Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?

So this is my last post of 2007. I am going to be out of town spending New Years with M and hopefully a couple other lifestyle friends. I can't believe that 2008 is right around the corner.

Usually the end of the year is a bittersweet time to me. It's sad to say good bye to one year but exciting to see what the next one holds. Most of the time I am more than excited to see a new year come but honestly, 2007 was a great year for me. It had some ups and downs but overall I can officially say it will go in the books as "a good year".

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man

It's hard to believe that I had so much happen in just 365 days. I rode a plane for the first time when I went to Orlando for vacation and ended up riding one 3 more times, jetting around the country. I actually really like flying now. I see why people love to travel so much. Its way better than driving somewhere. My school year got better and I didn't drop out or transfer like I had originally planned to do. I can't believe that only 4 months stand between me and graduation. Graduation itself isn't really that exciting but the freedom of being able to finally go and do what I want with life is. I went to Black Beat for the first time this year and I feel like I have forever been changed. I feel like I left there with a renewed sense of purpose and motivation. And the people! I met so many wonderful people in 2007 that I feel like I must have more than my fair share. Even when I am in my loneliest moments, there is always a friend to perk me up. I finally quit my job that I had been working for well over 8 years. I was starting to feel stagnant but after I quit, things seemed to move a little faster. Sometimes you really have to take a step back to take 2 forward.

The year has brought some set backs with relationships and finances but nothing that was devastating and I feel like I am going into next year more prepared and wiser. I feel closer to God this year. Something resolved in my soul that God wasn't in churches and Easter dresses and collection plates. He was here, with me. I don't feel the need to explain myself to as many people because I feel more at peace with myself. I have been fighting myself, my submission, my self esteem, my flaws and my gifts for years but I think this year I got tired of the fight and came to appreciate myself more. I was at the store with my momma this week and she was talking to one of her friends when the woman looked at me and said "She is a beautiful girl". I beamed. What makes this so special is the fact that the same thing happened again, a different store and a different woman but the same words. I have never really seen myself to be physically attractive but I have learned to smile more and hold my head up higher. I think I am pretty great. LOL

In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

This year brought M back into my life, which has been a tremendous blessing. He allows me to sleep on his sofa to sleep on when I need to hide and his arms when I need to be comforted. He's been my biggest cheerleader when it comes to exploring more in the lifestyle. I will always be grateful to him for supporting me in my trip to California when so many other of my "friends" told me not to go. This year also brought me Orpheus and Indigo. There is something to the old adage, "Don't look, it will find you". I certainly didn't go looking and even when it did find me I didn't want to be bothered. But I am happy I have met them. I am looking forward to seeing them again in the upcoming year. My hope is to be a more permanent fixture in their lives and them in mine. This year brought Sexy into my life. I am so happy to have met her. When I had just about given up on the black women in the lifestyle in the area, she really made me feel comfortable and feel that I was just fine the way I was. It's so rare that you can meet open minded people who share so many similarities with you. I always enjoy my chat with her. Ohh and while I had known her before, Diva has been special to me this year. Talk about a cheerleader! She is a counselor so she is always interested in my schoolwork and she has been a wonderful confidant in lifestyle issues. Just a beautiful and positive sister. She is someone I believe everyone should meet, just once, if only in passing. She truly has a service heart.

I find myself even thanking God for the not so positive people I have met or associated with this year. They have a saying that the first person you kiss at midnight on New Years is the person you will be with the next year. This year that person was D and man, that saying rang true this year. We weren't together like I had hoped for but as the year winds up I am glad we had the good times that we had. I am glad we had the bad times too. They taught me some hard-fast, hard learned lessons. He had to move out of my heart to make room for someone else. Yeah, I get it now. As for A, I learned that the devil comes in many shapes, sizes and colors. As my Grandma used to say, "Scratch a liar, find a thief". And that I most certainly did. Some people are just predators, plain and simple. He talked pretty and I got some good books from him, but in the end, I was disappointed to find that after months of defending him that he really was the creep people said him to be. Sometimes I give people too much credit. It's not always a bad thing but in this instance it was. Sad thing is that I think we have only scratched the surface when it comes to him. I still pray for him anyhow. I still wish him no ill will.

