that happy but I was happy to have been a party in that. He has expressed an interest in going with me to the halloween party next month, which I haven't even started looking for a costume for yet. I am thinking Harry Potter-ish. Maybe? Eh. We've talked almost nightly since. It's like meeting him again, for the first time. I don't know if he's changed or if I have. Maybe we both have. But its nice to be in the teaching position for a little bit. I am always the student and always will be but I must admit I am enjoying showing someone else what bits I do know.

Over the course of the few weeks that I have been putting on these health fairs I have been very fortunate to rack up a ton of free stuff. And one of my things is passes to a local women's fitness center. My classmate and I are going to go to belly dancing class on Sunday which I am really excited about. I hate sit ups but I have really wanted to get my stomach back to where it used to be and this looks like its worth a go. I also got passes to another gym where one of the finest black men I have ever met in my life works at. He keeps asking me to come by so I figure I can kill 2 birds with one stone. My mood just went back up. :)

September 11th

It's September 11 again.

It's always an awkward day for me. It was in 2001 and still is in 2007. I woke up this morning and walked out of the house leaving my counseling tapes. I parked my car and left my folders in the trunk. My professor was talking to me and I blanked out in the middle of the conversation. I just stared at her like I had no good sense whatso ever. Nothing was coming together. I went to the office and left my books there when I got off. Like I said, just an off day. I was told to stay home tomorrow and normally I would argue it but I think I do need the time off. I came home and layed on the sofa for a bit until my momma came in and asked me how I thought I would last working 2 jobs and school. I hate to quit my second job but I don't think I have been this tired since my first semester of school and that was a hell I don't want to relive.

I actually had planned on writing about my weekend tonight but you know, its just one of those days. So I think I'll make a feeble attempt at keeping up on my homework and listen to my new CD's. P.S. Kanye's CD is way better than 50's. Don't waste the money.

A Letter, A Response, A Call

So today on collarme I recieved a letter from a man named Douglas. I am not sure why he wrote me but I found his letter to be rather startling and mildly irritating:

No offense, but my experience tells me that black women don't make very good submissives........They like the thought of being a bedroom subby, i.e., tied down, etc., but in real life they are usually too lippy and wanting of their own way. Perhaps you would find happiness as a Dom? There are many men out there who would let you lock and cage their cock and balls, keeping the key, and the control over when they are permitted to cum. Just a thought, and I am really not saying this to irritate you or degrade you or anything, just trying to provoke thought and conversation.... Douglas

Amazing right? LOL So I started to just send him one of those kiss off messages but after some thinking I came back to the message and wrote this to him:

Douglas,
I must admit, my first instinct was to tell you off but after some thought, I realized, that would only prove your point wouldn't it? So instead I am going to bite and take your invitation for conversation because if the community is to become stronger and more informed, we must not only learn, but teach. I cannot say that you are wrong because simply those are your experiences. One of the benefits and ironically the faults of being human are that all of our experiences are similar but never the same. So I completely understand where you are coming from. To let you know a little bit about myself, I am in school and working on my masters. I work for a professor and have 2 assistants under me. I had a job as a store manager with a staff of 25 before I decided to put more focus into my studies. I pay my own bills...I am my own woman. I am the definition of independence. But that is simply what I must do to survive. I am a leader and I enjoy it. However, does that make me less of a submissive? I beg to differ. In fact it makes me more submissive. I crave to spend time at a strong man's feet. I enjoy being in his presence. The aura of a dominant man is intoxicating. I love to be humbled by him. It's when I am at my most natural state. Its when I am complete as a woman. Have a been "lippy" to so called dominant men before? yes. Will I in the future? yes. That is because I do not submit to just any man. And any wise woman wouldn't either. I submit to strong men. It takes a strong man to tame a strong woman and I can only tell you from my own experience that the reward is indeed worth it. Not only can I bring home the bacon, I can cook it. I have no desire to dominate a man. I have little use for submissive men. They don't excite me, they don't motivate me. I have no wish to emasculate a man. Why? What good is that to me? I want to be a woman. I want him to be a man. Race is simply a social construct. However, I could write for hours on that subject. It really doesn't figure into my submission. I would be submissive whether my skin was red, yellow, green or purple. I am very sorry that you have not had the chance to meet a submissive black woman in your experiences but make no mistake, you have met one today. And truthfully, there are several of us around. If you are interested, I would be pleased to introduce you to a few who I have been blessed to meet and learn from in my own experiences. I look forward to your reply and wish you a good Monday.

