I think he knows!

Today was another dull day of school and work. (My God is it time to get out yet?!) I went to work and settled at my desk. It's been so peaceful since the head admin assistant has been out. She should take vacations more often.

The only thing that stood out about today was my numerous run ins with a particular guy. I see this guy all the time. He helps one of the professors in the department and is often in and out of my office. Plus I think he likes one of the girls in the office. Ironically I saw him a couple weekends back when I went out of town to my monthly BDSM munch. I was sitting in the lobby of the hotel with M as he walked by and waved hello. Of course there was a college-based conference in the same hotel as would be my group. I didn't see him anymore that weekend but that's not to say he didn't see me. Or hear me. *winces*Well today was the first time I had seen him since the trip and all he did was smile at me. No, not the "hey how you are doing" kinda smile. The "I know something" smile. I passed him rather frequently in the halls today and each time he had a wide Cheshire grin on his face. I asked him what he was smiling so much for and he said it was nothing. I highly doubt that. Or maybe he just saw M and I and figured something less complex? Or maybe he was actually happy?

But I wonder, would it be so bad if he knew?

Jury is still out on that one.

The Phonebook

Today I spent my day cleaning and packing to move, taking the occasional break to get my ass kicked in yahoo chess. It was a boring day. I didn't leave the house until about 2 hours ago to go get pancakes from IHOP. Weird late night cravings. But what made today worth mentioning was the discovery of an old phonebook of mine. It's small and raggedy and was close to hitting the trash until for some reason I decided to thumb through it. It was like I had found a time capsule. In it was the names and numbers of old middle school and high school friends, boyfriends, dates, crushes and some other names who I can no longer identify. I had no idea I had talked to so many guys back then. LOL I wonder what they are all doing now. I saw I had the address of a good friend from high school that I might check in on. I am not sure. Its been almost 8 years since I last talked to her. Gosh, has it been that long? I even found my Canadian pen pal's address and phone number. But among the goldmine of names and numbers in the book, the one that stood out was the phone number of one of the men who introduced me to the lifestyle. He saw my submission in me long before I did. I wonder what he would think of me now. I wonder if he even remembers me. Probably not. Its been 8 years. Amazing.

I am tempted to keep the book but tomorrow its going to the shreader. I am trying to get rid of as much stuff as possible. It gives me an excuse to buy new things. Plus, I have a tendency to want to look up old friends and rekindle past friendships. I'm a sap like that. But I enjoyed my trip down memory lane. It really made me smile.

Boundaries

Yesterday I had another meeting with my client and we worked on some more of her writing skills. She has quite a bit of difficulty with reading and writing but in the last couple of sessions I have really been impressed by her thinking. She can think out a wonderful essay, its just getting it down on paper. She is always shy and withdrawn but she's started to perk up a bit when we talk. During our meeting I asked her about how mid-semester grades and she got very quiet and started to cry. I reached my arms out to hug her, as is always my natural reaction, but I had to pull myself back and simply rub her back and offer her a tissue. She told me her grades were not the best and that she was having a hard time adjusting to college life. I had to hold my own tears back because I remember what the first semester was like too. I tried to give her encouragement and dissuade her from leaving school at the end of the semester. I had to hold myself back then too. I cannot tell the client what to do. I can only provide help in making a decision. I wish I had gotten her back in the beginning of the semester. I was glad to see her really open up toward the end of the session but I was bit frustrated as well. My hands are tied. And certainly not in the good way.

I have to remember my boundaries. There are no more mock sessions with do-overs and critiques. My client is a real person, with real issues. We talk about it alot in class but until you have someone sitting in front of you, its hard to relate.

All I wanted to do was hug her. But that wasn't what she needed, that was what I needed.

Alone with my thoughts

Today was a typical Monday. Another day at work. I started working with my first one on one client today and I really enjoyed the time with her. We talked about her adjustment to college life and did some of her homework. She has a bit of a learning disability but I think from what I saw today its just that she processes slowly. I think we will get along just fine. I came home and took a nap and went to class tonight. I wiggled around in my seat alot tonight. I couldn't keep my attention focused. I'm getting in bed early tonight.