It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Though The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

But what a great year this has been! And what a great year 2008 will be!

Oh You Got To You Got To Remember The Love
You Know That Love Is A Gift From Up Above
Share Love, Give Love, Spread Love
Measure, Measure Your Life In Love.

~*~

All dressed up with no where to go

Last night I spent the good part of 3 hours on the phone with D talking about the past and what his plans were for the future. I gave him my personal opinions and what he might want to look at adjusting to achieve his goals and surprisingly he was rather receptive. He mentioned wanting to try to have dinner with me and I just said "sure, whatever". I didn't really expect him to fall through on his end and didn't think much of it. He commented that he wanted to play with me but I told him I would have to pass. Not that the idea of playing with him didn't spark any interest but honestly, I just didn't trust him anymore and that last thing I was interested in was becoming intimate with him. He had a hard time understanding that. I am not sure I could have made it any plainer for him. But in any case I went to bed and didn't really give dinner another thought.

He called this morning and asked if I would come to his city to have dinner with him and I flat out refused. I was not going to drive 2 hours to get stood up again so I told him to come to my city. He agreed to do such and asked if we could meet around 7. I said sure again and went about my day. He called again around 3 and asked if we could move the time up. I was about to wash my hair then and so I told him I would call him back later. After I finished my hair I called him again and he said that he was getting in his car and was on his way. I was a little shocked and was still in my pj's so I pulled out something quick to wear before he got into town. As sure as the grass is green about an hour after he called I got a text message from him that said:

J no bullshit I got a muthafucken flat on [name of highway]. AAA is on the way. I'll call you in a sec

I just looked at the message and shook my head. I knew I was being stood up again. I was all dressed up so I took a small trip to Target to pick up a few items. I gave O a call and he called me back. He made the comment that I should be there. He's made that comment about a million times to me but that time I sincerely agreed with him. I shouldn't be spending my life dealing with the same crap. I should be somewhere, doing something, with someone who appreciates my presence. I called D several times but he never answered his phone. It kills me because I had such high hopes of us reconciling and becoming friends. But the truth of the matter is that all he really represents in my life is a bunch of broken promises, heartache and many nights of crying myself to sleep. I tried my hardest to make amends and hopefully start a good friendship. I asked God to help me find the lesson in this, because I can only hope that there is a lesson to be learned. I wrapped presents tonight, hoping it would put me in better spirits but it didn't really do much for my mood. I just feel hurt. Deeply hurt. Tomorrow is Christmas eve and I want to make the best of it. I don't want to spend my holiday feeling hurt because of one person's thoughtlessness. Just going to try to sleep today off...

Loving Submission Through Service- An essay by Resa de Milo

This essay was posted in one of my 40 million yahoo groups and I really, really enjoyed it. I would love to talk with the author. She did a very good job describing the nature of a service-oriented submissive.

Loving Submission Through Service

Over the time I have been on my personal journey in submissiveness, I
have come to learn several things about myself as well as the BDSM
community. One factor of myself is that I am very much service
oriented, yet I find many in our community do not understand how a
submissive can be service oriented and from where they gain their
pleasure. Many have joked, "if there are any service submissives
about, I could use a housekeeper." And I hope in what I write here
these views can be turn to a better comprehension.

First and foremost is to understand that submission in itself is a
service. A gift that the one person gives to another. In this boon
where one person gains control over the other, the service can be in
the form or giving pleasure or allowing pleasure to be derived from
use of herself. When a submissive who loves pain enjoys the lashes of
her Master, he receives the gift of knowing his lashes gave her
pleasure. And her happiness brings him joy and in turn is service.

Still when we talk about service orientation we are not always
speaking of the gift of carnal pleasures. More often, we are speaking
of one person doing some task to please another. Still sounds like
the usual concept of D/s but where some do house chores or some
endure things their Dominant wishes. This is where a lot of the
shadows fall and many lose sight of how any pleasure can be derived
in these things.