Respectfully,
sugga

I am curious to see if he is really interested in opening up conversation or if he is another person who is just looking to start and argument. At least I can say that I kept my cool and wrote back an intelligent response. Calm is the new word this week. Calm and patient.


So I had a really great weekend that I have to write about maybe tomorrow when I am more awake.

I called O today and talked to him for a bit and have no idea why but I got diarrhea of the mouth (again!) and mentioned my blog. He asked for the link and it was like my brain went into shut down mode. I've been writing in this thing for 2 years but the only person I know who reads it regularly is a submissive friend of mine and most of the time she knows the stories before I even but them in here. At best memory I don't think I have ever let a Dominant that I know read this. And honestly I am nervous. Real nervous. I flipped through and read some old passages and wow, I have some angry stuff in here. But its been a long couple of years. Very long somedays. I've always been apprehensive about putting my personal thoughts and emotions on display but he has the link now. So.....


But the part about the call that stuck out in my head the most was the way he explained things that he was saying and then asked if I understand. Yeah, that's right, explained. We haven't seen that word in a while have we? I was telling him about E and referred to him as "my ex" and he told me to take the "my" out of it. Because the word implies ownership. You know sometimes for a college educated woman, the simple stuff is simply mindblowing. I have never looked at it that way. Take the ownership away and there is nothing to miss, thus makes moving on easier. I soooo get it. He also talked about studying the things that I enjoyed. I have always been curious about learning how to flog but didn't think that was something that a sub was supposed to ask. It was a very nice conversation. I didn't feel like I was being talked to like a child. It was a very nice change.

Beautiful words from a beautiful woman

I got an email today from a lady I met at Black Beat. What she had to say was so touching I had to share. It just goes to show that we never know what kind of influence we have on people. I am truly touched and almost speechless.

"...It was wonderful spending time with you. Believe it or not, you were a lifeline for me and I truly appreciate the time that you shared. Your friendship meant more to me than you will ever know. I will always remember my time with you and your friends. That Thursday at the table I was so nervous, but your smile won me over and helped me to relax. Thank You..."

Life as usual

Lately there hasn't really been much to report. Life goes on as usual. Classes are still boring and work is pretty steady. I am snatching up my ex and taking him out of town for the weekend. It's a two-fold kinda trip. One, he has been very stressed lately with working to pay his mortgage and I think the trip would actually do him some good. Secondly, I enjoy the feeling of giving and being of service to someone. I am taking him to the swinger club I went to a couple weekends ago. I am more than sure he will have a good time. Personally, I am just looking forward to the sleep. How sad is that? LOL So last week I decided to make a list of things to do and it has worked out wonderfully well. I have paid up my bills and gotten things that I have been putting off. My next item of business is to open a new savings account. I have no idea what I am saving for but knowing my life, it will be revealed to me in time. I am bidding on this absolutely gorgeous black leather corset online. One day when I was talking to O on the phone, he said that it was a waste of money to get a corset that wasn't steel boned so I took his words to heart and found a great seller who has been nothing shy of wonderful in helping to suggest a size for me and answer my million and one annoying questions. I can't wait to get it and try it out. I want to wear it for my trip when I go and visit O and his girl next month. I spoke to a Domme friend of mine earlier this weekend and she was insistent that I talk to others who lived near O about the trip. I am a very guarded person when it comes to my privacy. Its not that I don't understand her concern but I have been doing this for years and my system has not failed me yet. I just find it hard to believe that I can trust people I don't know at all to save me from trouble from people a know a little bit. Seems kinda backwards huh? But I know she has nothing but the best intentions at heart and I appreciate them. I just want to left alone and for her to understand, I know what I am doing. I don't need another mother. I need supportive friends. This is a big jump for me and I am nervous all by myself. Comments and concerns like hers only make me even more nervous.

I have been so extraordinarily tired lately. I guess those cat naps I call bedtime are starting to catch up with me. So on that note, I think I will try for 8 hours of sleep tonight. Imagine that...