The past couple of days I have really been in a mood to talk. I feel like I have a million burning questions and topics to talk about but no one is around to talk to. My best friend is out of town for a funeral and most of my friends are busy with their own lives. I quit my second job last month at the store and its opened some free time for me. I thought it would be a great idea but now I am starting to regret it. I was too busy before to stop and think. Now its almost maddening. So I am going to pick up another activity soon. Anything to save myself from my own thoughts. I do miss my friends lately. I actually kinda feel lonely. Maybe not lonely but rather empty. I feel like I have a void in my life. I am just not sure what the void is, or how to fill it. I talked to an acquaintance of mine earlier tonight, a submissive guy, and he felt I was creating my own drama. I was a little annoyed by his statement but then again, alot of what he says tends to annoy me. Not really sure why we talk sometimes. Outside of the munches, we really don't have much in common. I must really be desperate. But anyway, I told him I was thinking of traveling to see what the lifestyle was like in different areas, cities and states. He said that since he has found a new relationship that he doesn't need the lifestyle. I pray that day never comes for me. I would like for it to be a bigger part of my life than random parties and munches. Not sure how he is able to walk away from this, and if I had more time, I would have asked him such. I remember when I tried to "quit" in college. That was torture. My roommate still laughs about those days. Gosh I miss her too. Damn it I miss everybody. Wow, I am really in a sappy mood.

Eh, Crinkle and I are going to bed so hopefully I can sleep this off.

Another Weekend Roadtrip

I just got home from a nice and peaceful weekend. I wish they all could feel like this.

I got up Friday morning to take momma to work and picked up my daddy and came back home to work on some school stuff. As I was working on my homework I got emails from people on my job (who know I don't work on Friday) and snapped. I sent out a mass email to several people telling my irritation with how people have no regard for deadlines and for my time off. I went into my job later that day to drop off some papers and one of the ladies I work with said one particular lady came in and was peeved by my email. I couldn't help but laugh. I love my job, but the people...the people make me wonder. My boss got the same email and agreed with my words and of course that's all that matters. I do so love her. *insert cheesy smile here* I checked my messages on one of the BDSM sites that hosts profiles and noticed that I had been viewed by a particular dominant. I get several hits a day but what made this one so noticeable is that it was from a Dom I used to talk to years ago. In fact it was his idea for me to start a blog. I remember when he made the request that I keep a blog I was furious at him. He said I never talked to him, nor expressed my thoughts and feelings to him. It was eventually our undoing. I didn't want to talk back then. I didn't want anyone to know how vulnerable I was feeling. I thought it would make me look weak or give people an insight on how to take advantage of me. Three years later and I almost feel like begging people to listen to me. I deleted the first blog and replaced it with this one. I kinda wish I had kept it. I wonder if he reads this one. Who knows. I started to write him but I didn't know what to write. The past is the past and is sometimes best left as such.

M picked me up from the house on Friday around 4. I was trying to get out before my father came home but no such luck. He was remarkably well behaved. He tends to grill any man who even looks at me. But I think that is because he knows and has met M before that he didn't bark too much. We arrived at the hotel and I was a bit irritated to find that my hotel room had been given to the presenter for the weekend. I probably would have taken it better if I hadn't found out that the person who put the presenter in my room wasn't the same man who had annoyed me last month at the fetish flea market. Then to add on to it all, I saw a couple students from the university in the hotel. The last think I needed for for them to see me dressed up. There's a story to tell on Monday. The rooms got fixed and I need to remember to call the hotel 800 number and compliment the lady at the desk. She really helped me out. M and I went to the movies Friday night and saw "Why did I get married?" Awesome movie! Almost worth going to go and see again. M leaned over and whispered that one of the women in the movie reminded him of me. Actually I think I could see bits and pieces of myself in each of the characters. I love Tyler Perry. After the movie we went to an adult store where M bought a set of hog tie restraints. I wasn't too excited about those but luckily we didn't have much of a chance to use them.