Any submissive might do house chores or run errands for her Master
because he gives direct orders to do so. A service oriented
submissive does these chores in the belief that she will make his
life a happier and a little less stressful. This is loving submission
in that a submissive gives a gift to their Master that in turn often
gains appreciation and love. I personally have happily done house
chores for Dominants who cared about me and who I believe appreciated
the work I did. It wasn't for money, it wasn't for gifts it was
simply because it made them happy and gave them some extra peace in
their lives.

This kind of giving has brought more pride to my life in knowing that
I can do something to make another happy and more so to prove how
much I care for another not in words but in actions. The service is
not the direct source of pleasure. And so I believe this causes
confusion when someone who focuses on pleasures of sensation tries to
grasp the world of submission by service. The pleasure is indirectly
gained by way of the service yet from the reaction of the Master. The
pet on the head. The kiss on the cheek. The "I love you my precious
pet." These things and more are rewards from the task and these
rewards are what give the submissive pleasure.

The act of enduring something undesired I believe is the greatest
source of debate. And it is true that many people will see this as a
form of being a doormat or suffering abuse. Again I can only look at
my past and the times I have endured lashes or canings and other
(from my individual perspective) undesired sensations. The reason I
do not see my acts of enduring pain as abuse is because I am not
forced to suffer the sensations. If I were ever to have said stop, it
would stop. I have actually said stop when it became too much. Abuse
is only abuse if a person - emotionally, mentally, or physically -
fears saying stop. When a submissive decides if and when they will
safeword, then it is a choice, not abuse.

The pleasure aspect in this again is not in the sensation felt but
the pride the submissive gets in knowing she was able to take the
lashes her Master wished to give her. It is something like a child
helping Mommy and Daddy do some chores. The child does it willingly
and happily not because the chore is pleasing but making their
parents proud is. This form of giving is also very personal. Some do
enjoy service on a broad scale. I believe, however, many do the
service as an act of love for their specific Master. It goes to that
question of how many Masters would be happy to know their masochistic
sub derives their pleasure not from them giving the pain but from
anyone giving the pain.


Oh, sir, she smiled, no doubt,
Whene'er I passed her; but who passed without
Much the same smile? This grew; I gave commands;
Then all smiles stopped together.

- from "My Last Duchess" by Robert Browning


And the same can be said for the service-oriented submissive. She
gives in service to her Master because she derives happiness from
pleasing specifically him.

The key things to remember about submission through service is that
the pleasure is indirectly derived. It is not about sensations but
about the act of giving be it through tasks or of oneself. It is a
special sharing not between just anyone but between two people - the
submissive and her Master. The love given through service in return
earns love.

"By entreaties and prayers, by submissiveness, by committing oneself
to regular tributes and gifts, by flattering glorifications, it is
also possible to exert pressure on the forces of nature, by making
them favorably inclined: love binds and is bound." - "Human, All Too
Human" by Nietzsche



Resa de Milo
Copyright © 2003

Deja Vu

I have had an interesting past couple of days and unfortunately haven't been in the mood to write about it until now.

I went to pick up my brother from college on Friday and I was very happy to be able to spend time with a couple friends from college. We had dinner and talked about what had changed and much to our own surprises, there weren't that many changes. A new man here or there, but over all life was the same. I haven't had contact with alot of friends that I made in college with the exception of like 2 or 3. I just haven't felt the need. Part of me feels like after we graduated, we ran out of things to talk about. While I was at dinner with my friends, D called but I didn't hear it and he asked me to call him back. I called him a couple times that night but he didn't answer. I didn't really think anything of it. It was after all, a Friday night.

Saturday I drove my brother home. We stopped by a couple stores but I didn't buy anything. I have been in a shopping mood but there hasn't been anything to buy. So I am doing quite a few gift cards this season. I called D a couple more times with no answer. I wasn't worried but I was a bit concerned. It was starting to feel like deja vu.

Sunday came and I called D again to find out the time and place for our dinner but no answer. I sent him an email and left voice mails but around 4 pm it was obvious I was being stood up. Again. For the third time this year. I sat in my computer chair and just cried. I had let him do it to me again. I called up M because it was his birthday and took him out to dinner and brought him a spa gift card. I told him about what D had done and we had a good ex bashing session that really made me smile. Funny thing, I started telling him a story and before I even got half way through it, he was already answering unasked questions. I couldn't help but look at him and think how amazing he really was. When we got back to his house, he started teasing me and expressed an interest in having a 3-some with me and another man. I was kinda shocked because he said it a couple times and it was something we had never really talked about before. We have talked about another girl but never another guy. He wants the other guy to fuck me while I blow him. Orpheus had asked if I had been with 2 guys before sometime ago. The thought is very exciting but the reality kinda makes me nervous. Well it makes me alot nervous. I didn't really let on to my nervousness about the idea and went with it. Besides, it was his birthday. We slept on the sofa afterwards and watched movies. He commented that he would be excited when we gets a larger bed. Personally I enjoy the sofa. It's my favorite place in his house. I left around 5 am that morning. He hugged me and told me thank you for spending time with him on his birthday. For a moment, I was glad that D had cancelled. I got to spend time with an amazing friend.

Monday came and it was my Daddy's birthday so we got his presents together. I left the house to get him a cake but the traffic was so insane with holiday shoppers that I just said forget it. I think I am going to bake him some cookies tomorrow. He loves Christmas cookies and eggnog. He is such a kid sometimes. I guess that's why we get along so well. I was on the phone with my best friend when D called in and flipped over. He said that he had to go to DC to get his daughter because his ex wife and her new fiance' were arguing. The man always has a damn emergency. It still didn't explain why he didn't call. He asked if he could call later and I said "whatever". Needless to say he didn't call back. In fact he hasn't called. He asked me if someone called me and asked for his phone number and I said no, he asked like 3 times and each time I got increasingly annoyed with the question. Probably a stalker chick. Oh well. I sent him an email today, basically telling him about the amount of hurt he has caused me over the past year. I don't really expect a response. He does that, appear and disappear. But finally I realize it wasn't me. It's him. As much as it sucks the way it happened, I feel like I can confidently close out that chapter in my life. I don't feel the need to talk to him anymore. He wouldn't tell me the truth anyway.

The Silence is Deafening

Borrowed from a post from the Dark Connections message boards:

what if a sub doesn't have a Dom'me to consult with, should they
still feel ok voicing their opinion on topics, or will they be seen
as less submissive?

the truth is that a lot of times subs are looked at in a different
light if they take a firm position on a topic (even if they
have permission from their Dom'me to do so).

this is why some of us remain quiet at times.

I was browsing through the message boards this evening when that particular post stood out to me. It stood out primarily because I have experienced just that the past couple of days. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this isn't a new issue. Its an old and tired one.

So as it stands, most of this journey of mine has been a lone one. I have served many dominants but never been collared or ever formally belonged to any of them. However within the past couple of years I have become more active in the BDSM community and have had the privilege and enjoyment of meeting with and making friends with several Dominants. One of the biggest problems I have with friends who are Dominants is what I call "ownership by association". Ownership by association is a real pain in my ass. Its when my Dom/me friends like to exert their dominance over me in such a way that it becomes a part of the friendship. I have a Domme friend who is the queen of this. When she wants me to do something or she isn't particularly pleased with my response to something she comes back with "You're a submissive". Every time someone says that I want to scream. I've known about my submission for nearly 10 years now. I wake up every morning knowing full well that Jessica is a submissive. I don't need the reminders. But somewhere on this planet there is a handbook that spells out allllll the things that a submissive is "supposed" to do. I am not a rude woman by nature. In fact I am probably nice to a fault. So I primarily blame this on myself. I should have nipped this in the bud long time ago but I have let people guilt me with the "You're a submissive" line for so long that now when I want to refuse something it's seen as mean or disrespectful. It's hard to want to take a stance on certain subjects because once you slap the "submissive" label on yourself you are held to a different set of rules.