Saturday we got up and did some shopping. I like going shopping with him because he likes to dress me. I feel like a doll. Also he never rushes me. I appreciate that. We headed to our first event of the evening which was the anniversary of one of the local groups I belong to. It was nice. We had a good dinner. We were supposed to have a fantasy wrestling presentation but 2 of the 3 wrestlers didn't show. Figures, black people. But the company was very nice. My friend K showed up with yet another new sub. He was a very nice man and I actually liked him alot more than I have any of the other 3000 men I have met. When he spoke of his desire to serve her I couldn't help but smile. It was filled with so much passion and emotion. I really hope she does right by him. I really do. M and I left and headed back to the hotel to get ready for the Halloween party. We settled on the bed and ended up watching Happy Feet. I hadn't seen it before but now I see why the kids love that movie. It is so cute! I showed him my prostrations and he was very entertained by it. He told me I looked good and to keep practicing so I could look better. The encouragement really made me smile I got dressed and headed out the door (since the party is on the same floor as my room) and was met but a bunch of "awww's". I have never been a frilly kind of girl so I think that my choice of costume really took people back a bit. The top of my dress wasn't really made for girl with my bust size so I had bit of a problem trying to keep the girls at bay but no one seemed to mind. In fact I was told by the costume judges I had the best cleavage of the night. Unfortunately the party was small. In fact it was terribly small. It wasn't even half the attendance that we had last year. It almost makes me wonder if this is the beginning of the end. I apologized to M for the small crowd. I had really hoped he would get a chance to watch more than a couple people play. I think we might have to travel out of the area for our next trip. After the party I asked him to take a picture of me so I could show it to my best friend. My camera battery was dying so we were only able to get about 3 shots in. He mentioned he had his camera in the car and I told him it wasn't necessary. He insisted on getting it but I felt bad about him having to walk all the way down stairs just to take a couple more pictures. He then told me that he wanted to take pictures of me for himself and I giggled. I can't wait to see them. I was happy to got to meet some of the people I had told him about in both groups. He got to meet E as well. He said that he was just as I had described him. Several people tried to ask questions about M but I avoided them. I am starting to gain a higher appreciation for privacy lately. Too many times I have invited other people in to my relationships and see them suffer as a result. I have actually considered moving this blog to livejournal or some site like that so that I can make it private. Sometimes I wonder if I write too much here. I got in bed sometime around 2 this morning and fell asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.

We checked out late this morning and went to another mall to look around. I guess we were just killing time, avoiding the trip back home. He got a call from his ex-fiance and started cursing. That is one situation I don't understand but I keep my nose out of. I only listen we he talks about her and try to calm him down when he gets upset. She calls alot lately when he goes out of town with me. I think she misses him. I think he might miss her too. Like I said, I stay out of it. We went to an Asian buffet for dinner. I tried sushi for the first time. It was actually not that bad. The seaweed roll was good. I tried to use the chopsticks but I don't know how. He gave me a set and told me to practice with them for our next dinner. I noticed in the middle of dinner the way I arranged things on the table and sat the plates down. The night I was at IHOP with Orpheus, he talked about paying attention to things on the table. I guess I knew a little something but had done it so often with M that was like second nature. So I wonder, is it knowing the skills or knowing the person?

I fell asleep on the ride home today. It felt like we got there too quickly. When I got home my father opened the door and we hugged. Felt odd to leave without my kiss but with my father standing in the door way, I decided not to risk it. Lord, I will be happy when I have my privacy. Ohh I showed M the apartment I liked. He agreed that he liked it as well. I guess that's a go then. It was a good weekend and I had alot to think about but more importantly it was restful.

~Hugs~

Today was a normal day. But what made it a better day was the number of hugs I got today. I got one from a friend of my daddy's at the hospital who was excited to hear about my upcoming internship. I got one from my daddy today when I left for school too. I also have an older lady who comes by the office to get help with her "sadistics" (our affectionate term for statistics). She is so sweet to me. She gave me a big hug and said "I prayed God would put someone like you in my path". I laughed because I doubt it was that serious, but it was a great addition to my day.

I had dinner with my best friend and Crazy and caught up on what we had missed in each other's lives lately. It was nice. It had been a while since we all had the chance to sit around and talk. We started talking about a graduation trip for next year. I am considering either a cruise or Las Vegas. I want to go to Atlanta for New Years but I haven't been able to sell that trip yet. I am almost willing to go by myself. We'll see.

Tomorrow is Friday. YAY!

Ego-trippin'

My day started at 7 am. I got up to take my momma to work but my daddy ushered me back to bed and took her himself. I got back in bed and tried to get some sleep in but all I did was toss and turn. I have been doing that alot lately. I went to work and set up for yet another program. Today's program was on Disability Etiquette. We had a full turn out, which was very exciting. I got a bit irritated when one the attendees complained about the sugar-free cookies that we had put out. I politely explained to her that they were for the people with diabetes who might like a snack aside from the other sweets on the table. She continued to complain about the other snacks. Black people make me so damn sick sometimes. Tomorrow I start working on my banquet for November. Usually I would be excited but at this point, I am just ready for it to all be over. I am a bit behind on some of my homework this week, so its added to my irritability. I hate to be behind on work and the continuous whines and pleas for help during work have interrupted my plans and put me behind there as well. But overall, I was still happy and positive. I had a classmate stop by my desk today to ask for help with her statistics. After our session she gave me a hug. I really needed that hug today.

I went to my counseling class tonight and did another video tape where I was the client. At the end of my tape, my professor asked me "How are you sleeping lately?" I looked at her quizzically and she asked, "do you toss and turn?" I nodded and said yes. She then said to me "You don't have to structure your day so much. Try to relax at night. Learn to say no". I just nodded and went back to my seat. It seemed random to me but I suppose during my interview she picked that up. Sometimes I can't help put think God likes to use other people's tongues. Yeah...

I got online tonight and talked to my friend C. He has been very sick lately so I am always happy to talk to him and check in on his status. I hate he won't make the Halloween party this year. Like I said, this year just won't be the same. I asked about my friend G and why he hadn't answered my messages and he said that G was upset with me. I asked why and he said that he was upset with me about going to California. I couldn't believe that. It really upset me. He said that he was upset because I was doing something risky. I know better. I have known for a while. He got upset with me a while ago when he found out about M. I was really irritated then because had he taken the time to even ask the nature of our relationship, he probably wouldn't have yelled at me. I really get tired of being yelled at for things I didn't do. Or did do. Whatever. Last time I checked, I wasn't dating, courting, married, collared, attached, in a relationship or belonged to anyone. Jealousy is a bitch. I just cried because honestly, I didn't know what else to do. I'm not apologizing. I didn't do anything wrong. But in any case, it wasn't what I needed to end my night with. So I am going to bed as soon as I wrap this up and pray that tomorrow is a better day.

California Dreamin' - part 2

So am I a little more awake tonight, but not by much.

I guess I covered the basics last night. I mean I could probably write for hours about my weekend but its not really the details that matter. It's the great feeling that I am left with. I did want to add that I got the opportunity to see floggers being made. Wow, I was really intrigued. I have seen hundreds of floggers over the years but you really haven't seen one until you see it being made. You gain a new respect for the work that goes in to it and the hands that wield them. I watched Orpheus do a flogging class and you know, it looks a helluva lot easier when the pros do it. I would probably slap myself silly trying to use one. Though I have added learning how to flog to my list of things to do. Man this list is growing by leaps and bounds.

I've been trying to call O for a couple of days but haven't had much luck with connecting. *pouts* But I have been wanting to tell him thank you for being so inviting and welcoming into his home. Home is a very private space and to invite someone in, is an act of trust. I wish I had more, rather better, words than thank you. I guess a better thing to say is "thank you for inviting me into your life". I am starting to settle back down into life as I know it. My brother was home for the weekend and I have kinda missed little buddy. I let him hug and kiss me today. Yeah. I really have missed him.