I remember once asking a Dom if I had told him that I was a Domme, would it make a difference in what I had just said. He found my words to be blunt for a submissive but seemingly fine for a dominant. Case in point, today I got a phone call from D while I was watching TV and he told me to go somewhere private. I was a bit annoyed to be pulled away from the evening news so I asked him what was on his mind that he needed to talk about and he got irritated and asked why I was being such a bitch. Part of the problem was that one...I was watching the news and two...I really want him to get the picture that we are no longer together and I don't jump when he says jump. He said I was being rude when really, I would have probably done that to just about anyone else who called. But in his mind, a submissive should be ready to do when he said do. I guess the biggest issue is that I am not his submissive. I don't have to do what he wants me to do. He's not my dominant, he doesn't have to attend to me....my Domme friend is not my owner, she doesn't have to give me support. And they don't! So why is it that the load is so heavy on my end? I don't want to be the community submissive. I don't want to serve the world. It just gets me so frustrated when I take a stance on a topic that it's seen as being outside of desirable submissive qualities. I had a male sub that I met r/t some time ago tell me the other day that I seemed to be such a "strong black woman" when we met me, that he was disappointed to find out that I was submissive. How disgusting is that?! I was angry at him for suggesting that strength and character could only be found in a dominant woman.

There are very few topics that bother me as much as this one. Every time I think about how people talk to me and treat me because I identify as a submissive it makes me want to cry. (And I am trying not to now) I don't want be a dumbed-down version of a woman because it fits neatly inside of someones view of what a submissive is. There are some days I feel so worn and beaten down that I feel like saying "I quit." The other day I looked at a post from the coordinator of our POC group and on it was her name and the name of another coordinator as usual but under their names was the name of another Domme in the area who just joined a couple months ago. They were listed as the core members of the group and I was amazed. I have worked diligently with the group for years. I have supported it physically, emotionally and financially and in that email sat another woman's name. I was told this new woman was disappointed in me at our last meeting for not inquiring about what she wanted to speak privately to me about. I wasn't aware that in chapter 7, section 6.8 of the Ye Olde Submissive Handbook that if a Dominant says they want to talk to you, you are supposed to remind them that they want to talk to you, so that they can tell you, that they want to talk to you and then subsequently, talk to you. Right.

But after a couple conversations this week I have decided that 2008 is gonna be a new dawn. I want to be around more positive people and people who respect what I have to say and not only when it fits their agenda. I want people who respect the fact that I am not owned and that the things I do are out of love and not obligation. And I want people to realize that I am not their child, I am not their resource to be used until I am used up and that above everything else, I was born a person, a human being, someone with feelings before I was recognized as a submissive. I don't want to be disrespectful but I am tired of being silent. It may make others around me happy but some days it eats me inside. It makes me feel like a lessor being. And I am not, not in the slightest. I "grin and bare it" alot and for some people, I do so affectionately but for some others, its not worth it to me anymore. I don't feel the need to prove myself as a submissive as I used to. I know who I am and those who really take the time to get to know me do as well. And I truly enjoy giving those people my all, because they understand the place I am coming from. But I am having a hard time remaining silent anymore. It might be whisper in the wind to the world but to me it is deafening....

Another quote from the timeless Anais

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

-Anais Nin

A Good Friend

Good friends are something that I cherish in my life. We don't get the opportunity to pick our families but we do get the opportunity to pick our friends and I love to be surrounded by caring, like-minded, and trustworthy people. I realized today that I had found another good friend to add to my life and to this journey.