Last night I talked to M for a while and gave him the overview of the trip. He was really happy to hear I had such a good time. I tell you, if I don't thank God for anyone ever again, I will will thank him for M. I have never met someone who was so happy to hear when I was happy. We are going to a Halloween party this weekend with my group. I am not as excited this year about it because of how much has gone on in the past year and how big of a rift that has been created between the local area groups. It's really a disappointment. But I have been promising to take M to an event and I always want to support my group. I figure the bad times never last too long. As I always say, "And this too, shall pass".

I got up this morning and rolled over and looked at my clock and groaned. I called my boss to let her know I would be late. I love my job. I got up a little while later to get dressed to attend a luncheon at a church with her about how to connect religion,science/education, spirituality and sexuality. What a great topic! This was right up my alley and I enjoyed speaking to the members at my table about my opinions on the matter. I just wish that there was more time for the dialogs to continue. It's been a while since I have been able to really talk openly about sex and religion. Not really much since the undergrad days. Today was Boss's Day so I bought my boss a bunch of white lilies. Ohh they were so pretty! She really liked them. I really like her. Sometimes I wonder if I like her too much. But she deserves all the admiration she gets. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. I am going to miss her when I leave. I went to work afterwards and worked on yet another program. This fall has been a real pain in my ass with programs and conferences. The only highlight of the "conference season" is my trip to Tampa next month. I managed to squeeze in an extra 2 days to do nothing on the trip. I really want to go and visit my family plot while I am in the city. I think I will make that my official "me time".

I have to get momma to work at 7 in the morning so I think I am going to go to bed early tonight and just do homework in the morning. Ohh how I hate mornings!

Addendum:

I so rarely use names in here anymore because I try to be as respectful of people's privacy as I can. But Orpheus was nice to allow me to use his name in my posts. He made the joke about his name being bolded and glowing. So I found my old graphics program and started playing around today. For him:

California Dreamin'

It's almost hard for me to believe that I have gone to California and back. The trip came and went way too quickly.

Before my trip I left a bit irritated as my mother asked me to hold my car for the weekend because through yet another mindless scheme she seemed to screw money up and not pay her car insurance. Because of that, her and my daddy's tags have to be taken away for 30 days, leaving us with one car for the next month. I had planned to stay over night Tuesday night near the hotel but I ended up having to get up at the ass crack of dawn to drive to the airport. I think I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before.

Since I have spent most of my summer in and out of airports, I have started to enjoy getting to the airport early and browse. It gives me time to wind down and my nerves were on edge from being anxious about the trip and dealing with my momma the day before. I sat beside a man in the terminal and he talked about his city hopping trip he and his wife were taking for their honeymoon. As we talked I watched the sun come up and it was really one of the most beautiful sunrises I have yet to see in my life. The plane trip was decent. I couldn't really sleep well because my feet were cold and the man beside me moved around quite a bit. My back had a small ache from the cramped position I was in so I was even more irritable and tired once I got to the airport in LA. I settled on a bench not long after grabbing my bags. I had pulled out my phone to call Indigo but as soon as I looked up she was running through the doors to get me.

One of Orpheus' other girls, N. picked us up. She looked just like they had described her, right down to the Darfur sign in the window of her minivan. We got lost a couple....few...several times heading to the apartment. If I didn't do anything on this trip, I did alot of laughing. At one point I had an ache in my side from laughing so much. We stopped by the grocery store and I noticed that Indigo had a bit of a dominant side that I hadn't noticed before. Well I didn't really have the opportunity to notice it I guess. Somewhere during the trip, N. lost her phone. Gawd I have no idea what I would do without my raggedy little thing. The incident made me realize that I need to save my numbers somewhere in case I lose my phone. We got to the apartment and I was almost amazed at how close together all the houses/apartments were. But oddly, they all looked like typical Cali blocks look like on TV. It was like it was new and familiar at the same time. I remembered being told about there being children in the house but I guess I was thinking little ones. It got me to wondering about the idea of having children one day and living this lifestyle. It also got me to thinking about telling my own parents but more about that later. Orpheus was working during the day so I spent the daytime with Indigo. She is a wonderful cook! Alot of people make that claim and I have choked and smiled my way through many crappy meals but I was really impressed. The lasagna was amazing. I might need to try that one day. Later in the evening I was reintroduced to another of O's girls, Emah. I remembered her from BB but she was very quiet and didn't speak much then. I wasn't sure if she wasn't chatty or if she didn't like me then. However as the weekend went by I really enjoyed her company. We had alot in common and she has a very beautiful smile when she laughs and smiles. Perhaps one of the most beautiful I have ever seen.

We went to Santa Monica that night and looked at the pier. I love big bodies of water. I find water to be so calming and gentle. We saw a seal which was really exciting. It was a nice way to start off the weekend. Thursday, Indigo and I went to a mall on this ultra cool bus. It's like a super fast city bus, minus that city bus grunge. The mall was impressive. Really. It was huge and I am not even sure if we saw every corner of it. The coolest part of it was the food court. There wasn't a fast food joint in sight. Each restaurant featured a regional type of food. I got a cobb salad that was HUGE. You could feed a small army out of this bowl. The mall used real dishes and silverware for the food court and then came to pick them up after you left. That really put the upscale malls in NC to shame. Throughout my trip I started to see why people in CA are so thin and health conscious. They have choices! I had turkey bacon for the first time (I think) and I am hooked. Who knew? Turkey bacon. I am gonna start buying that instead of the pork kind.

I watched alot of movies this weekend too. I so rarely get to watch TV anymore so this was really a treat for me. I also got the chance to look at some of Indigo's daughter's drawings. She really has a talent. They reminded me of when my brother used o draw. I wish he hadn't put it down. He had (or has) a talent. I have so much respect for artists. I think its a more gift than learned talent and should be honed. One of the more enjoyable parts of the weekend was watching them interact as a family. I love to watch families. In a world where so many are disjointed its a treat to see one that is close and together. Since my brothers have moved out and in a couple of months I will be gone as well, I have become ultra sensitive to things like this. Another thing I enjoyed during my visit was the walks I took with Orpheus. I liked listening to him talk and explain things. Sometimes...hell most times...I feel like I am being talked to and not with. Many Dom/mes are content with saying "because I said so" without explaining the who, what, when, where and whys of it all. He commented that I didn't have any questions but he does a really good job of explaining things. Of course now I have questions...but then again I process slowly.

Friday night he took me out to go to a place called Miss Kitty's Parlour. He described it as a "glam" club, which I was really intrigued by. I wish I had brought something else but I wore a black dress and red shoes and a collar that Emah made. It was a very beautiful collar. It was the first time I had ever worn a collar. I usually refuse to wear one when offered or asked to. In fact it was one of the deal breakers between A and myself. I had always been told that a collar was only worn by owned girls. I didn't protest it, not even a bit. Not fully sure why not but I found myself looking in the mirror to admire it a couple times. I wish I had at least taken a picture of it. It rained like monsoon season when we got to the club and he went in to check and see if anyone was around. He came out and said we could come back later and went to an IHOP to have coffee (well I had juice). We sat a couple hours I think. I am not sure. Time really passed quickly. We talked more and I really enjoyed the chance to get to know him on a more personal level and talk a bit about myself and my twisted journey. He made the comment that he saw potential in me and that really made me smile. I can't remember the last time I heard someone say anything like that. We left and went back by the club but the rain was still pouring and he said that it was still kinda dead. He apologized a couple times for missing the club but honestly I enjoyed IHOP alot better.