I have mentioned her before, but only briefly. Sexy is a 30-something black female Domme. She just got into the lifestyle a year or two ago and unlike alot of people I have come in contact with recently, especially dommes, she is serious about her craft. We have a similar interest in service and she is looking for a submissive who is more service oriented than ones who are simply looking to play. However time has taught me most subs of either gender are geared more toward playing than serving. She has extended the offer to have me stay at her home when I am in town several times but I didn't take her up on it until this weekend. I am glad I did. She left me a key to her place and let me come and go as I needed to. She was supposed to go to a Christmas party and I was supposed to have dinner with a friend but we both ended up eating take-out and have long conversations about the lifestyle and our experiences. I really enjoyed our conversation because I didn't feel like I was being attacked when I would say things that were not so politically correct. I really appreciated the opportunity to speak openly and freely with someone. We had a very good conversation on body image. She is 6' tall with legs that go on for days. She is constantly working out and in my opinion has a great modelesque figure. She talked about how she felt men didn't look at her because she was too tall or because she had a small butt. Many days I have wished I was taller with a smaller butt. Not too much smaller...but smaller still. I was happy that she was open enough to share that with me. Sunday afternoon I met her submissive and we had a talk. He was really nice and extremely friendly and probably one of the only people I have ever talked to outside of a computer who knew much about Gorean ideals (besides those whacked out people who try to live Gor...) I had a really enjoyable weekend. It was lighthearted and easy going and gave me the chance to kinda kick back and relax. I am already looking forward to the next time we can spend time together like that.

Toilet Training

I love to search blogs and read the blogs of other submissives and see what their experiences are like. This blog post was recently brought to my attention:

Discomfort of a new kind

The post is about a submissive who is being trained to use the bathroom at certain times of the day (6:30, 10:30, 2:30, and 6:30) and if she misses using the bathroom at those times of the day she has to either wait until the next time period or pee on herself. She has been given the option of wearing diapers if she wishes. From the post she seems really exhilarated from the experience.

I have conflicted feelings on the subject. I completely understand how she feels about being on a schedule. The control can be orgasmic. Though I am curious about the medical danger of restricting urination. I did a quick Google search on the topic but all I could come up with was pet training. Profound isn't it? I might need to ask a nurse friend of mine about that. But in any case I really found the article interesting because in the past I have had Dominants who enjoyed bathroom control, however not to that extent. My first Daddy made the rule that I had to alert him when I needed to use the bathroom so he could watch. The first couple of times I tried , it was like my body wouldn't budge. When I did finally allow myself to go in his presence he would say "stop" and I could have to try to stop mid stream. I got really good at it after a while. I haven't done that in a while though I might try tonight to see if I still have that control. Then when I was with D, he had a rule that the door had to remain open when I was in the bathroom. I always felt so exposed when I would have rules like that. It excites me and makes me nervous. If anything it makes me more aware of myself and my surroundings. It's taken me years to admit how much I enjoy being nervous and on my toes. I never want to be too comfortable. Comfort tends to make me lazy. I guess that's another way of looking at the blog posters situation. Having to use the bathroom is anything BUT comfortable. I'm not too fond of the reference to being on a schedule a kin to that of being a dog. Pet I can deal with but dog...ohh how I detest that name. For some reason being called a dog turns be off like an ice cold shower. I wonder why that is. Bitch is ok, but dog...ugh. But I am getting off topic. I am curious how many dominants like the idea of a toilet training. Actually it would be wonderful if I could get her owner's POV on this. That would add another interesting dynamic to the post.

Guess who's coming to dinner- part 2

My first day of vacation and I had to get up early anyway. Blah.

I got up this morning to go to a credit counselor. I was fully prepared for him to go through my credit report and tell me I had years of clean up to do but I was pleasantly surprised. His words to me were "I've seen bad and this is no where near it". It really brought me a sense of relief and he was nice to show me how to get the incorrect information and accounts off my report. It took all of an hour. Quick and simple relief.

As I was getting dressed this morning to go to my appointment I turned on my computer to check the weather and not too long after I had logged in did I see an email from D pop up. He was writing to tell me that he lived in the city next to mine. I was rather amazed to hear that all this time he was literally right down the street (highway). He asked for my phone number again because he has lost his phone (heard that before) and wanted to call me later. I figured that was the end of it....

To my own surprise he called. Not when he said he would, but he did call. I told him I was surprised that he actually came through and he commented that he should beat my ass for talking to him the way I was but I just laughed it off. We caught up on what was going on in each others lives and he was happy to hear I was still in school and finishing in May. He commented that he wanted to come to my graduation. I didn't really respond to that. He never seemed too supportive of my academic pursuits in the past. He asked a few times about my relationship status but I didn't answer those questions either. I think I spent most of the conversation wondering why I was even sitting on the phone with him. Several times he said he missed me and the lifestyle (apparently he has been seeing vanilla women lately). He asked if we could attempt a friendship and I must admit, I would like to attempt such. It takes so much energy to be angry and upset with someone. It's energy I can't afford to waste anymore. We have plans to have dinner next week. I am still working on how I feel about that. It will be the first time we have seen each other face to face in nearly a year. But the time has been a good thing. I don't think I could have talked to him months ago without a long string of curses and swears. We did share a couple laughs during the conversation, which was nice. We did used to joke alot, and quote movies.

Dinner next weekend should be interesting at the least.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It most certainly is!

I finished classes today. No more exams...no more work. I am thrilled. I can finally sleep in and do nothing. That will last all of 2 days before I start looking for things to do. Sitting still long never seems to work well for me. One of the coaches told me he was going to miss seeing my bright smile in the mornings. Awww! My supervisor asked me to come back next week and of course, for her, I have to. I am going to miss her so much!!

I hate holiday traffic...I can't stand bitchy holiday shoppers but I still go out in the chaos anyway. Whenever I am getting irritated with it all I call my best friend so she can give me her patented "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I love her. The holidays wouldn't be the same without her.

She and I also say that D likes to show up once a season, you know to check in on me, place claim, whatever it is that he does. *Checks my calender* Aaaaaand he is right on time! Yeah he wrote today. With the whole I miss you yadda and I want to see you stuff. I reminded him that I still lived in the same place and still had the same phone number. I don't know why he does that. I can't figure out for the life of me why he writes. Even after I tell him how horrible of a person he is, he still writes. Part of me wants to believe he is changing into a better man, an honest man. But I hear the words and never see the actions. Not ever.

I got a call from Orpheus on my way home tonight and it was nice to hear his voice. I haven't talked to him or Indigo in such a long time. Though I haven't really talked to much of anyone lately except my pillow and a few textbooks. A couple days ago a friend of mine gave me the URL of a picture he had put up that was taken during my trip to California. I really like the picture. He mentioned that the family structure had changed since the picture was taken and I could tell it wasn't easy for him. He has a very good post on polyamory under the picture. I was very impressed with it. It had examples and science behind it and rarely can you argue with proven science. My own attempts at poly have been less than desirable but I haven't given up hope. At least not yet. I guess I am just determined, or stubborn. He mentioned that I must have alot of friends because he had heard several good things about me. That just made me glow. I have a couple friends here and there but to have people pass on good words about me always makes me feel like a million bucks. I have a few weeks out for Christmas and he told me to check on flight prices but wow...they are $500 or more. If I had the money I would definitely go. I really haven't been the same Jessica since I have been back. I have been told such on more than one occasion.

Tomorrow is Friday (TGIF) and it is my hope to spend the weekend finishing up my holiday shopping and finding a quiet spot somewhere to sit and think and maybe even do some writing. I am in a really good mood. I hope this feeling lasts.

Why I write....

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection" - Anais Nin


So true. So very true.

God I love Anais. I should get together a collection of my favorite quotes by her.

isms and scisms

Another weekend is drawing closed and I probably should have done something on one of these papers that's due next week but I decided to spend most of my weekend on M's couch watching movies and ESPN Sportscenter. Gotta love the post-season.