Later that night he had me to start learning positions. That's a humbling experience. It's hard for me to believe that I used to be the most flexible person out of all of my friends. I felt like a horse trying to make certain movements. I watched Indigo move and it was like night and day. I started crying a bit at one point and that made me more frustrated because I hate crying in front of people. I got one helluva carpet burn on my knees. That shit is no joke. I have a new task to work on. Thank God for a house with hardwood floors. I think this was the same night we started talking about bdsm resume. OUCH. Talk about a reality check. Now this topic has stuck in my head for a few days now. I couldn't think of anything. I didn't realize until then that my skill really lie in the academic and business world. I don't deny the fact that I focus alot of my life and attention on school and work. After years of watching my parents struggle to keep lights on and food in the house, I decided that the last thing I would EVER be is broke. The idea of living through those days again is painful. But I can't really cook nor do I know much about cigars or alcohol. I guess its because I don't smoke and rarely drink. I don't really make anything craftwise. I make money. I make plans and charts and graphs. I plan programs and banquets. I know the epidemiology of disorders and diseases inside and out. I have a wall full of degrees, plaques and certificates but it wasn't until that moment that I felt I had nothing to offer a dominant. How incredibly humbling and humiliating. It did and does bother me more than a little bit.

Saturday morning I had quite a wake up. O started touching me and I got my first taste of a Hitachi magic wand. OMG. I have seen the things a million times but never tried one. I came hard. I didn't think to warn him about how I tend to come. I soaked the sheets. I was kinda embarrassed. I am probably the only girl in the world who would love a dry orgasm once in a while. We had planned to go see the garment district, which I was really interested in seeing but we didn't make it because we had a late start. We did however get to see this cool outdoor market that I would have loved to explore more had we had more time. I had gumbo from this restaurant but it was mediocre at best. But the experience was wonderful. My momma would love the place. I might have to take her there one day. We went back to the apartment and got dressed to go out. Indigo did a very cute flip with my hair and added a flower to it. I really liked it. I wore my corset for the first time out and I really liked it. It kinda hugs your body. It was a little uncomfortable in the car but luckily the rides weren't too long.

We first went to a dungeon called the Lair which is owned by a black man. It is a really nice place. It is full of different play spaces and a kitchen. You would have thought Orpheus had a small village somewhere coming in with a group of girls. I can't imagine any of the Doms in my group here pulling that off. And I am really trying to think of one. Its not coming to me. So anyway. We had enchiladas and watched a documentary on BDSM that I had missed at BB. It was interesting to look at. Later in the night another girl showed up, who later told me that she was a switch and was learning from Orpheus. She was cute and petite with killer cleavage. Emah and I sat in a room and talked for a while. She told me the story of how she got started in the life and I really enjoyed hearing it. She also told me about how there were times when she was tired of the scene. I was really shocked to hear that. Here I am, trying to go, see and do more and she was speaking of a time when it was getting tiring. I so rarely meet people who are close in age and to meet someone who had some similarities was one of the best parts of my trip.

We left the Lair and went to a club called Dungeon. It wasn't really my kinda spot. It was a goth/techno kinda club. I couldn't really find a beat in the music. We sat in a back room for a bit and then went to the dance floor and watched N. dance. She was having a great time. I really enjoyed watching her have a good time. We left not long afterwards and went back to the Lair. I noticed several times the attention that Indigo paid to O. I am not sure I have ever seen a submissive watch their Dominant so carefully. I saw a level of dedication I have yet to reach but one that I would love to one day. I liked watching the interaction between the two of them. It was love. Plain and simple. I had the opportunity to participate in a scene with the lovely switch. She had some really nice nipples that I enjoyed sucking. I have this breast thing I really should write about one day. I watched Indigo and Emah scene and was really drawn in. I could see where the positions (prostrations) really came into play. They moved like dancers.

It started to get late and I figured I was safe from a scene until I was told to go use the bathroom and undress. I was really nervous but I kept my eyes closed most of the time so I wouldn't see anyone if there was even anyone left to see. I loved it. No...I LOVED it. It's been so long since I have felt a flogger, knife or fire on my skin. I really enjoyed the feeling of the fire being blown on my pussy. Ohh and the knife. I will never know what it is about knives that drive me wild. At one point I had my arms pulled behind me with fingers in my pussy and ass. I am usually not a fan of having my ass fingered but for some reason I really liked it then. I got choked and slapped. I was in a head space for sure after that. We got in bed around 5 am Sunday morning.

I got another treat Sunday morning before leaving for the airport. O fucked me good. I had the wand on my clit and came harder than I ever have in my life. I bit the hell out of my thumb trying to be quiet. I so need a new gag. My pussy was still quivering when I got on the plane. I regret not being able to suck his dick. Mmm...its been a while.

We rushed to the airport. I hate I didn't get a chance to give a better good bye but I was running short on time. I tugged my bags to a place that I was directed to and when told by the man working the area that I was in the wrong place I started to go off. I must have startled him because he patted my back and said that he was teasing. To make it up to me he let me go through the first class security line which took me all of 2 minutes to get through. God bless him. He saved me from missing my flight. Had I been in the regular line I would have been cutting it awful close. I feel asleep on the plane before the take-off. I think I was snoring. I was way too tired to care. I slept the whole way back. I missed all the drink breaks. The trip back seemed alot faster than the one there. I got held up a bit at the baggage claim because I went to the wrong area. Figures.

My momma came to pick me up and the first thing I noticed is that she had been smoking in my car. I got really irritated with her and asked her why she did it. She only responded that she was sorry. Sometimes I wonder about her sometimes. Now I have smoke smell and ashes in my damn car. I am still irritated by that.

Today was a tiring day. I had to get up and take my brother to work and get to work myself. I am going to have to take my momma to work for the next 3 weeks. I am sometimes almost scared to move too far away. My ass is still a little sore and sitting at my desk today was like a fun torment. I started spacing out a bit on and off. One of the work study students came in and asked for something to do. I looked at her a bit strangely because I hadn't had to make a decision in a while. Talk about welcome back. After a series of irritating emails and phone calls I sent her home. I really wasn't in a working mood today. I didn't go to class tonight either. I just need some sleep.

I really didn't expect to have as good of a time as I did. My trip far exceeded my expectations. I can't wait to go back. I would love the opportunity to serve him. I hate that its a 3000 mile distance. In my mind I battle the idea of it and the reality. Can I really see myself in California? I don't know. I really don't know. But what I could see is learning from him. But as my friend told me today, I don't have to solve all the world's questions today.

I think I am going to add a second post to this tomorrow. I am tired and I feel like I am leaving out things.

At Peace

They say that when a person is moments away from death, when they are fully aware that the end is coming and inevitable, when they finally accept what is happening, that they are at peace. In fact it is a more peaceful feeling than they ever have or ever will experience in life. I am not sure how true that is. I guess one day I will find out.

Well today was one of those endings in my life. I left my job that I have been at for the past 8 years. I had been fretting this day for several months but finally something in me told me that it was time for me to move on. My manager looked at me and almost cried as she put in my paperwork. Personally, I felt a sigh of relief. I have put up with hell from my previous company and management and the knowledge that I am moving on to bigger and better things made my separation so much easier. I will miss the girls but most of them are either on facebook or in my phone book so its not really like I left anyone.

Last night I went over to M's house and spent time with him. I had to measure him for a costume for the party (which I am not sure if they are having). I have been trying to convince him to go as the Mad Hatter to go with my Alice in Wonderland costume. Needless to say, that's a no go. *insert pout here* Later in the night he had me strip and kneel between his legs with my hands behind my head. He told me to hold my position as he spanked and bit and pulled on me. I really enjoyed it because it was like a contest of wills and to my own amazement, I held my position. He was surprised as well, which really made me smile. Afterwards, he sat on the sofa and looked at me and said "Do you know how beautiful you look when you like that?" I blushed so hard my cheeks felt hot. They kinda still do. That was by far one of the most heartfelt things I have ever been told.

I fell asleep and he got me up around 4 this morning to send me home and start packing. Gosh I can't believe I will be in California in a few days. I am so excited. I have so much to do. I guess I better get to them. :)