I had an interesting conversation with E yesterday (and aren't they always interesting?) about our local BDSM scene. Since this summer, I have had a grown increasingly displeased with the groups in my area. I am starting to feel like the groups have only one agenda in mind, and that is to please whomever is the leader. I suppose that is fair but when I give my money every month to support activities, I believe my voice carries just as much weight. But I continue to face the same issues and problems. We had a discussion about one of the groups websites. He is doing a very nice job with the website and I on occasion provide him with web pages, etc to add to it. He asked me to be part of his team on a more formal basis but I politely declined as I really am not trying to commit to too many things right now, especially with my big internship coming up in January. He seemed insulted by my refusal saying that it was my way to get my point across. But its not the website I am want to see change in. I want to see change in the members. If I were to profile the membership I would say that the average person is white, middle class and around 45 years old. Needless to say... I kinda stick out. I feel there is a level of racism in the group that E says he has not experienced. However, I am not talking about KKK and burning flag racism, I am talking about stereotyping racism. One of the most irritating things that I have heard and unfortunately continue to hear from Dominants in the group, is that they are excited to meet me because they have "had fantasies about having a black slave". Um no. It makes me feel cheap. It makes me feel like all I am in a skin color, with no substance and no soul. A sex object and not in a good way. Perhaps it objectification at its worst. And sadly, many of them believe such words to be a compliment. Not that they care to be around me because of my personable charm or witty conversation...but simply because momma and daddy were black and they just so happened to make a black girl. Ugh, it makes me sick to even think about it. E says he doesn't see it but as a black male Dom who primarily likes white subs, it works for him. Like a friend of mine once said, "Some people just like being the token n###a." Yeah. I have sat at many dinners with a group of submissive white women who have exclaimed how excited they were to be with a black dominant. My question is always, "But then what?" I wish the POC group and the larger group were more succinct with each other. Maybe...hopefully...that is a goal that can be accomplished in the next year.

I have also recognized, much sooner than I did the racism, that there are themes of classism in the lifestyle. In my earlier days in the lifestyle I came to recognize that you had to have a certain income level to really be able to participate in the lifestyle. So lets see here, for the year 2008 I spent around $1500 on BDSM related events. And I think that's probably a rather low estimate. The only reason I am able to do that is one I don't have many bills and two, I don't have children. I can only imagine what it is like for those who do have bills and small children. I remember reading in a post that a man put up on yahoo that he felt that the group should increase its fees in order to weed out certain kinds of people. I was mind blown by that statement. Since when did money correlate with the character of a person? I like to think I am f respectable character but I am hardly rich or even middle class. I'm just another struggling college student. I do what I can, when I can and what I can't do, I leave it to everyone else. I know of several other people who would love to do more lifestyle events but the cost is preventative. I completely understand that. So I feel like it is up to the local groups to try to bring in those who can't make national events. I even believe in doing some type of fundraising to help those who can't afford it otherwise. Especially if you know they are a good hearted person who would benefit not only themselves but the community by being at events. If I could pay for everyone to go I would. Money is just a means...not an end. One of the things I would love to do once I finish with school is to get more involved in the community. It's difficult to do in my current situation but its only temporary. I would love to see more things happening that don't cost large sums of money so people don't feel intimidated about coming out. Especially black people. And even more so, younger black people.

I started thinking about these things a couple days ago when I realized that I was feeling lonely. I have so many thoughts running around in my head lately but there isn't anyone around to listen to them, at least anyone who would understand. I've given up on trying to talk to my best friend about it because she feels I am nuts and would do better to put my energy in other places. Where I am not really sure. She's been very short and distant lately. She has mentioned that she feels like I don't spend much time with her but her schedule and mine seem to go in opposite directions. I try to actively engage in activities that she likes but when I mention the idea of her doing an activity with me its usually met with a comment like "Not letting those people hit me". It used to be funny, but now its just annoying. I think in her mind this is a phase. I don't know. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to my classmates, especially not the homophobic one. Never met a woman who condemned so many things in my life. She tells me all the time how much alike we are. She really doesn't have a clue. I have a couple female friends in the lifestyle but I would love to have more, especially submissive ones. Especially ones who support me in this journey. Especially ones who don't think I am crazy. I feel that when you add racism and classism on top of an already taboo area, it quickly weeds out would be members of the community. It's bad enough that it exists, its even worst when people refuse to acknowledge it. But its hard to change something that you don't believes exists.

Woman

"Woman was created from Man's rib; Not made from His head to top Him; Nor from His feet to be trampled; But from His side to be His equal, Under His arm to be protected, And near His heart to be loved." - Unknown